Confessions of a Child©

When I read about the disciples I don't feel so abnormal. They walked with Jesus for 3 years in the flesh, yet sometimes they were really clueless. One day they were debating who was the greatest among them. Jesus' response is classic. "Unless you become like a little child you cannot enter into the kingdom of heaven." His words take me back to the early years of my children.

My children wanted protection and guidance. They took my extended hand when it was offered.

They knew they didn't have all the answers. They were inquisitive. They wanted to be taught.

They didn't have their own provision. They came to us to be taken care of.

They didn't try to figure out their lives. They needed guidance to tell them where to go, what to do. They trusted the one who guided them.

When they were in pain, in need, in fear, afraid of the dark, they cried out. They were humble.

They weren't ashamed to come as they were to climb up my lap. They didn't question whether I wanted them near, they just came. They loved to be loved. They loved to love.

They wore no masks. They played no roles, they simply were who they were. They knew their place with me.

They believed. They trusted.

I see it so clearly now that I've lived it so wrongly. It's not just about salvation. It's about my identity. Unless I become like a child, I will never fully enter into the kingdom of Christ which now dwells in me.

At 23, I walked through the door of salvation, with the heart of a child. Immediately I began to live as an adult. I took care of myself. I didn't have a clue how to need. I leaned on my own understanding. The "shoulds" of the law captured my heart and life became about me and what I had to do to be right and pleasing to him. I began to try and sanctify myself by trying to make my "old man" better. I lived from the outside in.

I put on my masks to cover my shame. I played my roles, the ones that gave me some sense of value and fulfilled expectations. I protected myself. I trusted myself. Before I knew it I had forgotten what it looked like to enter in as a child. I quenched the very kingdom of heaven that made it's home in me, yet I didn't have a clue.

At 52 years of age, Jesus is bringing me back around. I am learning how to become a child again.

I continue to come back to this thought. Jesus said He had to leave in order for something better to come. He ascended into heaven. His Holy Spirit descended upon the earth. No longer would I have to experience Him from the outside, He would come to my inside. He would tell me who He knows me to be. He would teach me, counsel me, guide me into truth, leading me through the paths of life. After all He said He leads the blind on the unfamiliar path.

To inherit the kingdom is to live Christ in me. To live Christ in me, warrants the heart of a child that trusts out of a desire to be loved. He beckons me to come out from underneath my masks and be real before Him and others. He invites me to learn how to need again as He waits to take care of me.

Trust is the key that opens that door. Without it I will never believe. Jesus is the way, the truth, the life. He is the way that leads me into the truth that gives me life.

I'm coming back around now to where I once started. I'm learning to trust, really trust. I long to be loved. I long to give love. I have no resources of my own. I need and I need desperately. I have no role to play, no ministry to fulfill. I don't need them anymore. I am learning how to be who I am in the moments of each day with a Spirit who inhabits me.

He has made me new. I am learning what that looks like, living from the inside out with the One who knows the path of life. In this magical place I am rediscovering the kingdom of heaven, Christ in me, is the hope of glory.

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

The Cries of the Heart©

Before I had children I often heard women speak of the different cries their children had and how they knew what each one meant. I couldn’t fathom how one would know the difference. Then I became a mother and I understood.

There were different cries for different needs. I knew them all. Even when they could not speak a word I knew from the sound of their tears what they were crying out for. Their need warranted my coming for them. I didn’t wait for them to express what was going on correctly. As their cries resounded, immediately I ran to gather them up.

I remember the day like it was yesterday, yet more than 6 years have passed. Times were tough and life was hard. I could feel the effects of the storms we found ourselves in the midst of. On this particular day I had reached the end. I felt the tears waiting just behind my eyes. As bedtime approached I started the water in the tub. I needed a place to escape and let loose. Once I stepped in, the dam of emotions broke loose sending it's rivulets down my cheeks.

It didn't take long for the sobs hidden someplace deep to find their way up and out. As I soaked my body, my soul released the longings of my heart. There were no words to speak. I was void of them. Where was God? I didn't have the energy to pray as I had been taught to do. Truth is I couldn't even breathe the word, "help". Wasn’t I supposed to cry out for help in order for God to come? What would happen to me now? I was about to find out.

I didn't do one thing, I didn’t utter one word, yet Jesus came.

It was the beginning to an end for me. All these years I’d been trying to do and say all the things I was supposed to so that He could show up for me. Yet when I couldn’t do any of them He came in the most beautiful way.

I was totally and completely bereft of words, actions, godly attitudes and choices, yet God came near to me and lifted me up into His arms' embrace. I didn’t do one thing and still He came. It was in that moment I began to see something new and fresh. It's not about what I do that makes the difference, it's about who I am to Him.

I couldn’t get over it. I still can’t.

Tears are the language of the heart. Jesus knows what they mean. He reads them and rides on the heavens to save me. I don’t have to say the right words or have the right posture. I simply need. It is my need that warrants His rescue.

As a mother comforts her child, so He comforts me. His great love stands ready, listening for my deep need to be made known. It's absolutely mind blowing when I think about it, just as I heard the needs of my children in their tears, He hears the cries of my heart.

"There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides on the heavens to help

you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Deut. 33:26-27b

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

The Interwoven Life of Us ©

I've already raised two teenagers. I am currently raising two with another waiting in the wings to start her journey in about six weeks. Regardless of their gender they've shared a generic phrase during life encounters; "I know".

My teenagers think they know alot more than they really know. That is until life proves otherwise.

It's really not just a commonality with teenagers. It was true for the "learned" in Jesus' day.

It's true for me too.

Knowledge became my goal. I believed that if I learned enough about God I would be loved. At least I would prove my allegiance, hopefully pleasing Him. Had I lived in the days when Jesus walked the earth I think I too would have been a good Pharisee.

Once I came to the end of my quest it was there I found love.

As I considered this paradox the other day Jesus sweetly began to reveal to me what knowledge had done to my life.

"Knowledge puffs up, Jewel." "It's often the hindrance to the encounter." "It's not about trying to understand me to know what I want from you." "It's about being open to receive me as I am in you."

"You've spent most of your life trying to understand me so that you could be like me.... do all the right things, make all the right choices..."

"That's not it, Jewel". "That will take you into a life of knowledge much like the men of my day." "They thought they knew so much about my Abba, yet they didn't have a clue about Me." They didn't see me for who I was." "They were looking for something they had learned." "I was there in their midst, yet they didn't see me." "Their knowledge puffed them up and kept them blind."

"Knowing about Me and living in Me are two very different creatures." "One requires Me, the other requires you." "Seek me to know me in you, not to know about me to imitate me." "You cannot imitate me." "I've lived my life, now you must live yours..." "It's the life of you and I interwoven together as one."

"As the Father was in me, so I am in you." "The Father was reflected in me as I lived our life together." "It's the same for you, Jewel." "Dependence is the key." "Knowledge just puffs up."

"Encounter me in you." "That's the ticket." "The people of my day had me right in the scope of their eyes and they had no clue." "They could have encountered my Abba through me, but they didn't."

"I'm in the scope of your eyes, too Jewel. I'm in you." "Live out of that." "Don't try to figure it all out yourself." "You'll never figure it out." "It is my Spirit which was given to you that reveals all things." "Listen to My Spirit within you." "He will guide you into all truth." "You need Him in order to live this life." "Don't forget that."

Jesus told the disciples that He had to leave in order for something better to come to indwell them. No longer is Jesus on the outside living His life. His Spirit now lives in me. His Spirit waits to reveal what that looks like, allowing me to live from the inside out.

Maybe that's why Jesus told us to become like little children. Little children look to their parents to guide them. They need.

It's in the need that I am finding my release. I can't figure out this life. I have no clue. Honestly I don't want to have a clue anymore. After all, having my own ideas kept me from the beauty of encounters.

The Spirit of the living God resides in me. He was sent to comfort, guide, counsel, teach. I have access to Him every moment of every day. It is He who guides me into all truth. No longer do I have to lean on my own understanding. I don't have to get it right or figure it all out. I am now invited to need Him to live. By His Spirit alone I live and move and have my being.

Life bearing encounters are making their way into my life as I awaken to this beautiful Spirit that chooses to make His home in me. As He engages with me in the moments of life I am finding my way into the stunning discovery of this interwoven life of "us".

"Knowledge puffs up by love builds up."

I Corinthians 8:1

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

Loving the Impromptu©

I gathered my things together and headed out for my normal Friday Starbucks day. I knew my 1st and 3rd born children would be standing behind the counter, waiting to serve me. I was surprised to see my 2nd born married girl walk through the door. She'd stopped by to sit with me on her lunch break.

What a gift it is to have impromptu times such as these.

We grabbed a table and within minutes my oldest took her 10 minute break and joined us.

The 3 of us sat talking, laughing, enjoying the sheer pleasure of being together. It wasn't what we talked about that brought me joy, it was the gift of comfortable conversation and love shared.

My heart was taking it all in, relishing the gift of this time. I had no record in my mind of how long it had been since we had all been together like that. I didn't really care. The truth is all I care about at those moments is the pleasure of sitting there with my girls.

It's in times like these my heart sees a clearer picture of the One who loves me beyond measure.

So many years of my life I went to sit with God due to a requirement I was encouraged to fulfill.

I was told often that if I loved Him I would spend at least 30 minutes a day in "quiet time", preferably in the morning. So, I did. I wanted to prove my love for Him.

When I missed a day, guilt came after me. If I missed several I often chastised myself. I didn't deserve for Him to talk to me. After all I had neglected Him for days. I had no idea how wrong I was about Him. But now, as I move into this place of intimate relationship He opens my eyes to see things I've not known.

He's not waiting with a record book to see if I will come. There is no data kept that tells Him how frequently I've visited Him. There's no agenda that needs to be discussed, no right words to speak. His heart is the one that beats in me. He loves it when I drop by for a visit. He relishes the impromptu visits led by the heart.

The words spoken in conversation are not even what it's about. The sheer pleasure of having me come to hang out with Him is.

The truth is, He's just plain delighted to see me.

As Hannah's break ended, Courtney's time was up as well. Hugs and kisses goodbye, "I love you's" spoken left my heart full to overflowing. My girls came to hang out with me. There is no greater gift for my mother's heart.

I love the impromptu moments of the heart's leading with my children. What if I required them to come and sit with me? How would it fare? Intimacy would be replaced with expectations. It just wouldn't be the same for my heart, nor theirs.

Days will go by before the next opportunity comes. Impromptu times have no routine for they happen as we live in the moments. It's times like these that fill the soul unlike anything a schedule could ever bring.

"Come as you are, Jewel." "It's what my heart longs for." I hear Him say.

His Spirit indwells us. He said He had to leave in order for something better to come to us. Yet far too often I've not even allowed this Guide inside me to invite me into the moments of the impromptu. I've met requirements for the better part of my life. Intimacy, true deep heart igniting intimacy, has been held back.

It's in the moments that my heart cries out to "be" with Him that I am finding a love that leaves me undone. For in those moments, those beautiful moments I see that all He ever wanted was for me to come as my heart beckoned me. It's in that place I find the sheer pleasure of His delight.

As I relish the impromptu moments of with my children it's then I see, so does He.

I really am the image of God.

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

Do You Want to be Well?©

I always hated it when my children were sick. It caused me to spring into action, finding whatever resources I had on hand that might lessen their suffering. Immune building medications were given to help fight the culprit that invaded their bodies. Some took the dosages easily, one did not.

Whether not wanting to deal with the taste of the liquid or the swallowing of pills, one of my children often refused that which could help their body recover quickly. Their choices often prolonged their illness. I hated it for that child. I would try to coax them asking, "Do you want to get well?" When it came down to it, they wanted their suffering to end, but on their own terms, terms they were comfortable with.

It's funny how you can read a story several times, yet miss the revelation hidden inside. It happened to me a few days ago while reading John 5: As Jesus pulled the veil back to reveal, I saw something I'd never seen before. Like my child, I unknowingly refused that which would set me free from the ailments of my soul.

The story goes like this. Jesus came upon the pool of Bethesda. A man who had been ill for 38 years lay beside it. When Jesus saw him laying there he said, "Do you wish to be well?"

The man answered, "Sir I have no man to put me in the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming another steps down before me."

Thirty-eight years this man has been sick and yet he knows no one who can help him into the pool? Seriously? How in the world did he get to the pool in the first place?

Did he want to be well? Really?

There written in the spaces of Jesus' question was the confirmation of what I have been discovering. Self effort gets you no where. Living in my old self trying to make her get to where she needs to be doesn't work. It only prohibits my healing.

I didn't understand that. I thought this walk with God was somehow up to me. Wasn't I supposed to work out my salvation with fear and trembling? Wasn't I somehow supposed to get this life right. I wanted to make God happy with me. I wanted Him to be glad that He had allowed me in. I didn't want to be a disappointment. Therefore, I worked hard to make who I was better.

Something was always missing for me in that life. I was crippled with my shame and brokenness. No matter how much I did, I never knew if it was enough. I had no way to measure. Like the man who lay by the pool I kept trying to get myself into the right place to be made whole.

Once that man acknowledged he couldn't get himself into the pool, Jesus said, "get up, take up your pallet and walk." He allowed the One who spoke this world into existence to be the answer. Immediately he was made whole. Afterwards Jesus told him not to go back to his old life, to leave it be. It's not who he was any longer. Life started anew.

"Do you want to be free from those things that cripple you," Jesus has asked me? "Are you willing to stop living by your efforts so that I can be lived out in you?" "Are you willing to let that old self, you've lived in so long, die?" "Will you allow My resurrected life to be lived through you?

That old self mentality with it's lies, hurts and shame will continue to hold me captive. Yet Jesus offers His life to me, which brings my release. "Jewel, cut the ties with your old self, let her go." "Who you were before you entered into a covenant with me was crucified with me." "Everything started afresh." "I gave you my life." "Now it's Me in you joined together as one."

This story paints quite the picture for me. I cannot get myself where I want or need to be. Jesus died to the requirement of having to live by my abilities. He offers me His perfect life resurrected in me, now.

I'm making my way there, sometimes one baby step at a time. The more desperately I need Him, the more I find, I live. In those moments He comes in totality of who He is and releases me to see what He knows. The old is gone, the new has come.

So, how about you. Do you want to be well?

©copyrighted 2010 Julie L. Todd

His hand is extended©

One of the things I love about God is the pictures He shares with me. It’s amazing to think that before I took my first breath I was made to be a visual person. I see pictures. They speak a message to me. It’s in the day to day living that most often He gives me deeper glimpses of His heart.

As a mother I watch my children walk through the situations of their lives with an ache and longing. I find myself wishing desperately that I could give them that next step that will take them to the truth that will set them free. I see His heart in me there.

All five of my children walked at different times. They had to get to that place on their own. I could always tell when they were getting ready to make that move. They started crawling up to a surface to pull themselves up to stand. I knew they were only days away from stepping out into a new path.

Arms outstretched beckoned them to come to me. At first they were afraid to make that first step. But eventually they would come. Finally they trusted enough to take a chance. It was the beginning of their freedom.

In the beginning it was baby steps, one, two, maybe three before falling down. Soon they discovered that grabbing hold of my outstretched hand allowed them to walk alongside me for an indefinite amount of time. I became the support that stabilized them as they stepped out into their freedom.

So many things I see in this picture of life that I’ve lived five times over. In this moment I find myself there again. I am learning to walk in new territory. I want to live in my reality, Jesus in Julie, but to tell you the truth, so much is still so hazy to me. I’ve lived the life of the “old Julie” for so long that sometimes I can’t see where or how to step.

I was reminded afresh the other day of a phrase that was repetitively brought to my mind in years past. “I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” It made me think about the times that I would hold my children’s hands while they learned to walk. It was then He spoke tenderly to my heart.

“Jewel, “I am your support.” “I will lead you on the unfamiliar path.” “Let my strong hand guide you.” “Walk with Me, Jewel.” “Hold onto me.”

He consistently stands there with arms outstretched beckoning me to come. He knows the ropes. He knows the path, the way to walk.

Just as my children trusted me to run into my awaiting arms, I trust Him. As my children grabbed hold of my hand to stabilize them I grab hold of Him. He will walk me to where my feet need to be planted. He is my strong arm that holds me upright. He knows the path that leads to life. He knows the path that leads to my freedom.

He will make them known to me.

It is His outstretched arm that brought the children of Israel out of Egypt. He parted the waters of the Red Sea and brought them to safety. He fed them, carried them, rescued them from their enemies. He brought them out of the wilderness into the promised land. It is that hand that is extended to me.

As I grab hold it is then I will find my way into my freedom. For in that place I let go of carrying myself to find I desperately need. I will never get there on my own. I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work. He invites me to walk into that resurrected life. It is His life in me. He knows what it looks like. He waits to show me.

He invites me to let go of all that I am able to do for myself and need Him alone to do for me. It’s an invitation to my freedom for He walks on the paths that lead to life.

I see Him there looking deeply into my eyes. His arms are outstretched, His hand is extended.

Do you see Him?

©copyrighted:2010 Julie L. Todd

As A Mother Comforts©

The years of skinned knees are a distant memory. I wonder how many “boo-boo’s I’ve kissed through my 23 years of parenting. There’s something about the comfort of a mother that makes it all better.

I remember a time in my life many years ago when I had a boo-boo that needed to be kissed by God. It was unlike any other storm I had faced. With tears streaming down my face I pleaded with His mercy to give me something to hold onto. He spoke tenderly to me. “As a mother comforts her child, I will comfort you.”

As the days moved forward He began to show me in tangible ways how present He was. My daughter kept getting hurt. I would sweep her up in my arms, hold her tight, wipe away her tears until she was comforted. He spoke to my heart. “That’s me with you.” “I’m holding you tight, wiping away your tears.”

He knows when we sit down and when we rise up. Our thoughts are ever before Him. He knows the number of hair on our heads. He wove us together in our mother’s wombs. We are intimately and personally known. I get a small taste of it when I think of my own love for my children.

As mothers we kiss boo-boo’s, sometimes staying up into the wee hours of the night to nurse our children. We sweep them up into our arms to comfort them. As we hold them tight, sometimes we sing softly over them or whisper words of love until their pain is soothed.

I can hear my children’s cries above any other. In a crowd full of people my eye is searching to know where they are. I know their voice. They know mine.

I have carried them close to my heart while forming in my womb. They have felt my heartbeat. They are forever woven into the fiber of my being. They have left their mark on me, now part of me is carried in them. They are the apple of my eye, my greatest treasures on earth.

As I consider my heart towards my children, He invites me to see Him. As a mother comforts her child, so He comforts me. He dances over me with singing. He tenderly carries those who have young. I am the apple of His eye. He is woven into my very being and I am woven into Him.

The Mother heart of God tenderly carries me when life beats down. He sings to me His songs of love. He knows my voice. He hears me when I cry out. He runs to grab me up and kiss away my pain. He listens to me when I want to talk.

There’s a place upon His breast where I can nestle in. It’s a place where the storms around me subside. It is there I hear His heartbeat. I settle in close as the rhythm of His heart soothes me. It is then I realize. I am where I belong.

©copyrighted 2010, Julie L. Todd