A Mosaic in the Making©

Sometimes I feel so out of sorts. So much of me has been changed that at times it's hard to know what is normal, if there is such a thing.

Ministry that I thought I would be doing, I’m not. In fact those desires that I once held close seem to have disappeared completely. Currently. even the stirring to write feels distant. Words that once awakened me seem to have fallen asleep inside me. With a bit of sadness, I sit wondering if my writing season has come to an end. It's been on my mind lately. For oftentimes in the stillness it's hard to see that anything is moving forward.

Yesterday, Jesus brought back a memory of a time much like I find myself in today. I was sitting on a porch overlooking a pond. I felt what I saw displayed; stagnant and unmoving. I begged God for something that revealed that I was was where I needed to be. It was then He met with me as He drew my eyes to a spot in the pond.

Suddenly the pond was set in motion when something lighted the surface. At that moment, from that one touch, the waters started rippling out. As I watched their path I saw something that was absolutely stunning. The water rippled across the reflection of a brilliant red-leaf tree, creating a beautiful mosaic on the water.

Immediately He spoke to me, reminding me of the beauty of stillness. He told me that Mosaics capture beauty through their broken pieces. For in a Mosaic, pieces must be broken to fit the picture.

Yesterday as the memory faded, He brought fresh words to this current contemplative place. "Jewel, the new wine can't be placed in old wine skins." "The outer is wasting away while the inner is being renewed."

“Old ways, things, and habits must waste away.” “Don’t fret this season.” “Pieces are being broken off as part of the fashioning of your life's Mosaic.” “Some pieces didn’t belong there.”

“It’s time to remove the old wine skins.” “They won’t hold the new wine that ferments inside you.” “This is a time of ceasing of life as you’ve known it.”

It’s an awkward place for me sometimes. So much of my life has been doing that often the being catches me off guard. I feel like I SHOULD be doing something, yet I feel no stirring to do those things I once considered. Am I really supposed to just sit back and wait for something to hit me? It's so foreign to my normal way of thinking.

At that moment He answered my questioning with such simplicity. “Why not, Jewel?” “What if that’s all it is about” “What if you were in tune with my Spirit in you and then waited until the stirring hit you before you moved?” “Would that be horrible? "What if it were left up to me and not up to you?" "Could you trust me to move you when you needed to move?"

A picture flashed into my mind as if He wanted to sear all this into my very being.

I have a salad dressing cruet that I make Italian dressing in. In the middle of the lid is an attached stirrer. Once I have poured in the ingredients, they immediately begin to settle and separate. Therefore, before the dressing can be served it must have a vigorous stirring. Once everything is stirred up, I then pour.

Can it be that simple, Jesus? Can I really wait for your stirring? It almost sounds too good to be true.

“You can’t patch the old on the new, Jewel.” “It may feel as if the outer is wasting away.” “That’s a good thing.” "Your "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" old flesh needed to die." “Take heart, your inner man is being renewed on the outer.”

His words strike a place in my heart that once again bring me to that place of rest. This current place that sometimes feels too still is His appointed place, where beauty is unfolding inside me. The outer garments that I have worn for so long are wasting away, while He renews my inner man. The wine that ferments inside cannot be placed in the old wine skins. Therefore He takes the pieces that fit my life and fashions them to one day display my own Mosaic, Jesus in Julie. It's who I long to be.

©copyrighted: 2010, Julie L. Todd

A Journey of Grace: Rebuilding the Ancient Ruins©

When Jesus called me out of religious activity, life began anew for me. I began to realize things I’d never known before. When at Calvary Jesus said, “It is finished”, He meant it. When He walked out of the tomb His completed life was made available to me. I could now lay mine down. I’m still learning what that looks like. I guess I’ll be learning until He takes me home.

All the years of trying to be something for God had left me empty. I was ripe and ready to need, though I didn’t have a clue what that looked like. I didn’t know how to be different I just knew I wanted to be. I entered into a road where dependence would be the key that would unlock the doors to my freedom. I would never be able to figure it all out. It would be up to Jesus. I needed and I needed badly.

Everything around me was affected by that one choice, especially my children. For the first time they were given the opportunity to be seen in who they really are, apart from their performance. It’s a domino affect after all. What the parent experiences trickles down to the children. If we don’t live in our true identity, our children won’t be allowed to either. I won't ever be able to give something that I, myself am not experiencing.

One of the hardest parts of it all has been seeing the affects that my captivity cost my children. My performance-driven lifestyle had spoken to them in so many negative ways. I wish it weren’t true, but it is.

When I do not live in the finished work of Christ in me, I will hurt those I love the most. I have passed along messages that were far from the truth. Words and actions really do affect children. I’ve seen it. I know. My love for them is not based on what they do or don’t do, I love them because they are mine. They haven’t seen that. They have a chance to now.

I can often feel the regrets of the years that have gone by. Sometimes it's hard to understand why it took so long for me to get to this place. The damage could have been much less had I gotten this sooner. But even that His grace covers. I was reminded of that this past weekend when my oldest came home with her boyfriend for a visit.

As I shared some of my story with Nathan, I verbalized that I wished things had been different for my children. Immediately my daughter responded, “It’s OK, Mom, things are different now. I see a difference.”

Such tender words remind me that God paints a picture in the midst of the mess that opens eyes of those around us to see, “there’s a difference.” He even uses my blunderings to show His character. The mess of my flesh allowed my girl to see that God really does make a difference.

It’s that mysterious thing that God does with His grace, as He makes all things work together for good. My children see what life lived in one's own strength looks like. It never works, it never will. It puts expectations on people. It hurts.

But best of all they now get to see that God really does make a difference.

I've often contemplated what it was that catapulted me into this newfound change? What was it that finally made things begin to click? It's simple, really. My point of reference changed. Instead of seeing myself in all my broken places I began to ask God what He saw in me. I started learning to love myself the way God loves me. In the process I’ve discovered something. Who He tells me I am is so much better than who I've thought myself to be.

Learning to believe what He said was true has allowed me to learn to trust Him. It has opened me up to be a lover. Now it’s trickling down affecting those I love deeply.

The rebuilding continues as layers of flesh are being exposed and peeled away. He has come for me. He won't stop until I see Him face to face. He has changed my heart. I will never be the same again.

The Restorer is rebuilding the ancient ruins of my life. This time it's built on a firm foundation. He is the builder, not me. My regrets are turned to joy as I see that nothing is wasted in His economy. He really does make all things good. His grace covers everything, even the ruins of my past.

©copyright: 2010, Julie L. Todd

Thank you to all who have taken the time to read my journey into grace. From time to time I've had people ask me questions about things I've shared in my story. I would love to open my blog up for that. If you have a question, or would like to know more about a specific thing I've written about, simply write a response to the post and ask away, or you can email me if you prefer. You can find my email address on my profile page.

To read previous posts, click on the titles below.

A Journey of Grace:

Part One: In The Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost In Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

Part Five: My Deliverer Is Coming:

Part Six: Alone In The Wilderness:

Part Seven: Glimpses Of The Wilderness:

Part Eight: Walking Without Crutches:

Part Nine: Assessing The Damage:

A Journey of Grace: Assessing The Damage:©

One of the most brilliant scenes in the Lord of the Rings series is when Theoden is delivered from his captivity. He had been brainwashed by the whisperings of the evil adviser, Wormtongue. Gandolf arrives on the scene and demands the curse of darkness leave. Once Theoden awakens, he is told that he will remember his strength if he grasps his sword. The sword is brought to him, he takes hold and rises up into who he really is, the king of Rohan. He throws Wormtongue out of his domain and begins to assess the damage done while under the influence of evil.

Every time I watch that scene I see my world. The whispers of the enemy disoriented me. I was brainwashed by an evil advisor in hopes that I would be steered away from living in who I am. Once the Deliverer awakened me it was then I was able to see what my captivity had cost those around me.

Fear always leads us to control our world. Control births expectations and expectations sabotage relationships. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. I’ve had many of them. I have sabotaged relationships, especially with my David.

I will never forget the day that God came to talk to me about him. I remember it now 7 years later as if it were yesterday.

This time God spoke through a vision. As if watching a scene from a movie, an image was immediately uploaded into my mind.

I was on a playground, with my children. Another woman I knew was there with her children too. All of a sudden she began to parent my children right in front of me. She didn’t like what they were doing so she took it upon herself to try move them to do what she wanted. It upset my children. It offended me. As quickly as the vision came, it left. It was then God spoke.

“How would you feel if someone did that?” I answered back, “I wouldn’t like it.” He replied, “Neither do I.” “David is mine, Jewel, he’s my child.” “Can you leave him with me?” “Will you let me parent my child?” I felt His words pierce to a deep place. I knew I had sinned. I had stood in the way of love.

For too many years I pushed, pulled, and guilt motivated, hoping that I could get David moving. I told him what he needed to do and then griped when he didn't do what I wanted. I complained because he wouldn’t lead me. Like most women who aren’t led I didn’t realize the part I played that blocked the path. You can't lead a person who's not easily led.

I was often frustrated with David’s passivity, yet unaware that my demands fed it. It was easier for him to shut down than to try and fail. He could never do enough to meet the unending expectations. The demands I had could never be met. They were birthed out of fear. No matter how hard he might try. He could never satisfy my fears.

I sought to manage the apprehensions that infiltrated my world. I allowed them to grab hold and shake me, causing me to try and shake my husband too. I spent many years trying to move him where I wanted him to be. I sought to control his world, while maintaining mine. It didn’t work, it never will.

In the process I emasculated him with each failed attempt. I spoke many words of death.

Many say control is the curse on the woman because of Eve’s sin. As if that makes it okay. But it’s more than that. Control is giving way to the presence of fear. If I do not trust, I will fear, which will lead to control. I will try to control what I fear.

And so it comes down to trust, yet again. To live in grace, there must be trust, not in a man or his performance, but in my God.

I’ve looked to David in many distorted ways. It’s the most common place a woman goes. I believed he should meet my deepest longings to be loved, wanted, desired. I’ve wanted him to make me feel safe and secure.

It never happened. It never will.

For only God and God alone can fill the deep needs of the soul. I didn't know that for such a long time. I wish I had.

God saw me. He knew. He came.

As His perfect love cast out each fear, the demands are melting away leaving no need for control. In the process, David is being released to be parented by the only One who knows.

Grace has come to this heart, and this home. It has opened the eyes of the blind and is setting the captives free.

©copyrighted: 2010, Julie L. Todd

Next up: Rebuilding the Ancient Ruins

To read previous posts in this series, click on the link:

Part One: In the Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost In Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

Part Five: My Deliverer is Coming:

Part Six: Alone In The Wilderness:

Part Seven: Glimpses In the Wilderness:

Part Eight: Walking Without Crutches:

A Journey of Grace: Walking Without Crutches ©

As I stepped into the waters of trust I found myself crying out to be emptied of all the efforts I had used to manage my world. They had become crutches I had relied on to carry me. Though the pruning was painful I knew the old had to be removed in order for the new to be known, seen and lived.

As the pruning progressed I found myself relating to a hedge that sat at the end of our flower bed. David had gotten a little carried away when pruning it for spring. By the time he finished all that remained was the base of the trunk.

I watched it weekly to see if there would be any signs of life. If it could be cut back that far and still live, maybe I would too. If spring came to it, maybe it would come to me too. I waited and watched for new life. So much of my life was being rearranged that I often found myself wondering who I really was.

I knew that in order to find life, the old things had to be left behind, as well as the hurts of my yesterdays. For until the hurts were redefined I would carry them into my today and my tomorrow. They would remain in my memory bank continuing to define my life. The affects of the past had to be removed in order to move on.

I always knew when it was time to have one healed. Jesus would bring up a memory. It was as if He was hand delivering an invitation to my healing.

I had believed many things about myself through events that had taken place through the years. Who I truly was had become lost underneath layers of deception. Jesus came to scrape the lies away, much like a restorer with a piece of furniture. At just the right moment He would apply the varnish remover, pick up the tools, and gently sand away one layer at a time. He was determined to bring the original design out from under the coats of deception that covered me.

On one such day I remembered a deep rejection I had experienced. I knew it was a summons to my healing. I could hear Him asking, “Can we talk about what happened, Jewel?” Hand in hand Jesus and I walked back into the memory.

When I was a 16 years old I thought I had fallen in love. I thought I would love this young man forever. After all he had promised we would marry. Less than a year later he broke up with me, breaking my heart into tiny pieces. I reasoned through the mind of a 17 year old girl. At that point I believed there was something wrong with me. I believed this man had rejected me because of my flaws. I believed I was unwanted, yet again.

As we remembered together I began to tell Jesus how rejected I had felt. I wanted to know where He was when this was going on. I wanted to know what He saw, what really happened. He gently spoke, “Jewel, you weren’t rejected.” “I took him away from you.” “He wasn’t right for you.” “I had to remove him.”

Years of heartache and rejection were healed in an instant. I could see something I had been blind to for years. Until that point my identity had been defined by a moment in time when I believed something that was far from truth.

For years the hurt places caused me to look for things that could bear the weight of who I feared I was. In the process they became the crutches that hindered me from walking in what was really true.

The broken places distort everything much like the carnival mirrors I played with as a child. He came to restore the broken places with His truth. He came to teach me how to see and love me.

Remember the shrub that had been cut back to the trunk? By the end of spring it was filled with new fresh shoots of green life. The pruning had had it’s purpose. So it has been with me.

He knew who I was all along. He invited me to see. In the process the crutches have been removed. I don’t need them any longer. For I now walk with a God who has been loving away my pain. As He has loved me He has taught Me how to love Me. In loving me I have become free to love.

Next Up: Released to the Redeemer:

Part One: In The Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost In Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

Part Five: My Deliverer Is Coming:

Part Six: Alone In The Wilderness:

Part Seven: Glimpses Of The Wilderness:

A Journey of Grace: Glimpses Of The Wilderness©

In the wilderness the facade is exposed for what it is. All that you have relied on no longer holds any value. Amidst the barrenness the oasis of God meets you and in the process you are changed.

You can ask anyone who knew me, I was not known for being still. It didn’t seem to be in my dna. As a child I couldn’t sit still for the life of me. As an adult stillness was not a place that I volunteered to go. As I entered into the wilderness the call became clear. “Be still and know me as God.” I didn’t have a clue what that meant.

Soon after I heard a woman speak of how she had asked God what He wanted to say to her about a particular subject. She mentioned how she waited and listened until He spoke. Truth is I’d never considered such a thing. Most often the times I spent with God focused on my telling Him what I was thinking or what I wanted or needed from Him.

After 22 years of walking with God I decided to give it a shot.

I so desperately wanted it to work, yet at the same time, I was so accustomed to getting into the mix of things. What if somehow I manipulated His words? It came down to this. Could I trust Him to overcome me?

At 44 years of age, blank notebook in hand, I stepped into uncharted territory. I asked, “Is there anything you would like to say to me?”

What happened next was ‘otherworldly’. God began to speak so fast that I struggled to write it all down. I had never experienced anything like it before. The words He spoke took my breath away. They were so tender, so intimate. I became aware of patient love. It’s the love that does not force, but waits until the recipient is ready to receive.

When I was ready to receive, I discovered He had much to tell me. It all began with receiving and receiving begins with trust. For the truth is, until I trust, I will never receive.

It’s easy to trust God with the big things in life, like keeping the earth rotating, but trusting Him with me was a whole other matter. What if He didn’t show up? What if He let me down? What if I couldn’t make it? There were many seeds of control planted in my life and the root of control is fear.

God began to expose what I feared. With each one He asked “will you trust me with this?” Until I released my grip on my life, His would never be realized.

He spoke to me often about trust. Would I trust Him with my life and the plans He had for me? Would I trust Him with my husband? Would I leave David to Him? And what about my children?

I’d spent many years trusting in myself. He wanted me to trust in who He was. He is unpredictable in what He does, yet consistent in who He is. It was time to learn that. To do so meant to step out in unknown waters, believing He would be there. Would I trust in what I knew about Him verses what I could or could not see Him doing?

As I learned to trust, the doorway of grace opened for me. It was there all along, I just couldn’t find my way in. As I found that perfect love, fear began to dissipate taking with it the need to control, releasing my hands to His.

In the stillness He came to restore His image to me. He began to teach me who He really was. It has changed my world forever.

The desert has been what He promised it would be. He has tenderly spoken words that have freed me to know Him as my One true love. They’ve revealed to me the heart of the One I’m learning to trust.

When I entered the wilderness I didn’t have a clue what it looked like to be still. I do now. In fact I’ve come to love this place called stillness. For it is the place where His voice has been loudest to my soul. It’s the place where He has become my God.

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

Next up: Part Eight: Walking Without Crutches

To read previous posts, click on link:

Part One: In The Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost In Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

Part Five: My Deliverer Is Coming:

Part Six: Alone In The Wilderness:

A Journey of Grace: Alone in the Wilderness©

In March 2002 David and I attended one of the last Sacred Romance conferences put on by John Eldredge. When I walked out of that building I knew that I had been awakened in a way I’d never known before. For the first time I could see, God had been loving me for a long, long time. I realized that His pursuit of me had been and would always be, relentless. Little did I know it was the beginning of the end of an era.

At that moment in time I had no idea what God was inviting me into. I had no idea that my life was about to change forever.

Life around me began to be altered. God began to pull me away from the busyness. Friendships either changed or were shut down. All of a sudden I just didn’t have it in me to keep pressing forward. I found myself alone with God, my family and myself. It wasn’t a place that I would have volunteered to go, after all I’m quite the people person. It was by invitation only.

No longer able to strive or perform my way through life opened my eyes to a sad reality. I had become the older brother in the prodigal son story. I’d worked hard to receive the Father’s blessing when all along it had been there waiting for me. I’d been so busy striving “out in the fields” that I had never entered in as one who was loved. I had never lived as a daughter to a Father. I had lived as a slave to a Master.

I had read the passage before, but for the first time I heard the heart of the Father in the words of Hosea 2: 14-16. “Therefore I am going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and will make the Valley of Achor (suffering) a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the days she came out of Egypt. In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master’”.

In an instant I knew. God was calling me to be alone with Him in the wilderness. He had some things He wanted to tell me. He wanted to break the yoke of slavery so that He might reveal to me the intimacy of His love. It was an invitation into my transformation. The wilderness would become my cocoon.

I had spent so many years living in my own abilities and performances that I didn’t have a clue how to live in the finished work of Christ in me. Truth is I didn’t really know the heart of the one I called Father.

Life as I had known had to be shut down. The grave clothes waited to be removed. They held me back in the land of Egypt, captive to their commands. It was imperative that I know who I truly was, so imperative that God was willing to clear my day timer. He wanted me to know who He saw me to be. That had been stolen from me years before. It was time for it to be restored.

I have been there now with Him for seven years. The change that has come is nothing less than miraculous as I have come to realize who I was made to be.

A caterpillar is already a butterfly it just doesn’t know it. Woven into the body of the caterpillar is the dna of a butterfly. It matures into what is already true about it.

Inside of me is the dna of Jesus. I am fused with Him. God does not see where one starts and the other ends. He and I are woven together as one. The thought of it all continues to leave me undone; that He would choose to dwell in me.

The Creator of the Universe waited to love me into my reality. Once I laid down the plowshares of striving and the oxcarts of performance I opened myself up to receive true, genuine love. It is a freely given, unconditional, unearned love. I can’t do one thing to get it. I can’t do one thing to lose it.

When I unlatched the door of my heart to receive, my ordinary, busy world was overcome by an extraordinary God. I have discovered a love that takes my breath away. Alone, in this wilderness, I have found grace.

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

Next up: Part Seven: Glimpses of the Wilderness

To read the previous parts of my story, click on the link:

Part One: In The Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost in Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

Part Five: My Deliver Is Coming:

A Journey of Grace: My Deliverer Is Coming©

Religion had brought me so many wrong views. I didn’t know a Father God who loved. I knew one who expected. I often felt as if I fell short of fulfilling those expectations becoming a disappointment at best. How do you ever know if you’ve done enough? Instead of finding my fulfillment I was tired and empty.

God continued to peel away the layers of my self-protective coverings. He began to restore His image to me. He began to talk to me about love. He invited me to trust.

Everything comes back to trust. If I could not trust Him, I couldn’t find the truth that would set me free. I found that I trusted God with the big things, like having air to breathe or my heart continuing to beat. But I didn’t trust Him with me. I found it easier to trust myself.

As a result I found myself turning to other things to find fulfillment, the most prominent being my husband. If he showed me love well I would know I was wanted. It was a tall order that would never be fulfilled.

I’ll never forget how Jesus came to rescue me.

I was attending a women’s retreat. It was the last day. We were invited to go to the cross set up in the room and lay down what God had asked us to give up that weekend. I approached the cross knowing it was time. I had to lay down my expectations for David to give me value. As I paused to talk to Jesus the tears began to lightly fall down my cheeks. “Jesus, I release David from having to give me value.” Within seconds I heard His response, “I’ve always wanted you.”

The soft tears became sobs at the realization that Jesus had always wanted me. Why hadn’t I known that? He spoke again. “I gave my life to love you. Is it not enough?”

In that moment I realized I had looked to another lover for value when the One who loved me perfectly waited and watched. My heart ached as I considered how many times I had walked right past Him, allowing my heart to seek it’s value in someone who could never give it. What must I have put on my husband in the process?

My Deliverer came for me that day. I’ve not been the same since. It was the beginning of a romance that had been waiting to happen. Jesus would continue to woo me as a bridegroom pursuing the one He loves. He would not stop until I knew that I was not only loved but wanted.

I love the story of Lazarus’ defining moment. Dead for days in the tomb, the One who came to deliver all mankind appears on the scene. Those around think it’s all over. But not Jesus. He knows that it’s just beginning. He tells those standing around the grave to remove the stone. The family was concerned about the stench of death that would fill the air, but not Jesus. He knew the glory of God had come to set Lazarus free.

With a loud voice Jesus declares “Lazarus come out”. Out walked Lazarus, his hands and feet still bound by strips of linen and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to those standing around, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” Those placed in his path began to remove the cloths that held Lazarus body bound in death.

That moment at that retreat God called me out of the tomb. Finally someone had convinced me that I was wanted. I walked out that day, grave clothes still wrapped around me, yet alive.

In the years that followed Jesus would begin to peel away the cloths of “religious works” that had covered my body bound in death. He would exchange their ashes for beauty. For my deliverer had come to set me free.

©copyrighted: 2010 Julie L. Todd

Next Up: Part Six: Alone in the Wilderness

Part One: In the Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost In Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring: