I came at some things later in life. Now in what feels like the last few moments of influence there is one piece of wisdom that resonates from the depths of my being I yearn for him to know. It is in utter dependence on the One who formed him in my womb that he will find his life.
I've walked the path of the capable, independent life where self-effort leads. I know it's cost all too well. Grace is not realized there. I see those things trying to make their way into my son's life as he tries to stand on his own two feet. As I watch, I yearn for him to know what I didn't know. In need he will find his path.
The emotions welled up inviting the tears to cascade down my cheeks. In a moment it hit some place deep inside me as I realized. These aches I feel for my boy have been God's for me. In patient love He has waited for me to come. I am astounded as I understand more intimately this unconditional love that watches, waits and yearns.
God has yearned for me to need Him for all things, not just the things I could not manage on my own. He never intended that I figure out this life I've been given. He's longed for me to know who I am to Him. He's waited for me to utterly need Him in the depths of my being. For it is need that opens the passageway to receive His beautiful grace.
Self-effort kept me off the path of life. Independence bolted the door. Being a capable woman hindered my rescue.
Need led me to the door of life, humility turned the handle while trust opened my heart to receive. It was then that grace began to be realized in me. Grace is Christ's efforts that fulfilled all things, given in exchange for mine.
Humility is not the absence of pride. It's being desperate enough to receive from God and those He places in my path. Trust is the driving force that allows me to receive Christ's life in it's totality. Without trust I will live between two worlds; the world of trying to do all the right things to please God with my righteous acts of service and the world of grace where the life of Christ is lived from the inside out. They are two very different worlds.
It's one of the most vital things I've seen in my life. My attempts have kept me from the beautiful life of Christ inside me waiting to be lived out.
Christ has done it all. It's over. It really is finished. Every requirement that was placed on mankind has been satisfied. It's not what I do that pleases Him. It's living in who I am. The old covenant is fulfilled, and never to be mixed with the new. Everything started afresh at the resurrection.
The slate was wiped clean, and continues to be each and every moment of each and every day. There are no record of wrongs kept. No longer does shame cover me. I am righteous, holy, godly not because of what I do but because of what He did.
I have encountered Him in my midst. I have found the beauty that lies within weakness and need. It is in that place He comes in all His glory to awaken me to all of Him in me.
He has captured me with His grace. Step by step I am learning to walk, sometimes baby steps, sometimes strides. I have wrestled with God. He has overcome me. Though I may still walk with a limp I will never be the same again. Slowly but surely, I am learning to live from the inside out. As He yearns for me I yearn for my own. May they too will be captured by His beautiful grace.
©copyrighted: 2010, Julie L. Todd