The Allure of the Desert

    As I was listening to a tape one summer day in 2002, the words out of the speaker’s mouth unleashed a deluge of tears.  “Therefore, I will allure you to the desert to speak tenderly to you.”

    I was hurting from the barrenness of my life.  Every close friendships had been shut down for various reasons.   I couldn’t understand it all.  Why had God removed all my friends?  Why was I so alone?  Was I being punished?  Why was I in this wilderness?

     As I listened to the speaker I realized, God had allured me to the desert, not out of punishment, but because of love.  He wanted me all to Himself, all crutches removed, learning to walk in His love with Him alone.  At first it scared me, but now, six years later,  I am no longer afraid.  I’ve seen too much of His heart in this place to be afraid.  The truth is, the desert has become a place of refuge.

     I never thought those words would come out of my mouth.  I never thought I would learn to rest in the barrenness.  Being a people person made for relationship, I wrestled against the aloneness.  It wasn’t where I was comfortable.  I had been busy for a reason.  I didn’t like being alone.   In all honestly I didn’t like being with “me”.

     But it was in the isolation that I began to see what was really in my heart; what I truly believed about God, and what I believed about myself.  As things began to surface, I was stunned. 

      It was all laid bare in the desert.  All the “feel good” was removed, peeling the layers back of my belief system.  Like a virus my beliefs were eating away my identity.

      I had been quite the self-reliant person.  I thought that was what I needed to be.  Hidden away underneath this layer was self-protection.  I didn’t trust.  I didn’t trust that I could be loved for who I was.  I didn’t trust God’s Word to be true.  He loved the world, but how could He love me?  After all I was so flawed.

     I had learned to be self-reliant to protect myself from the possibility of being hurt and let down.  What if who I really was wasn’t enough? 

     Alicia Britt Chole says in her book, “Anonymous” “From Father God’s perspective, utter dependence, not self-reliance is the true friend of our souls.”  It was in the wilderness that God began to strip me bare of the self-reliance, wooing my heart to depend on Him and Him alone.

     I couldn’t reason my way out.  I couldn’t protect my way out.  I couldn’t control my way out.  He had to be my rescue.  He had to be my salvation.  As long as I was capable, He could not be.  As long as I lived under this veil of masked identity, I couldn’t be who He made me to be.  

     In the desert  He began to peel away the mask of lies that made up who I believed I was, which dictated what I believed He thought about me too.  You know what we believe He thinks about us often has it’s foundation in what we believe about ourselves.  It’s not He who has the faulty beliefs it’s us.

     I began to see what had imprisoned me.   I found the truth that has set me free.  The desert has been the most invigorating, challenging, restorative place.   As the masks have been peeled away I see myself through His eyes. He has given me beauty for ashes.  His tender words have been placed inside me.  This place that once felt so barren has now become my sanctuary.  He allured me to the desert to captivate me in His embrace and now I see.  I am my Beloved’s and He is mine.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;  I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor(Sorrow)a door of hope. 

There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. "In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master."

Hosea 2:14-16

JEWELZ

© copyrighted 2008 by Julie L. Todd

My "Something More"

      There’s something inside me that remains unsettled with life as it is.  It’s this place deep within that knows there’s something more; something more to this life, something more to me.  It often calls out to me with a yearning to know what’s on the horizon.  What is my future?

      It’s overwhelming to admit it.  But deep inside me there’s this place that feels left undone.  Like a novel that is part of the way written. A chapter at a time is surfacing, and yet something tells me there’s still more to come.  

      I see God building a story in me.  It’s His story.  I know some of the main characters, myself, my husband, my children.  Still some of the characters have yet to show up on the pages of my life.

      These last few years Papa God has been uncovering my heart.  It was buried in a pile underneath the rubble.  It reminds me of the pictures I saw of the aftermath of the World Trade Center.  Rescuers dug down into the rubble looking for life.  Some were found, many were not.  They wouldn’t leave the job undone.  All efforts were spent to rescue the lost.  It’s a picture of what He has done with my heart, what He desires to do with yours...

      So many lies have filtered into my life leaving me lost to who I am, who i was created to be.  His valiant efforts to recover and restore have been relentless.  As He pulls away the lies, He reveals the truth.  I am learning to embrace who I was always meant to be.  A love for myself is developing, which frees me to love others.  As He opens my eyes to see the ways I’ve been put together, giftings are unveiled.    And still there’s this spot inside that believes there’s more to come.

     The stirring inside me to move into that “something more” surfaces frequently.   Do I tell people where I am gifted?   Do I push to try and make something happen?   It’s hard not to try to push forward and “flesh” it out.  It’s hard to wait.  He keeps saying to me, “Jewel, like a doorman stands waiting to open the door, I AM.”  “Wait for the doors to open.”  “I’ll open every door that I want you to walk through.”  “Wait, Jewel, wait.”

     Another quote from “Anonymous” speaks to me....

     “Something in surrendering to hiddenness strengthened Jesus to not make a name for himself, to not be his own PR person.  Something in embracing that prolonged season of obscurity enabled Him to appear to be less in order to be able to do more.  Hidden years, when heeded, empower a soul to patiently trust God with their press releases.  All that waiting actually grants us the strength to wait a little longer and not rush God’s plans for our lives.”*** 

       Sometimes I feel like the butterfly who is cramped inside the cocoon, longing to break free and fly in all that I was created to do.  But often He says “Wait.  “It’s not time, the transformation is not complete.”  “In time, dear one, in time.”  “Be still, settle down, rest in Me.”

      As I settle more into His embrace, the waiting gets easier.  No longer do I have to make a name for myself to prove I have value.  I see that my value was settled before I ever entered this earth.  I am here because I have value.  I burrow down close to Him and rest, knowing He has my todays and my tomorrows.  For now, He wants me hidden with Him.  It’s a sweet place to be really, nestled in the embrace of the one who loves me perfectly.  There’s a stillness there that allows me to hear His heartbeat.  The sound of His heart beating soothes that place inside me pushing to hurry things along.  I find  that sweet peace that passeth all understanding as I wait.  It’s there I discover that HE is my something more.

      What about you?  How settled are you?  Is there someplace inside you wrestling to discover and move into something more.

Jewelz

***Quote from "Anonymous" by Alicia Britt Chole

©copyrighted 2008 by Julie L. Todd

      

His Unique Shadow

    When my children were younger the church we were attending put on a yearly play.   As the summer moved into fall, one of the first things on their minds was the upcoming play.  What play would they do?  What part would they have?  Excitement filled the air as each anticipated their performance.

     It all started with a meeting where the musical was presented for the children to hear.  Afterwards they were sent home with cassette tapes and the assignment to consider what part they would want to play.  When they returned they were supposed to tell the director their heart’s desire.  It was always interesting to me that none of my children ever wanted the same role.  Each had their own idea of what their part looked like and none matched.

     The following week the director would gather the children together and listen as they told her their desires.   Whether singing in the choir, a solo, a speaking part or the lead role, each child had an idea of just what they wanted to do.

      Once she had gathered all her information she would begin the chore of dividing up the parts.  It always amazed me at how she would work it out.  If there were not enough solo parts she would split up the verses of the song to fulfill each child’s aspiration.  It wasn’t about the performance.  It was about giving the children the desires of their heart.  

     As the day approached for the parts to be announced the excitement in the house grew.  Each child wondered if they would get “their” part.  The next Sunday,  chatter filled the car ride home confirming that desires had been met.

     In Genesis 1: God says “let us make man in our image”.  The word image means “shadow”.  I find it astounding to think that I am created in God’s shadow.  Just the sound of that brings a picture to my mind.  Can you picture it?  If we all lined up outside with the sun on our backs casting a shadow on the pavement, none of our shadows would look the same?  No two shadows are alike.  I have my own unique shadow of God.  So do you.

     I cannot get over the fact that there is no one like me.  I am my own unique shadow.  I have my own fingerprints and heartbeat.  No one else shares it.  I shadow God unlike anyone else.  So do you.  There is no need for comparison.  There’s no one to compare to.  There’s no one like me.  I am, you are, one of a kind.  Because of that, my part in the play will not look like your part.  Even if we have the same part it will not look the same.  We are not the same.

      One year my youngest played an angel.  There were several young girls who played the part of angels.  Though they had the same role in the play, none of them looked like the other.  Each was their own one-of-a-kind angel.

      I believe that God puts the desires in our hearts that He has for us to live.  In this grand play of life we show up and ask Him if we can do what our heart’s desire.  He orchestrates everything just so and then invites us to play that which we yearn to play.  Isn’t that just amazing?

     The beauty is we do not need to be like any other, not even Jesus.   God doesn’t want us to imitate Jesus.  He wants us to let Jesus live his life through us in such a way that Jesus is seen in us.  Even that  will have it’s own shadow.  His Spirit will be reflected in each one of us distinctly.  It’s all so amazing isn’t it?  The God of the universe chose you and me to display His shadow and we don’t have to do it the same way.  We are free to be who He made us to be and play the part He wrote especially for us.  

       With that in mind, what role do you want to play in this grand play of life?  What does your shadow of God look like?  What desires has He placed in your heart?  There is only one you.  Be who He made you to be.  Because if you do not live in who you are and what He has placed within you, the world will live without it.  You are His shadow to the world, His masterpiece.  Live the canvas of your life, it is His image etched on you.

       “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” Ps.139:13-14

     Papa, thank you that you allow us to bear your shadow.  Thank you that your image is imprinted on each of us uniquely.  May we bear you well.

Jewelz

also posted at Heart of the Matter online

***Thanks, Sandy for the picture!

©copyrighted 2008 by Julie L. Todd

Digging out the roots

     One of my favorite things about the yard of a former house was the garden adorned with large rocks and rose bushes.  Though neglected, I knew I would discover beauty hidden underneath the cold, winter ground once spring came.  

      As the flower bed erupted in color, violets began weaving their way through irises, tulips and daffodils.  I was elated with this flowering ground cover until they took over, spilling out into the yard.  They moved like a curse, stealing the view of my beautiful flowers, soaking up water and choking out life.   No matter how much I weeded, they multiplied.   Each plant shoots off a root, forming it’s own grouping.  To eradicate them you had to discover and remove each group.  It was a daunting task.  

     Years later God reminded me of that garden with truths that opened my blind eyes. Unforgiveness is like the violets.  Left hidden underground, it sprouts resentment and bitterness, weaving it’s way throughout my soul. It clouds my vision, distorts my perspective, and robs me of the most vital thing of life, love.

     Holding out on forgiveness doesn’t affect my offender.  It affects me.  It’s not for them that I forgive, it is for me.  If I don’t forgive I bear the weight of the offender’s actions, not them.  Forgiveness frees my heart from the prison of pain that holds ME captive.  As long as I hold the culprit in contempt, I keep myself in bondage.  Until I forgive I cannot move forward in healing. That’s why God asks me to forgive.  It’s for MY heart.

      Forgiveness is spiritual warfare.  It releases my imprisoned heart to freedom.  When I release my offender, I don’t let them off the hook.  I turn them over to God, trusting Him to be the one who judges justly.  I Peter 2:23 says, when people hurled insults at Jesus He didn’t retaliate, but entrusted Himself to Him to judges justly.  Unforgiveness is covert retaliation.  

      Like a clogged artery, unforgiveness blocks my heart from receiving and giving love.  No one can live a vibrant life with their arteries clogged.  Just as the violets blocked the beauty of the flowers, unforgiveness blocks the beauty of His love flowing in and out.  Nothing can flow through blocked places.    

     Though forgiveness is one of the hardest things I will ever do, I do it because God asks me to, not because I feel like it.  Who ever feels like forgiving?  It all comes down to a choice.  I make the choice because I want His life.  In that choice, MY heart is released.

     I’ve had some difficult moments of choosing forgiveness.   I had been hurt and betrayed.   I couldn’t go there on my own, it took an invitation from God.  He lovingly beckoned me, “Come and let me touch you.”  “Let’s let this go so you can grab hold of Me.”  Each time He invited me to  walk into the garden of my heart to forgive, His healing hands carried me. 

     He brought the roots to my attention showing me where they had been buried.  It’s wasn’t my work, but His.   When He wanted me to see a place of unforgiveness He brought it to surface.  His revelation was an invitation to healing.  The work was His, but the choice was mine.  Would I dig where He showed me to dig, pulling up the roots allowing the soil of His Spirit to fill the empty space?  The choice was immediate, but the healing was a process.  It took time to heal.  Part of the process was assessing the damage done to my life.

     As He & I sat in my heart’s garden, He invited me to see the damage done to me.  How did the offense cost me?  What did I feel?  What did I hear?  What did I believe about myself?  He waited for me to remember and discover.  Then He pulled me aside to intimately whisper the truth.  He told me what He thought about it all... and me.  As He pulled out the pain, He poured in the healing.

  

     It’s a profound mystery, pain and healing coexisting. As his healing poured in, spring came to my heart.  No longer were there overbearing roots of unforgiveness.  The fruit of His love had now spilled into those broken places, emanating the beauty of a heart set free.

     What about the garden of your heart?  Are there roots hiding underground?   Have you assessed the damage done and heard His truth?  Do you hear His invitation?  It is for your freedom that He appeals to you.  It is for love.  

     Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

      Papa God, thank you for the sweet forgiveness that You have offered to us.  May we in turn forgive others with that same forgiveness.  Heal our hearts, O God, that we might live in love.

    Also posted at Internet Cafe:

©copyrighed 2008 by Julie L. Todd

The Flight of Freedom

     I have this fascination with butterflies.  I especially love the Monarch. Papa God has talked to me about them.  He knows how much I love them.  I think He put that love in me because He knew He would use them to speak to me.

     A couple of weeks ago we were visiting the Tennessee Aquarium’s butterfly room.  As I walked in and moved about, my eye caught different types of butterflies.  Instantly I began snapping pictures.  They are so exquisite and individual in their beauty.  Beautiful blue morph’s, swallowtails, painted ladies and buckeyes flitted around me.  Though mesmerized by these beauties what I really wanted to see and capture was my Monarch.

     I perused the room as I walked around, straining to catch a glimpse.  Suddenly a beautiful Monarch flew above me.  I began to follow it.   As if to tantalize me, it would fly down, catch my eye, then disappear, soaring above the flowers.  It was not to be captured.  It was free.  After several minutes of waiting, I realized there would be no picture.  Disappointed, I had no idea that there was a purpose in my not capturing the photograph, but Jesus did.

     As I read another chapter of Alicia Britt Chole’s book, “Anonymous” her words hit me yet again.  She said, *“Jesus’ hidden years empowered Him to live a fruitful life.”   As I sat with Jesus journaling my heart, tears of gratitude poured down my cheeks.  It was then that my eyes were opened and I could see.  In these years of winters, deserts and wildernesses a transformation had come. 

     All of a sudden I could see what these hidden years have done for me.  Once a woman who sought value in what I could do, I realized that I have come to a place of rest in who I am.  Sobs of joy engulfed my body as I came to the awareness of what Jesus had done in me.  I am at rest.  I am free.  The bondage of performance has been stripped away and now I just want to be.  I understand now that I am not made to imitate Jesus.  I am made for His life to be lived through me.  I can rest.  It is His work in me.  This realization that I have moved from striving to rest, is indescribable.

      The butterfly that could not be captured surfaces in my mind again. It’s clear to me now the picture Papa God wanted me to capture that day.  It wasn’t of His beautiful Monarch in a photograph.  It was the flight of this exquisite creature’s freedom.  Lighting on a flower, flitting down to dance in front of my eyes, soaring to the top again, just being a butterfly, was a picture of what Jesus had done in me.

     It was then I heard His voice, “You delight me, Jewel.”  “Just as you were delighted when you saw that Monarch, I delight in seeing you.”  “The way you chased it down to see it; that’s me with You.”  “You loved watching it fly about and got so excited when it came close to you.”  “That’s me with you Jewel.”  “I love watching you fly free in your beauty.”  “I delight in watching you just be who you were created to be.” “Enjoy what you see, and where you are.”  “Spread your wings and fly above.”  “You are free to be.”

     Had I captured that butterfly in the photograph that day I would not have this picture seared into my heart.  His purposes show up everywhere.  With gratitude I thank Him for not allowing me to catch the Monarch down close. He has allowed me see through His eyes and capture His picture.  What was once a disappointment has now turned into precious delight.  I see His heart.  I see His new creation in me, a picture worth more than a thousand words.

     What about you?  Do you see His delight in you?  Do you see Him chasing you down, watching you fly in all your beauty?  Do you see yourself through His eyes?

     Therefore if anyone is in Christ he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come.

JEWELZ

*Quote from: Alicia Britt Chole, "Anonymous"

©copyrighted 2008 by Julie L. Todd

Seasons of the Soul

     As I sat outside Starbucks this morning the gentle breeze reminded me that fall will soon be here.  It won’t be long before these mountains will be filled with the beauty of change; the trees bursting out in color.  Fall always represents beauty to me.  

     Fall is an amazing  picture.  The beautiful color of the leaves comes from their death.  As they die out they burst into vibrant colors of brilliant yellows, fiery reds and bright oranges. Color fills the trees as each leaf prepares to die. It's a profound picture. Things die out in autumn preparing for the rest of winter.  The death of my old man takes me to the rest of God.  As the old dies away, His beauty covers me.  The death of fall prepares us for the rest of winter.

     Winter ushers us into a season of restoration.   The colorful leaves turn brown and fall in death from the trees that once held them firm. The trees stand empty and stark.  Beautiful flowers have gone into hiding.  Cold airs move in, bringing elements that keep us inside, hibernating.  In winter everything is made to rest in preparation for the new life of spring that follows.

    Spring brings the fruit of winter’s rest.  Newborn calves and foals are seen nestling beside mothers.  Foliage returns to the trees.  Plants hidden underground emerge, doubled in size.  Flowers burst into bloom while bees buzz about gathering pollen.  New life breaks out everywhere revealing the fruit of winter's rest.  Gardens are planted with anticipation of their yield preparing the way to enjoy the bounty of summer.

     Summer brings long days of sunshine. Vacation and outdoor activities increase.  Swimming, cookouts, and celebrations are all part of summer.  It's the time to play and enjoy the fruit of our labor.  Fresh vegetables out of the garden are harvested and put away in preparation for the days ahead.  The bounty of summer prepares us for the change of fall.

     The seasons have a part they play in life as well as in the soul.   Winters' barrennesses is the season I have found most challenging to weather.  I fought the hiddenness of winter for many years. It felt so bleak and empty. Loneliness poured in like a cold, biting breeze.  I wanted to be "about His work", doing for Him.  I didn't like being still and hidden.  I had been so used to performance and striving that when it came time to be still I didn't know how.  Then He began to tenderly whisper to me about rest.  

     In the soul’s winter I have been stripped to barrenness.  Who I was in my old man and my work emerged showing the cracks in my foundation.  So much value was tied into what I had to offer.  I discovered something astounding.  It's not about me and what I have to give or do. It was never meant to be about me.  It is Him, and Him alone that this life is about.  It is He who lives His life through me, not me living my life for Him.

     As winter is designed to do, I began to find rest in the one who was and is and is to come.  A sweet stillness swept over me as I realized I'm off the hook.  HE is the new life of spring, the bounty of summer, the preparation of fall and the rest of winter.  He’s enough; therefore I don’t have to be.  As I embraced this, my need to offer who I was and what I could do was stripped bare.  Restlessness turned into rest.

     In many ways I still find myself in a season of hiddenness.  Today as I sat outside and felt the breeze rushing over me I realized, for the first time, I'm looking forward to winter.  It is there I am at rest.  For in winter my heart is emptied and prepared to bear His life in spring.

     Find rest; O my soul in God alone; my hope comes from Him. Ps. 62:5

Jewelz

©copyrighted 2008 by Julie L. Todd

  

     

Stealing Your Identity

A couple weeks ago I got an authentic looking e-mail from an e-mail supplier. It told me they were updating the files and purging old accounts. They needed some information to keep my account current. I was uncomfortable giving all they asked for, so I gave them what I hoped would be enough.

Soon after, I received another email thanking me for responding but telling me that they still needed my password. It was signed with what looked like a valid signature. Though I didn’t want my account closed, something held me back from giving it out. I wrote them and told them I was uncomfortable with their request. The e-mails stopped. That’s when I realized I’d been the target of an attempted identity theft. Though a failed mission, it left me feeling vulnerable.

The next couple of days I was hit with intense fear. What if they got on my account? What if they saw some of the e-mails I had on there; bank transfers, credit card payments, etc. Could they steal all that I had? Immediately, I changed my passwords on all accounts, deleted all e-mails with personal information, and contacted my bank and credit card companies, just in case. There was no evidence of any entry to my account, but it scared me enough to beef up with reinforcements.

The whole process left me thinking. This is what the enemy does to me on a regular basis. He sends his messages to me trying to steal my identity. He wants to distort who God made me to be in my mind.

How often do I give him access into my person? I hear the whispers and don’t even pay attention. In fact I often agree with what I hear. “You screw things up.” “You are so stupid.” “Nobody wants you.” “You are too much for everyone.”

How often do I go to the extra measure to protect my God-given identity? Do I guard over my heart, or do I open the door to a thief? I can spend more time guarding over my stuff, than my heart. How often do I take what I’m hearing to God to see if it’s true? One attempt after another is made to steal my identity and I don’t even notice.

I Peter 5:8 says, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.” Am I alert to the attempts to rob me of my identity? Be watchful, it says, pay attention, there’s a thief lurking about.

When I called the bank to tell them about what happened, they told me something interesting. “People are closing down accounts and starting over all the time because they’ve given out too much information.” They are caught off guard. They are deceived into thinking that someone is helping them, while all the while they are setting them up to be robbed.

Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard over your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” How well do I guard? Am I more aware of the amount of money in my bank account than the state of my heart?

The heart is the center of man. It is the center of who we are. God bestows our identity on us. It is His image represented through us. It is not marked by our sins. Our sins do not define us. Who we are is who God designed us to be. He sees us in the original cut, before sin marred our lives, before the wounds dictated lies to us.

How well are you guarding over your identity? There is one who lurks about to steal, kill and destroy. Giving out your password will guarantee you will be a victim of identity theft. Agreeing with the enemy’s words to you will guarantee the same. Agree with God’s words. Silence the enemy once and for all by shutting down his attempts. Don’t respond. Renew your mind with God’s transforming revelations of who He says you are. He knows who you are. Do you?

Who’s dictating your identity?

Who are you agreeing with?

Do you know who God says you are? If not, ask Him. He can’t wait to tell you.

Papa, thank you that you bestowed our identity on us before we were created. Thank you that in your eyes it is intact. Take us to the revelations of that true identity. Shut down the attempts to rob us and show us where we are agreeing with the enemy. You are our identity.

This devo is also posted at Heart of the Matter Online:

JEWELZ

©copyrighed 2008 by Julie L. Todd