As I sat on my daughter’s bed listening I was struck with the simplicity of it all, yet the complexity of living it. The only place we can receive our value is from God, period. There is no other place.
We just don’t get that. Therefore, longing for approval and value we go seeking. Every one of us longs to have something about us that is valuable. But not many of us know where to find it.
I didn’t have a clue what God thought about me. All I had was my perceptions. I didn’t believe I was wanted, or worth loving. Would anyone choose to love me? I latched onto relationships hoping I would find the answer.
I remember counseling with some mentors 18 years ago. One of them looked at me and said “what is it that David isn’t doing that he needs to do to make you feel loved?” My response was “I don’t know, but whatever it is, he’s not doing it.” I wanted my husband to destroy the lies I believed. I wanted him to prove my value.
The more I longed for it, the more I put unrealistic expectations on him. Expectations became resentments that sabotaged our relationship. I shudder to think of the damage I’ve done to my marriage through the years. How much failure have I spoken to my husband? It hurts to even consider it. No matter what my husband did or did not do, he could never prove my value, or fill my need for love, therefore his efforts failed. They weren't meant to succeed.
My expectations through the years have weighed him down, encumbering him. No matter how much he has loved I’ve said in my silent expectations, “it’s not enough, do more.” I have grabbed hold of David to rescue me and in the process I have almost drowned him.
In the the movie, "The Guardian", Kevin Costner is a Coast Guard rescue swimmer. In the opening scene of the movie, he’s on an assignment to rescue a husband and wife whose boat has capsized. He goes after the wife first. The husband becomes overwhelmed and begins to grab hold of her, causing problems for her rescue. The husband ends up getting taken up to the helicopter first.
While he is getting settled in, a wave sweeps over his wife taking her under water. By the time the CG swimmer gets to her she’s stopped breathing. He gets her into the copter, gives her mouth to mouth and she revives. Her husband’s actions almost killed her.
I see myself in the husband. As I looked to David to rescue me, I not only weighed him down, but I endangered his rescue. No matter how much he did for me there was something that I still needed that he couldn’t give me. He continued to be plagued with the lies he has fought all his life, “I am a failure.” No matter how much he tried to love me as I needed. He failed.
We endanger people when we look to them to meet our needs. It’s not how it was supposed to work. We were never meant to get love and value from them. We were made for God. Others were meant to display the love of God to us, not give it to us. God gives us love.
No one but God loves in the way we need. He IS Love. There is no person on this earth who can give my heart what it needs. Only God can silence the lies I have believed with His truth. Until I embrace that, I will grab hold of everyone around me to “save me” from my own insecurities.
Insecurities are lies that still hold me captive. The truth is if I know I am loved and see the value bestowed on me by the Creator of the Universe there is no need to be insecure. He secures me in Him. That is enough.
His amazing grace covers me and all the mistakes I have made in my relationships. His love fills me in such a way that I am undone. It is a fierce love that leaves me speechless. Now I can let go of David. He can be in his rightful place.
My Rescuer has been there all along, waiting for me to let go. His arms of love gather me up and take me to that quiet place where He whispers to me how deeply, and intimately I loved. Once I was blind, but now I see. I have found my Rescuer but better yet, He has found ME.
©copyrighted: 2009 Julie L. Todd