I feel the words inside my mind. I want to write, I need to write, yet I am stuck. My brain is constipated with words jammed inside unable to move or be moved. The question plagues my mind; what do I write about?
I've been in a wilderness of sorts these last 4 years. Sequestered by God, I've been given time alone unlike any other time in my life. I've wrestled until I nestled. I've found my way into discoveries about who I am and who God is. I feel the piles of words stacked up in my brain yet I feel like a deer immobilized by head lights.
It reminds me of our backyard at a house we once rented. The owners had moved of town, therefore the yard had not been tended well. One glance out the back door would send my husband's mind to a place of overwhelm. Accumulation of overgrowth was everywhere. Where does one begin? It was enough to send him away from the piles to some quiet place of retreat.
It's what happens to me these days when I draw away to write.
Having been a self-effort performer who is learning to live in dependence sometimes it gets tricky stepping out. You tend to second guess your every move. Is this me or is this God? Sometimes the fear of stepping out on my own efforts restrains me from making a step at all.
Little did I know 4 years ago when I started this little blog that I would be blessed with so many dear people who have come to follow along. Beautiful responses from dear hearts encourage me that words written are touching a place in them, sometimes awakening them to things they'd never considered. I feel the weight of this sacred place of my heart written down. What if I step out and do this thing on my own? What if I let people down? Do people really want to hear about my day in and day out struggles? What if I don't have anything profound to say?
Something has gotten distorted in the union of this gift of writing that I love. I find my mind lodged, unable to move forward, yet longing for the exhilaration of words written down. I need to be rescued from this dark, cold shaft.
Years ago there was a little girl named Jessica McClure who became entrapped in an abandoned well shaft. She was playing in the yard of her day care center when suddenly her little 18 month old body fell and became lodged. It took rescue workers 58 hours to pull her out of that shaft. I remember sitting by the television watching as they brought her up to her release. Tears of celebration of a life saved filled the faces of those who had been diligently working to set her free.
It is for freedom that Christ has set me free. I don't want to be stuck anymore.
So dear friends who have blessed me with your presence, I am asking God to free me from the shaft that has held me captive. I am asking Him to set me free to write whenever and whatever crosses my heart knowing that I cannot leave Him behind, for He lives in me. I leave the weight of responsibility of all this on His shoulders. May He bless you with His heart in me as my life is lived before you.
I am considering starting afresh with a new blog. I'm not sure yet what God is saying about all that, but I am asking. If He says yes, I will let you all know where to find me.
I would be grateful for your prayers.