As I sit here contemplating life I am reminded of my son around 4 years of age. I see his little face looking up at me and winking. At first I thought it was adorable. But when it became more prominent I began to wonder if something was wrong. He was taken to a specialist who diagnosed him with a high level of farsightedness. His right eye was turning inward seeking to find it's focus. After several years the treatments stopped yet he continued to wear glasses.
We believed the problem had been absolved but it hadn't. Unbeknownst to us the brain had reverted back to it's previous, familiar focusing techniques. Bifocals were added to his prescription to force the right eye to focus correctly. In the process the doctor believed the mind would be trained with the true programming. He's been in this process now for several years. As time has passed we've seen improvement.
A month ago we went in to pick up a new pair of glasses. As he put them on immediately he struggled to find focus. At first we thought the lab had gotten the prescription wrong but upon further examination the Optician discovered the problem. His old pair of glasses had gotten out of sync. The bifocal line had moved altering his vision once again. The new glasses were correct. The old were not. It would take a little adjusting but in a matter of hours he should be good to go.
Immediately I knew it was a picture for my heart.
Years of living a religious life has left it's effects on my mind. So many "should's", "ought to's" and "musts" have been pounded in. For the better part of life I had been trained to think a certain way. "I need to make who I am better." "I need to strive to be pleasing to God." "If I do enough right things maybe God will be happy with me." "If I study, pray, and read enough maybe it will be enough." It was a life about what I could and would do that would make the difference. It was bondage at it's finest. It caused me to live with a ruler that measured everything and hoped it would measure up.
That is until God added bifocals to my prescription. It was then I first began to see.
At times it feels as if there is a boatload of mismatched thoughts floating around in my brain. Years of knowledge have programmed my thinking. It's easy to revert to the old way of seeing pretty quickly. But as God sifts the wheat from the tares my focus begins to change as my mind is renewed with truth. It's a process I'm certain will go on until I meet Jesus face to face.
I've begun to see things I'd never seen before. I cannot make who I am better. The old me was crucified forever. I was made new. My past and all it's effects have been removed once for all. The sins I have done, the sins that have been done against me are forever absolved. I will never, ever be able to do enough to make God happy with me. For it's not about what I do that makes Him happy, it's about who I am to Him. I don't have to pray or read to find Him, He's inside me all the time. His Spirit has made His home in me.
Everything now becomes an invitation at His initiation. His Spirit indwelling woos me to walk with Him into new places. He allures me to a life that requires nothing of me but to receive all that Christ gave to me when He was crucified, buried and rose to new life. As Jesus was buried so was my past. When He rose anew, I did too.
I'm trying to wrap my mind around it all.
Sometimes these lenses get out of adjustment and my mind wanders back to the old way of seeing. Gently, lovingly He takes my face in His hands to direct my gaze back to where it needs to be. Slowly but surely my mind is being reprogrammed by each new prescription. Moment by moment I am seeing anew.
At times it overwhelms me. At times it feels as if there is too much out of sync in my mind. It's then I remember that God comes for me in the out of sync places to tell me what is true. The gift of His Spirit indwelling will always guide me into to the path of life. I rejoice as I see it is He who connects the dots inside my mind. His Spirit makes the way into understanding. He leads the blind along the unfamiliar paths. I see I am right where I need to be. I am desperately dependent on Him in me.
©copyrighted 2010, Julie L. Todd