The tears rolled down my face as my husband prayed. He knew it was imperative that he take me to the Father. All it took was one look at my troubled face to know.
We had just gone over the budget for our current and impending expenses. The weight of how it would all work out was bearing down on me. It’s not uncommon for me to feel it. As he prayed I knew it wasn’t about the money. It was about something much deeper.
I’ve always hated money. There never seems to be enough of it. We live frugally. I’m good with making it stretch. But this, how would I manage all this? As David prayed, specific words penetrated into some deep place. I couldn’t shake them. “These bank accounts and expenses are yours, Father.” Why did I feel so detached from those words? I knew the truth. All I have is His. Why then did it all feel like mine?
I realized that an invitation to look a little deeper had arrived. I knew I needed to draw away with Jesus and talk.
Jesus, why does the money get me so?
“It represents security.” “You don’t like the unknown.” “But I want to tell you something, Jewel.” “The unknown is where you find Me.” “Do you see that?”
There is no peace here, Jesus. Something is amiss. The money is beyond my ability to figure out. I’ve been here before, many times... Why haven’t I learned this?
“You haven’t been ready to fully let go until now.” “You’ve held onto the belief that it’s up to you.” “How many times have you said, “I’m in charge of the money?”
Too many to count.
“It’s what you believe, isn’t it?” Yes. “Is it really yours?” "Are you really in charge?"
“Jewel, I never knew how the provision for my needs would come.” “But I knew that I and all that I had, was His” “I knew He took care of that which was His.” “You’re forgetting that.” “Don’t forget that, Jewel.” “It’s imperative.”
“It’s all His, Jewel.” “How could you possibly figure out what is His?” “It’s His to figure out.” “No wonder you are weary. This isn’t yours to carry.” “You listen, you follow, it’s that simple. He’ll do the rest.” “You’ll be amazed at how He works.” “He does like to show off, after all.”
“Here’s the thing, Jewel.” “If this is about you figuring things out, it won’t be about Abba.” “Do you see that?” “You’re trying to make sense of something that is His.” “Let Him figure it out and then guide you.” “There is a difference, you know.” “He makes everything work.” “Let it go.” “You’re off the hook.” "I've got great news for you." "You are no longer in charge of making everything work.” “He is.” “You know what’s really ironic?” “You weren’t making it work anyways.” “It was all Him.”
The words ring out and pierce a place in my soul. I know I have just had an encounter with truth. Truth embraced always sets free. All this time I’ve been trying to make something work that wasn’t mine in the first place.
I’ve been carrying something that was never mine to carry. I’m not good with the money. He in me, is. It’s not up to me. It’s never been up to me. It never will be. All along He has carried me. All that I am and have belongs to Him. It’s all His. He will carry what belongs to Him. I’m off the hook. I see it now.
My Father is wealthy. He is the Creator of the Universe. Everything belongs to Him. He carries my portion for me. At just the right moment in time He will release what is needful. He has my todays. He has my tomorrows. After all He is the Creator of them all. Once again the treasures of the kingdom are revealed to my heart. Once again I am undone.
©copyrighted: 2009 Julie L. Todd