How does life get so out of balance? What happens that brings it to this place? I’m walking along the path I know when suddenly something seems amiss. I thought I was following Him. Did I get off on my own path?
I see a destination, a place I know He is asking me to go. I start out needing Him. I don’t know how to get to there. I’m clueless at what this road looks like. I look to Him, moment by moment. But somewhere along the way I become comfortable in what I “know” to do. Things go south, quickly. “What’s going on here, Jesus?” “How did I get here?”
“Balance, Jewel, balance.”
“Is that a word even in my vocabulary?”
“Yes, but you’ve looked to the wrong source.” “I am the Balancer.” “You get a revelation on something.” “You start out realizing that you have no clue what to do so you come to me.” “But when it all starts to click you begin to lean on your own understanding.”
I lived a self-reliant life for too many years. The roots emerge from time to time from the seeds sown in my life. Each time it devastates me. How did I get back here again? Will I ever really learn and understand dependence?
“Jesus, how did You live a life that was totally dependent on Your Abba?”
“I knew the work was in Abba.” “Without Him directing my every step it would become about Me.” “I left the picture with Him.”
“I was a man, Jewel, just like you. I knew I didn’t have the picture. I knew I must follow.”
“But I start there, Jesus. I think that I’m there. I believe that I am following you. How does it get turned around?”
“You’re still trying to be the best at what you do. You want so desperately to learn that you forget to wait, to seek, to knock.”
“Remember the picture of the oxen I gave you?” “Remember what you read?” “A young inexperienced ox was was yoked with an experienced ox.” “The experienced ox would keep the young ox from going his own way.”
“You’ve not been fully yoked to me, Jewel.” “The only way you will live a reliant life on Abba is if you are yoked to Me, fully yoked.” “You can’t come and go once things start working.” “All things must be done under that yoke.” “I am the experienced ox that will keep you from going your own way.”
I so desperately want to get this. I feel the weight of it all. I feel the emptiness of self-reliance. I see the cost it brings to me and others in my life. Expectations become the reality.
“But for the grace of Abba, Jewel, you will go there.” “Your very life is dependent on Him coming through for you in every situation.” “He knew you would never be able to come through.” “He made a way for you.”
For once I have no picture. I like having pictures. I often ask Papa God to give me them so I can see clearly. If I can see it, then I can “get it”. I see now, the picture has become my demise.
He leads the blind along the unfamiliar paths. He speaks to them, do not turn to the right or the left. Here’s the way, walk in it.
Left to myself I know I will move towards the path of finding my way. It’s a “too familiar” path. It will awaken my flesh and my flesh will always bring death. It is a necessity of my life to be led by Him alone. I don’t want to figure it out anymore. It’s too costly.
As Jesus speaks to me my prayer changes. I only want to see You. I trust You with the picture. You will be my eyes. Your arms will steady me, Your feet will direct me. Keep the picture Papa. For my sake, keep the picture.”
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
©copyrighted: 2009 Julie L. Todd