Sometimes the regrets of my life, overwhelm me. I wish I could go back to the beginning with what I now know. I ache when I see how the enemy has used my actions to speak to those I love.
When I hear the words, “I feel”, from one of my daughters it’s usually not a good feeling. Words have been distorted and though I’ve not spoken what they perceive, it’s what they believe.
I have made mistakes, I have regrets. I’ve lived a wounded life causing wounds. It devastates me to think of it. My words and actions have been used to hurt those I so dearly love. But what they feel isn’t what I feel. Messages have been spoken that were not true. How can I convince them?
It’s funny how you swap sides of the fence. I was once in my daughters’ shoes. I once believed things about my mom’s actions or lack of actions. I once perceived and felt the same type of things.
She must have felt the same pain I feel when my daughters tell me of their misperceptions. It’s unlike any other heartache. If you could just get them to see the truth...... I ache in these moments, for myself, my daughters and yes, my mother.
In the movie “Two Weeks Notice” Sandra Bullock’s character says, “For better or for worse, my mother is the voice in my head.” For daughters, unfortunately that comes close to truth. We allow our mothers actions to be a voice in our heads. We allow our perceptions of their actions, instead of their hearts, to speak truth. It is our downfall.
I want so desperately for my daughters to see into my heart and know. They are my treasures, I love them with every fiber of my being. I will always be pleased with them. I delight in who they are. Nothing is more important to me than them. I ache for them to know.
No matter how desperately I want them to see, my hands are tied. Just as my mother was not able to free me, I cannot free them. Only Jesus can set one free. He is the way, the TRUTH and the life. It all comes down to truth. What is the truth?
I started out my life looking to two people to give me something they were never made to give me; love and value. God is the giver of love. He is the bestower of value. Man was made to be a conduit of love, not the source. My parents were not made to be the source, they were made to bring me to the One who is. I got it all mixed up.
My parents became my source, instead of my conduit. When they could not fully give me what I so desperately wanted I was deceived into allowing their actions speak to me of who I was or was not. It was all a horrible mistake. God was meant to give me those things, not my parents.
I fell into the same trap with my children. If I could just love them well and bestow their value on them, then my heart would rejoice. I couldn’t. I failed. I wished I’d known. I hurt them.
I wonder what it’s like for God as He watches us turn to others to fill the needs He made for Himself. He waits to tell us the truth. He waits to love us and give us our value. I wonder if He aches for us to know, believe and live, like I ache for my children.... He must.
My aches become my cries. His aches become His invitation. “Let your feelings and pain bring you to me for the truth.” “Don’t let them define you.” “Don’t let them speak to your value.” “Let me give you value.” “Your mother is not the voice in your head... I AM.” “Let it be so.”
The perceived voice of our mothers can no longer be the voice in our heads. It’s distorted. It will not give us the truth we long for. Until we let the perceptions go, we will not hear His.
He waits to tell us what He sees in us. He waits to love us with a love that will never leave us empty and wondering. HE is the truth.
As He aches for us to know, He invites. “Come let me tell you who you are.” “I will be the voice in your head.” “Let it be so, my love, let it be so.”
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©copyrighted: 2009 Julie L. Todd