Friday, March 20, 2009

It's Not My Mother's Voice

      Sometimes the regrets of my life, overwhelm me.  I wish I could go back to the beginning with what I now know.  I ache when I see how the enemy has used my actions to speak to those I love.  


       When I hear the words, “I feel”, from one of my daughters it’s usually not a good feeling.  Words have been distorted and though I’ve not spoken what they perceive, it’s what they believe.


      I have made mistakes, I have regrets.  I’ve lived a wounded life causing wounds.  It devastates me to think of it.  My words and actions have been used to hurt those I so dearly love.  But what they feel isn’t what I feel.  Messages have been spoken that were not true.  How can I convince them?

   

      It’s funny how you swap sides of the fence.  I was once in my daughters’ shoes.  I once believed things about my mom’s actions or lack of actions.  I once perceived and felt the same type of things.   


        She must have felt the same pain I feel when my daughters tell me of their misperceptions.  It’s unlike any other heartache.  If you could just get them to see the truth......  I ache in these moments, for myself, my daughters and yes, my mother.   

     

      In the movie “Two Weeks Notice” Sandra Bullock’s character says,  “For better or for worse, my mother is the voice in my head.”  For daughters, unfortunately that comes close to truth.  We allow our mothers actions to be a voice in our heads.  We allow our perceptions of their actions, instead of their hearts, to speak truth.  It is our downfall.  

    

      I want so desperately for my daughters to see into my heart and know.  They are my treasures, I love them with every fiber of my being.  I will always be pleased with them.  I delight in who they are.   Nothing is more important to me than them.  I ache for them to know.


        No matter how desperately I want them to see, my hands are tied.  Just as my mother was not able to free me, I cannot free them.  Only Jesus can set one free.  He is the  way, the TRUTH and the life.   It all comes down to truth.  What is the truth?  


        I started out my life looking to two people to give me something they were never made to give me; love and value.  God is the giver of love.  He is the bestower of value.  Man was made to be a conduit of love, not the source.  My parents were not made to be the source, they were made to bring me to the One who is.   I got it all mixed up.


        My parents became my source, instead of my conduit.  When they could not fully give me what I so desperately wanted I was deceived into allowing their actions speak to me of who I was or was not.  It was all a horrible mistake.  God was meant to give me those things, not my parents.


       I fell into the same trap with my children.  If I could just love them well and bestow their value on them, then my heart would rejoice.  I couldn’t.  I failed.   I wished I’d known.  I hurt them.


      I wonder what it’s like for God as He watches us turn to others to fill the needs He made for Himself.  He waits to tell us the truth.  He waits to love us and give us our value.    I wonder if He aches for us to know, believe and live, like I ache for my children....  He must.


     My aches become my cries.  His aches become His invitation.   “Let your feelings and pain bring you to me for the truth.”  “Don’t let them define you.”  “Don’t let them speak to your value.”  “Let me give you value.”  “Your mother is not the voice in your head... I AM.”  “Let it be so.”  


      The perceived voice of our mothers can no longer be the voice in our heads.  It’s distorted.  It will not give us the truth we long for.  Until we let the perceptions go, we will not hear His.


      He waits to tell us what He sees in us.  He waits to love us with a love that will never leave us empty and wondering.  HE is the truth.    


      As He aches for us to know, He invites.  “Come let me tell you who you are.”   “I will be the voice in your head.”  “Let it be so,  my love, let it be so.”


Submitted to April's Write-Away Contest at Scribbet, check it out here:

©copyrighted:  2009 Julie L. Todd

15 comments:

Hannah said... Reply to comment

Good post mom
We try to hear the good but sometimes it's hard
It will get better though the mre we listen to God
Love you

2nd Cup of Coffee said... Reply to comment

So much wisdom, Julie. These kind of thoughts keep me awake at night--not good. But if you can share with your kids and grandkids like you did here, there is purpose and healing.

ktwalden said... Reply to comment

"My parents were not made to be the source, they were made to bring me to the One who is. " I learned this lesson the hard way with my children and have regrets also. But God's mercies are great and new everyday...so I rejoice in that truth and freedom that come through Christ. Bless you, Julie!

Amy said... Reply to comment

Julie,

Amen...God is our SOURCE!!

I am sure if God were sitting with you face to face, He would say, "This is my daughter with whom I am well-pleased." You are truly a woman after God's heart.

Your daughters must feel so blessed to have you as their mom.

Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart!

Love you much,
Amy

Daughter of the King said... Reply to comment

Thank you for sharing this, Julie. I still have young ones, so hopefully I can learn from this. Although, I can see how very easily one can fall into the trap. We want to be their provider for everything. You have so wonderfully reminded us there is only one Provider.

Thank you!

(Hey, I've got a little something for you at my blog, so stop on by!)

:)

Crown of Beauty said... Reply to comment

I surely can identify with you in this post, esp. in relation to my first born. But God has brought healing and restoration! Thanks to God that He does repay us for the years the locust has eaten. There is so much hope, for Satan can't be forever holding the reins of our lives in his hands! And praise God we don't need to live in self blame for the rest of our lives...there;s hope, there's hope!

Anonymous said... Reply to comment

You have no idea how much this has blessed me today, nor how much I needed to hear this right now. Your words have been used by God to truly pierce the film over my heart that has kept the truth from me. My mom's words over me have haunted me all my life and still have way too much power. I am struggling to truly believe God as my source, and let go of the fantasy that 'a husband' will solve this issue for me. God has been so wise to withhold a husband from me for this purpose. I have spent this afternoon reminding myself of these words, and my time with friends was more blessed than ever. I love your blog. God is using you mightily!

Gretchen said... Reply to comment

I think I tried posting this comment, but might've been kicked out.

I just simply said that it's hard to imagine a love more deep, consuming and complete than a mother's love. However, I must bow to He who truly loves completely each day to better refine my own love of self and others. Beautiful post, Julie. I'm so glad Hannah got to see it and that she commented.

McNew Family said... Reply to comment

Julie,

I have very much enjoyed listening to your wisdom, your pain and your joy in your posts

Blessings

http://mammadandcrew.blogspot.com/

Just To Praise Him... said... Reply to comment

I wish the same things for my daughters. I wish I could let them be born all over again so that I could start all over again knowing what I know now. But God is faithful to restore, to mend, to set free and begin again. He will bring through the bad all the good that was intended. Thank you for your comment on my blog. Glad to know it will oneday come to an end...lol. Have a good one and rock on for Jesus!!!

Sharon said... Reply to comment

I think most would like to share this with there children! This is good Julie!
I can see God is really working on your heart, and hearing this I am sure made him happy.
Great share looking froward to another.
Have a Beautiful and Blessed Day :)

Carmen Gamble said... Reply to comment

You sure have a beautiful family! I enjoyed your post. I don't believe there's a mother out there that hasn't felt the same way!

Comfort Joy Designs said... Reply to comment

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Scribbit said... Reply to comment

I've wondered about some of this myself--I tend to think that the Lord is much more forgiving of us and our mistakes than we tend to be of ourselves.

Antique Mommy said... Reply to comment

Even the love we have for our children is not perfect, it's complicated but it's fierce. Love never fails and covers a myriad of sins. I'm counting on that. Very thoughtful post.