Meet My Daughters:

Hello my friends, I just wanted to take a minute to introduce you to my two daughters' blogs. Both are on a God journey.

My girl, Hannah is walking a difficult road after her engagement was broken this past May. She is writing the musings of her heart as she seeks to find God in the midst of her brokenness. Her posts are raw and vulnerable as she honestly reveals the battles and questions she faces. If you'd like to visit, her blog is: Walking Into Freedom:

My Hannah:

My girl Courtney and her husband Kevin are following God into a new adventure. This past April, at 12 weeks into their pregnancy, they learned that they had lost their baby. They were told that they would have to wait a year before trying to have another child. They began to seek God's heart on what He would have for this season of their lives. They felt Him leading them to go overseas for a YWAM Discipleship Training School/Outreach. They are currently raising support with plans to leave in early October. They are writing of their journey from marriage to miscarriage to missions. You can visit their blog here: Together In Him:

My Courtney:

My girls have walked some tough roads these last few months. I'd love to have you visit them and share the love that you have so beautifully given to me. If you stop by their blogs, please tell them you are a friend of mine. Thanks, friends for loving on my girls!

The Fabric of My Life

An adorable little blonde girl sat contentedly on her father's lap eating her doughnut, not a care in the world. As I looked down at her small feet slipped inside her white sandals memories of years gone by flooded into my mind. Wasn't it just yesterday that my own girls wore cute little sandals much like hers?

God's timing is so impeccable at times that it overwhelms me.

I had just been having a conversation with Him about my children and the years that had passed. When my children were the age of that little girl I didn't know much about grace. I wish I had. My life's path as a mother would have taken a much different turn. I would not have been so focused on modifying their behavior. I would have spent my time telling them who God saw them to be and what Christ's death really meant for them. I would tell them that they didn't have to get it all right, because that's what Jesus came to do. I would tell them that their sins will never define them, that God defines them. I would speak of His delight in them, telling them that He would never, ever, ever be ashamed of them for their mistakes. I would invite them to live in their reality, Jesus in them is their life. He wants to live from the inside out in them.

But I came into grace too late for their early years. I couldn't give them what I didn't have. Sometimes it feels like too much water has passed under the bridge.

How does one reconcile the years gone by? What does one do with the tangle of threads they've woven into the life of another, especially when it is their child? How would one untangle such a mess? As I contemplate it all, feeling the overwhelm, I am reminded of when my grandmother taught me how to cross stitch.

She started off showing me how to look at the pattern and count each square, placing the thread right where it needed to go. Once my lessen was finished I was sent home to work on my own. When I returned for my next instruction she turned the fabric over to look at the back. She immediately saw that I had been carrying threads across the fabric instead of taking the time to cut them close. The result was a chaotic mess. Patiently, Grandmother took the tangled threads out and wove them in neatly right where they needed to go. By the end of my first project the back of my tapestry was as neat as the front. Each and every mess had been resolved.

It's what I imagine Papa God does with the threads that I've woven into my life, and the lives of those I love. Somehow, someway He takes those threads and intertwines them into the fabric of each life weaving His story of redemption.

In some unfathomable way there is never too much water under the bridge for any life. God is the God of my yesterdays, my todays and my tomorrows. He weaves His story of restoration in ways my mind cannot comprehend. As He does with me, so He will do with my children. It's that which gives me hope.

Nothing I do will ever fix a thing in my life. I cannot make who I was better. Jesus died so that I might have a fresh, new start each and every day. He fixed everything and now offers to live His perfect life through me. I get to step into what He has done for me. He makes all things new.

One by one He's taking the threads of my life, unraveling them, cutting them close while weaving them into a unique tapestry. It is the story that tells of how He came for one stuck in sin and shame and brought them out. As my children watch they are given a picture for their own lives. He is the God who makes all things good.

I live to tell, for I am His story of redemption.

Confessions of a Child©

When I read about the disciples I don't feel so abnormal. They walked with Jesus for 3 years in the flesh, yet sometimes they were really clueless. One day they were debating who was the greatest among them. Jesus' response is classic. "Unless you become like a little child you cannot enter into the kingdom of heaven." His words take me back to the early years of my children.

My children wanted protection and guidance. They took my extended hand when it was offered.

They knew they didn't have all the answers. They were inquisitive. They wanted to be taught.

They didn't have their own provision. They came to us to be taken care of.

They didn't try to figure out their lives. They needed guidance to tell them where to go, what to do. They trusted the one who guided them.

When they were in pain, in need, in fear, afraid of the dark, they cried out. They were humble.

They weren't ashamed to come as they were to climb up my lap. They didn't question whether I wanted them near, they just came. They loved to be loved. They loved to love.

They wore no masks. They played no roles, they simply were who they were. They knew their place with me.

They believed. They trusted.

I see it so clearly now that I've lived it so wrongly. It's not just about salvation. It's about my identity. Unless I become like a child, I will never fully enter into the kingdom of Christ which now dwells in me.

At 23, I walked through the door of salvation, with the heart of a child. Immediately I began to live as an adult. I took care of myself. I didn't have a clue how to need. I leaned on my own understanding. The "shoulds" of the law captured my heart and life became about me and what I had to do to be right and pleasing to him. I began to try and sanctify myself by trying to make my "old man" better. I lived from the outside in.

I put on my masks to cover my shame. I played my roles, the ones that gave me some sense of value and fulfilled expectations. I protected myself. I trusted myself. Before I knew it I had forgotten what it looked like to enter in as a child. I quenched the very kingdom of heaven that made it's home in me, yet I didn't have a clue.

At 52 years of age, Jesus is bringing me back around. I am learning how to become a child again.

I continue to come back to this thought. Jesus said He had to leave in order for something better to come. He ascended into heaven. His Holy Spirit descended upon the earth. No longer would I have to experience Him from the outside, He would come to my inside. He would tell me who He knows me to be. He would teach me, counsel me, guide me into truth, leading me through the paths of life. After all He said He leads the blind on the unfamiliar path.

To inherit the kingdom is to live Christ in me. To live Christ in me, warrants the heart of a child that trusts out of a desire to be loved. He beckons me to come out from underneath my masks and be real before Him and others. He invites me to learn how to need again as He waits to take care of me.

Trust is the key that opens that door. Without it I will never believe. Jesus is the way, the truth, the life. He is the way that leads me into the truth that gives me life.

I'm coming back around now to where I once started. I'm learning to trust, really trust. I long to be loved. I long to give love. I have no resources of my own. I need and I need desperately. I have no role to play, no ministry to fulfill. I don't need them anymore. I am learning how to be who I am in the moments of each day with a Spirit who inhabits me.

He has made me new. I am learning what that looks like, living from the inside out with the One who knows the path of life. In this magical place I am rediscovering the kingdom of heaven, Christ in me, is the hope of glory.

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

The Cries of the Heart©

Before I had children I often heard women speak of the different cries their children had and how they knew what each one meant. I couldn’t fathom how one would know the difference. Then I became a mother and I understood.

There were different cries for different needs. I knew them all. Even when they could not speak a word I knew from the sound of their tears what they were crying out for. Their need warranted my coming for them. I didn’t wait for them to express what was going on correctly. As their cries resounded, immediately I ran to gather them up.

I remember the day like it was yesterday, yet more than 6 years have passed. Times were tough and life was hard. I could feel the effects of the storms we found ourselves in the midst of. On this particular day I had reached the end. I felt the tears waiting just behind my eyes. As bedtime approached I started the water in the tub. I needed a place to escape and let loose. Once I stepped in, the dam of emotions broke loose sending it's rivulets down my cheeks.

It didn't take long for the sobs hidden someplace deep to find their way up and out. As I soaked my body, my soul released the longings of my heart. There were no words to speak. I was void of them. Where was God? I didn't have the energy to pray as I had been taught to do. Truth is I couldn't even breathe the word, "help". Wasn’t I supposed to cry out for help in order for God to come? What would happen to me now? I was about to find out.

I didn't do one thing, I didn’t utter one word, yet Jesus came.

It was the beginning to an end for me. All these years I’d been trying to do and say all the things I was supposed to so that He could show up for me. Yet when I couldn’t do any of them He came in the most beautiful way.

I was totally and completely bereft of words, actions, godly attitudes and choices, yet God came near to me and lifted me up into His arms' embrace. I didn’t do one thing and still He came. It was in that moment I began to see something new and fresh. It's not about what I do that makes the difference, it's about who I am to Him.

I couldn’t get over it. I still can’t.

Tears are the language of the heart. Jesus knows what they mean. He reads them and rides on the heavens to save me. I don’t have to say the right words or have the right posture. I simply need. It is my need that warrants His rescue.

As a mother comforts her child, so He comforts me. His great love stands ready, listening for my deep need to be made known. It's absolutely mind blowing when I think about it, just as I heard the needs of my children in their tears, He hears the cries of my heart.

"There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides on the heavens to help

you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Deut. 33:26-27b

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

The Interwoven Life of Us ©

I've already raised two teenagers. I am currently raising two with another waiting in the wings to start her journey in about six weeks. Regardless of their gender they've shared a generic phrase during life encounters; "I know".

My teenagers think they know alot more than they really know. That is until life proves otherwise.

It's really not just a commonality with teenagers. It was true for the "learned" in Jesus' day.

It's true for me too.

Knowledge became my goal. I believed that if I learned enough about God I would be loved. At least I would prove my allegiance, hopefully pleasing Him. Had I lived in the days when Jesus walked the earth I think I too would have been a good Pharisee.

Once I came to the end of my quest it was there I found love.

As I considered this paradox the other day Jesus sweetly began to reveal to me what knowledge had done to my life.

"Knowledge puffs up, Jewel." "It's often the hindrance to the encounter." "It's not about trying to understand me to know what I want from you." "It's about being open to receive me as I am in you."

"You've spent most of your life trying to understand me so that you could be like me.... do all the right things, make all the right choices..."

"That's not it, Jewel". "That will take you into a life of knowledge much like the men of my day." "They thought they knew so much about my Abba, yet they didn't have a clue about Me." They didn't see me for who I was." "They were looking for something they had learned." "I was there in their midst, yet they didn't see me." "Their knowledge puffed them up and kept them blind."

"Knowing about Me and living in Me are two very different creatures." "One requires Me, the other requires you." "Seek me to know me in you, not to know about me to imitate me." "You cannot imitate me." "I've lived my life, now you must live yours..." "It's the life of you and I interwoven together as one."

"As the Father was in me, so I am in you." "The Father was reflected in me as I lived our life together." "It's the same for you, Jewel." "Dependence is the key." "Knowledge just puffs up."

"Encounter me in you." "That's the ticket." "The people of my day had me right in the scope of their eyes and they had no clue." "They could have encountered my Abba through me, but they didn't."

"I'm in the scope of your eyes, too Jewel. I'm in you." "Live out of that." "Don't try to figure it all out yourself." "You'll never figure it out." "It is my Spirit which was given to you that reveals all things." "Listen to My Spirit within you." "He will guide you into all truth." "You need Him in order to live this life." "Don't forget that."

Jesus told the disciples that He had to leave in order for something better to come to indwell them. No longer is Jesus on the outside living His life. His Spirit now lives in me. His Spirit waits to reveal what that looks like, allowing me to live from the inside out.

Maybe that's why Jesus told us to become like little children. Little children look to their parents to guide them. They need.

It's in the need that I am finding my release. I can't figure out this life. I have no clue. Honestly I don't want to have a clue anymore. After all, having my own ideas kept me from the beauty of encounters.

The Spirit of the living God resides in me. He was sent to comfort, guide, counsel, teach. I have access to Him every moment of every day. It is He who guides me into all truth. No longer do I have to lean on my own understanding. I don't have to get it right or figure it all out. I am now invited to need Him to live. By His Spirit alone I live and move and have my being.

Life bearing encounters are making their way into my life as I awaken to this beautiful Spirit that chooses to make His home in me. As He engages with me in the moments of life I am finding my way into the stunning discovery of this interwoven life of "us".

"Knowledge puffs up by love builds up."

I Corinthians 8:1

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

Loving the Impromptu©

I gathered my things together and headed out for my normal Friday Starbucks day. I knew my 1st and 3rd born children would be standing behind the counter, waiting to serve me. I was surprised to see my 2nd born married girl walk through the door. She'd stopped by to sit with me on her lunch break.

What a gift it is to have impromptu times such as these.

We grabbed a table and within minutes my oldest took her 10 minute break and joined us.

The 3 of us sat talking, laughing, enjoying the sheer pleasure of being together. It wasn't what we talked about that brought me joy, it was the gift of comfortable conversation and love shared.

My heart was taking it all in, relishing the gift of this time. I had no record in my mind of how long it had been since we had all been together like that. I didn't really care. The truth is all I care about at those moments is the pleasure of sitting there with my girls.

It's in times like these my heart sees a clearer picture of the One who loves me beyond measure.

So many years of my life I went to sit with God due to a requirement I was encouraged to fulfill.

I was told often that if I loved Him I would spend at least 30 minutes a day in "quiet time", preferably in the morning. So, I did. I wanted to prove my love for Him.

When I missed a day, guilt came after me. If I missed several I often chastised myself. I didn't deserve for Him to talk to me. After all I had neglected Him for days. I had no idea how wrong I was about Him. But now, as I move into this place of intimate relationship He opens my eyes to see things I've not known.

He's not waiting with a record book to see if I will come. There is no data kept that tells Him how frequently I've visited Him. There's no agenda that needs to be discussed, no right words to speak. His heart is the one that beats in me. He loves it when I drop by for a visit. He relishes the impromptu visits led by the heart.

The words spoken in conversation are not even what it's about. The sheer pleasure of having me come to hang out with Him is.

The truth is, He's just plain delighted to see me.

As Hannah's break ended, Courtney's time was up as well. Hugs and kisses goodbye, "I love you's" spoken left my heart full to overflowing. My girls came to hang out with me. There is no greater gift for my mother's heart.

I love the impromptu moments of the heart's leading with my children. What if I required them to come and sit with me? How would it fare? Intimacy would be replaced with expectations. It just wouldn't be the same for my heart, nor theirs.

Days will go by before the next opportunity comes. Impromptu times have no routine for they happen as we live in the moments. It's times like these that fill the soul unlike anything a schedule could ever bring.

"Come as you are, Jewel." "It's what my heart longs for." I hear Him say.

His Spirit indwells us. He said He had to leave in order for something better to come to us. Yet far too often I've not even allowed this Guide inside me to invite me into the moments of the impromptu. I've met requirements for the better part of my life. Intimacy, true deep heart igniting intimacy, has been held back.

It's in the moments that my heart cries out to "be" with Him that I am finding a love that leaves me undone. For in those moments, those beautiful moments I see that all He ever wanted was for me to come as my heart beckoned me. It's in that place I find the sheer pleasure of His delight.

As I relish the impromptu moments of with my children it's then I see, so does He.

I really am the image of God.

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

Do You Want to be Well?©

I always hated it when my children were sick. It caused me to spring into action, finding whatever resources I had on hand that might lessen their suffering. Immune building medications were given to help fight the culprit that invaded their bodies. Some took the dosages easily, one did not.

Whether not wanting to deal with the taste of the liquid or the swallowing of pills, one of my children often refused that which could help their body recover quickly. Their choices often prolonged their illness. I hated it for that child. I would try to coax them asking, "Do you want to get well?" When it came down to it, they wanted their suffering to end, but on their own terms, terms they were comfortable with.

It's funny how you can read a story several times, yet miss the revelation hidden inside. It happened to me a few days ago while reading John 5: As Jesus pulled the veil back to reveal, I saw something I'd never seen before. Like my child, I unknowingly refused that which would set me free from the ailments of my soul.

The story goes like this. Jesus came upon the pool of Bethesda. A man who had been ill for 38 years lay beside it. When Jesus saw him laying there he said, "Do you wish to be well?"

The man answered, "Sir I have no man to put me in the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming another steps down before me."

Thirty-eight years this man has been sick and yet he knows no one who can help him into the pool? Seriously? How in the world did he get to the pool in the first place?

Did he want to be well? Really?

There written in the spaces of Jesus' question was the confirmation of what I have been discovering. Self effort gets you no where. Living in my old self trying to make her get to where she needs to be doesn't work. It only prohibits my healing.

I didn't understand that. I thought this walk with God was somehow up to me. Wasn't I supposed to work out my salvation with fear and trembling? Wasn't I somehow supposed to get this life right. I wanted to make God happy with me. I wanted Him to be glad that He had allowed me in. I didn't want to be a disappointment. Therefore, I worked hard to make who I was better.

Something was always missing for me in that life. I was crippled with my shame and brokenness. No matter how much I did, I never knew if it was enough. I had no way to measure. Like the man who lay by the pool I kept trying to get myself into the right place to be made whole.

Once that man acknowledged he couldn't get himself into the pool, Jesus said, "get up, take up your pallet and walk." He allowed the One who spoke this world into existence to be the answer. Immediately he was made whole. Afterwards Jesus told him not to go back to his old life, to leave it be. It's not who he was any longer. Life started anew.

"Do you want to be free from those things that cripple you," Jesus has asked me? "Are you willing to stop living by your efforts so that I can be lived out in you?" "Are you willing to let that old self, you've lived in so long, die?" "Will you allow My resurrected life to be lived through you?

That old self mentality with it's lies, hurts and shame will continue to hold me captive. Yet Jesus offers His life to me, which brings my release. "Jewel, cut the ties with your old self, let her go." "Who you were before you entered into a covenant with me was crucified with me." "Everything started afresh." "I gave you my life." "Now it's Me in you joined together as one."

This story paints quite the picture for me. I cannot get myself where I want or need to be. Jesus died to the requirement of having to live by my abilities. He offers me His perfect life resurrected in me, now.

I'm making my way there, sometimes one baby step at a time. The more desperately I need Him, the more I find, I live. In those moments He comes in totality of who He is and releases me to see what He knows. The old is gone, the new has come.

So, how about you. Do you want to be well?

©copyrighted 2010 Julie L. Todd