Being Laid Bare

It won't be long before the beautiful trees of these mountains are laid bare. To prepare the trees for new life, leaves once vibrant with color will fall away, decomposing on the ground to feed the soil their rich nutrients. Old things must die so that new things might be birthed. It's the cycle of life, "the old has gone, the new has come." In order for the new life to be awakened in us, the old life must be removed.

For years old things have held me captive. I have been stuck in the old way of thinking. Who I believed I was, who I believed God was and what I believed was expected of me, have all played a part in my captivity. Growing up in the church I was trained to consider all the things that a good soldier of the Lord was required to do and be. Life was about what I could and should do. "Should" drains the life out of living? Living in the "shoulds" of Christianity kills the heart of the relationship.

He came that we might have life and have it to the full. Was it really up to me to find that life? Or was it He that brought it to me? Was it my life lived out in attempts to please Him or was it His life lived out of me in my bankruptcy? Was it I who loved Him first or He who loved me first?

Papa God got out His pruning shears and one by one began to snip away the false beliefs I held about Him, and myself. What was it that He truly wanted from me? Who was I to Him? All He ever wanted with me was what I wanted with Him; love, true love.

He created me to love me. He wanted me to respond to that love. He wanted me to see what He saw in me. He wanted me to know His true heart. He wanted to be my strength and live His life through me. He would not rest until I saw what He saw.

About the same time in my life, my husband decided to cut back a shrub in our front yard. By the time he had finished, all that was left was a stump of empty branches. I thought surely he must have killed it. There was nothing left but the foundation of the plant. Was it possible it would ever again be filled with vibrant new life?

That shrub became a connection to my inner being. I felt as if limbs were being amputated. So much had to be clipped away to get to the foundation of my thinking. At times I didn't know who I was anymore. I felt like that shrub. Was there going to be anything left inside me when it was all over? I felt so dead and empty, were there any signs of life?

Week after week I watched that empty shrub for signs of life. It felt as if somehow we were enter twined. Maybe if new life sprang forth on it, I would see it in myself. I watched to see if it would survive the drastic pruning and live.

One day it finally happened. A tiny shoot of green burst out of one of the stubby branches. Tears streamed down my face as I saw it. It was a visual promise to me. Though I felt dead, life still invaded my body waiting to burst out. The seed of life indwelt me. Though I felt dead, I was still alive.

The Gardener prunes away all that is dead to make room for new life to emerge. It's nothing to fear. It's the way it was meant to be. Being laid bare is the preparation for new life. Pruning is the promise of a new beginning. A beginning of life as it was always meant to be.

It's out of love that the Gardener prunes us. He wants the light of His life to permeate our souls. Christ crucified bought us a new beginning, a new life. The slate is wiped clean, the old has gone, the new has come. The work has already been done, we now need to see it to live in it.

Being laid bare gives us the chance to have our perspective changed to see what He sees; who we were always meant to be. We are given the chance of a lifetime, fresh, beautiful, abundant new life. We can now be to be who we were always meant to be, as our eyes are opened we will see. It is then we become who He has always known us to be, His chosen and dearly loved.

The winds will come, the leaves will fall, trees will be laid bare to prepare for the promise of new life. As it is with the trees, so it is with us. For this is our promise. Pruning last but for a moment, but new life lasts a forever.

He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.

Here's a great song to listen to that goes along with this: Inside of Me

©copyright: Julie L. Todd 2008

You Never Walk Alone

      Have you ever been in desperate places when God seemed to be deafeningly silent?  If you haven't at some point you most likely will.  Even though the scriptures say God will never leave me or forsake me, sometimes the circumstances of life have left me feeling as if I am living in a relational ghost town.  How can He be here with me when I cannot hear, feel or see Him?  Does He have Caller ID, sees it's me and refuses to pick up?  Why does it feel like I am so alone if He is with me?  I find answers hidden in the story of the two men walking on the road to Emmaus.  

     Jesus had died 2 days before and on the 3rd day there is talk of the tomb being empty.  Two followers are walking along the road talking about all that has just happened when a "man" comes up and begins to walk with them.  He listens as they talk and then, as if he doesn't know anything, begins to question them. They’re pretty surprised that this stranger doesn’t know what’s just happened, after all the whole city of Jerusalem knows. Didn’t he see the skies go black and feel the earthquake? They try to explain what they have just witnessed.  

   They've just experienced a devastating blow.  They thought the Messiah had come to save them from the Roman rule and now he’s dead.  Not only is He dead, His body has now been reported missing.  They have no idea who is walking with them.  Jesus' presence is hidden from them.  Unbeknownst to them, as they wrestle with their faith, Jesus is walking right beside them.

     They get to their destination and beg the man to stay with them. They sit down to a meal, and the "man" prays.  At once their eyes are opened and they see.  Though they were unaware, Jesus had been with them all along. Their words are priceless.  “Were not our hearts burning within us while He talked with us?”

     LIfe has dished out it's hard knocks.  Sometimes it has taken all that I've had within me to stay present.  When God's voice became silent I discovered something.  Hidden away inside me were questions.  Where was God?  Did He care?  What is this all about?  Have I done something to deserve this?  Has He walked out on me?  The silence of God comes, bringing with it a stillness that shuts down the outside noise, allowing the noise of our doubts and questions to rise up.   

     The hiddenness has a purpose, though I do not like the feel of it.  It’s in the hiddenness that I, like those two men, have to come to the conclusion about what I believe, see and know.

    How often when life isn’t what I thought it would be do I feel like He has left me?  How often do I blame myself for where I am? “If I had just read my Bible more, or prayed more, maybe this wouldn’t have happened?”  It was easy to tell myself that surely I had done something wrong.

    Though He is always with me, there are times He hides His presence from me.  He allows the beliefs hidden down deep to rise up to the surface. It’s in those times that my faith is given a good dose of fertilizer to grow.  As I grapple with what I feel verses what I know, something is transformed in me and I see.  The times of silence do not mean He has left me. They mean that He is hidden in order for me to find what I really believe about Him and what I believe He thinks about me.  He never leaves me or forsakes me.  He is always with me.  His Spirit is in me.  I cannot be detached from Him.

      He walks beside me, though there are times I am oblivious.   Hiddenness has it’s purpose.  When the time is right He will reveal Himself to me once again, my eyes will be opened and then I will see.  He never left me. He was here all along.  

    “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.”  Matthew 28:20

     Papa God, thank you that you are with us. You never leave us or forsake us. Thank you that we can know in those times that we cannot feel you or hear from you, you are still there. You walk on the roads of life with us. Help us remember what is really true. You came, You died, You rose again so that we might live.

©copyright:  2008 Julie L. Todd

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Shades of Beauty in Death

        Shades of orange, yellow and red fill the trees outside my window.   I love living in this mountain town.  Beautiful hues on display around me remind me of a paintbrush and palette in the hands of the Artist.  I can see Him smiling as He brushes the colors of fall onto the canvas of these mountains.  He delights in creating beauty.

      Trees preparing for rest, shut down their food making factories.  Leaves once a vibrant green now turn to shades of brilliant color.  As the green chlorophyll fades away, the hues that have always been there hidden, begin to burst out.  Exquisite beauty is seen as the leaves prepare to die.

     I never thought I would see beauty unfold in my life.  All I could see was the pain and death that surrounded me.  For the wages of sin is death. There had been plenty of sin throughout my life, leaving what felt like insurmountable wages.  How could it be that Christ came to set me free, yet I still felt the shackles of sin and death? No matter how much I performed to please Him I was still left with the questions.  Am I enough?

     Why is it that if I had been crucified with Christ, I still lived.  I remember a friend saying to me, “you are dead in Christ”.  My response was, “yes and I am going to be the best dead person I can be.”  She said, “Julie, there’s something wrong with that statement.”  I was so steeped in performance that I had no idea that I still lived.  He knew I was stuck so He invited me to enter into His death.

     When Papa God invited me into the desert He knew that death awaited me.  I must die so that Christ could live.  As long as I lived my life in my own ability, stuck in the "old man" identity, Christ’s life wasn’t going to be lived through me.  

      We hear alot about independence in this day and age.  We're told it's up to us and what we must do.  We as people need;  sort of.  As long as we can handle it we do.  When we get to a place where we can’t figure it out, it’s then we cry out in need.  We live our lives as competent people who call on their God when life gets unmanageable.  It’s not what He desired. It’s not what Jesus displayed.  Why is it we tend to live independently when Christ lived dependently?  If I live my life on my own isn’t it an indication that somewhere His life is not being lived through me?  We have reduced relationship with God to requirements.  We must earn our keep, to prove our love.  Doesn't that somehow in the midst make life about me and what I can and will do?  If my life with God is based on requirements won't that somehow stifle the relationship?

     God made His Son to need Him.  He made the whole earth to need Him and many of us do, to an extent.  I say I want to live for Him, to know Him.   Do I realize that to know Him, means I die to me, my ability, my strength, my wisdom, and even my perspective of who I think I am.  I am crucified with Christ, yet I no longer live, but Christ now lives in me.  Does my life really reflect that?

      The leaves of fall depict this lesson of life. As they begin to die, the beauty that’s stored inside them emerges.  It was there all along, though unseen.  Nature paints a picture of life.  The colors of Christ in who He made me to be will break forth in stunning beauty as who I used to be dies.  I am a new creation in Christ, the old has gone, the new has come.

       Life no longer has to be about me and what I can do.  It can now be about Him and what He will do.  He came that I might have life, and have it to the full.  As I am emptied, the brilliant, full life of Christ unfolds in me.   It’s quite the paradox, really.  In losing my life I gain it. I become who He made me to be.

     Feeling His beauty spill out of me is unlike anything I have ever experienced.   Every time He lives out of me, I am undone.  He fills me up unlike anything I have ever known.  The beauty of Him in me, takes my breath away.  For it is in this place I have come to see, it's not up to me. I can need.  I can be incapable.  I no longer need to perform or strive.  He has come to set me free.  The paradox of God is; as I lose my life I gain His. I am free to be me, knowing it's not up to me.  It is His life lived in me. That my friends, is life to the full.  

        I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  John 10:10

      What about you?  How dead are you? Does His life lived out in you take your breath away?  

    For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. II Corinthians 4:11  

 

   Jewelz

©copyright:  2008  Julie L. Todd

     

The Applause of God

    How do I adequately share the feelings towards my children as I watch them step into a calling? There are really no adequate words to explain the emotions.  There’s this place in my heart of sheer delight as I watch them rise up into who they are.  It all started several years ago when my firstborn did her first worship dance.  I couldn't hold back the tears as I watched her step onto that stage.  

     It's happened with each child.  Whether stepping into a role in a play, raising their hands in worship, boarding an airplane to go on overseas missions trips, or watching them play in the youth worship band, I delight in watching my children be who they are.  I take great pleasure in seeing them bask in the giftings of God on their lives.

     I don’t want to miss one event.  I don’t want to miss one moment watching them step into who they are.  My eye is always on them. In fact I can’t take my eyes off of them.  

     I've come to understand something I've never known before.  As I step into the desires of my heart, living out the gifts inside me, my Papa God can't take His eyes off of me.  He stands up, applauding me, cheering me on.  I can hear Him say, "that's my girl". Why has it taken me so long to see that?

  

     Why have I looked to others for approval or disapproval so easily?   He’s the proud Papa who is watching me at all times.  His eyes are captivated with what I am doing, yet I haven't seen Him there watching, nodding, cheering, affirming.  

      I have spent too many years looking for the acknowledgment of man.  I wanted to be known by what I could do.  It was easy for me to talk of the Bible studies I had led or taught.  It gave me some type of value when people noticed my abilities.   I looked for affirmation from man because I could not see the applause of God.

     What must it do to His heart to watch me struggle to embrace who He made me to be?  Why is it that when I desire something and He gives it to me, I back away from it, thinking it couldn’t possibly be true?  For example, I struggle to call myself a writer.  There’s something about the title that throws me. Why haven’t I seen that it was He who placed those desires within me.   I love writing because He put that love in me.

     His invitation into the desert has opened up so many areas that have been distorted to me.  I can now see more clearly what is really true.  He delights in me.  In the intimacy of the desert experience, He has uncovered misconceptions about me that I have carried for so long.  His truth breathes life into those places.  Man’s approval and affirmations, though nice, will never fill me up.  Neither should man’s disapproval take from me.   I was made with a cavern in my soul that was made by Him, for Him.  He is the depths that reaches into my depths.  HE is my affirmation.

      As I step up to offer what's inside me I acknowledge the breath of God flowing through me.  I am a writer who writes because He breathes the words into me. It's not about me.  It's about Him in me.  My Papa God, with eyes glued to me, stands up to applaud as I step into who He made me to be.  I have captivated His heart.  I can be me.  I have the approval of the one who matters.  I am His daughter, the one He made for Himself.  He has poured His heart into me, for I am loved.

     What about you?  Do you see Him applauding YOU?

     Fifty one years ago today my first breath of life was breathed into me.   Today I celebrate my birth.  For the first time in my life I feel free to celebrate who I am.  I love who He has made me to be.  Thank you Papa God for the revealing your heart towards me.  Thank you for breathing the breath of life in me.  Thank you for delighting in me.  You are my life.

©copyright:  2008 Julie L. Todd

His Grace Covers Me

     The emotions are lying under the surface.  I feel them.  I know they are making their way up to exposure.  It's been an enduring week.  Things are swirling around in the atmosphere of our lives here.  My husband's had some meetings this week with people in our church body.  I've had conversations with hurting people.  My dad was diagnosed yesterday with an incurable lung disease. 

     People I care about are struggling in deep places in their lives.  I feel the weight of the enduring days on this earth, in my own life and in the lives of those around me.   Things are not what they were meant to be.  We have come so far from the Garden of Eden and the perfect life that He envisioned for us.  This is not what He wanted it to be.  None of these things were in His original picture.  Yet it's where life has taken us.

     I ache for those who are hurting.  I know He aches too.  He is allowing me to feel a little more of His heart today.  It is the fellowship of His suffering that Philippians 3:10 talks of.  I can't fix any of the things I've seen this week.  I hurt with those who are hurting.  How He must ache for those who are wrestling with this world.  Even still I know, with His grace, He covers it all.  

     

     Graham Cooke once spoke these words;  "There are no longer good days and bad days.  There are only days of grace.  Some days you are given the grace to enjoy what is going on and other days you are given the grace to endure."

      I look around and see enduring days in the lives of people around me.  I see it many days in my own life. Marriages are falling apart, teenagers are hurting, sickness invades homes, financial strain is upon many. Some days it takes all there is within me to hang on and walk in hope.   

     I remember when my children were young.   I would go to tuck them into their beds before retiring to my own. Often their covers had been thrown off exposing their bodies to the chill of the night.  They were oblivious to the fact. With comfort and care, I would spread their blankets back over them. Tucking them into the warmth, tenderly kissing their little cheeks, I would whisper into their ears, "I love you."  They lay there unconscious to my presence. Though they were unaware, still I was there.

     As I feel and see the uncertainties of life surrounding me and the people I love, I think of His grace that blankets us all. He envelops us as we wrestle with the thorns and thickets of this life. He comes even when we are unaware and gathers us in under His grace.  He tenderly kisses our cheeks and whispers, "I love you". He will never leave us or forsake us.  He is ever present. With His grace He covers you, me, everything.

     We don't know the prognosis of my dad's illness at this moment. I feel Papa God's arms enfolding me as I wait.  HE is my comfort.  He blankets me with His presence and tucks me away in Him.  He IS the God of all comfort.  No longer are there good days or bad days.  There are only days of grace and grace covers everything.

     What about you?  What days of grace are you seeing; enduring days or enjoying days?  Can you see His grace surrounding you?  Even when you are unaware, He's still there tucking you into Him. Feel the warmth as He surrounds you with Himself.  Know that He leans in close, kisses your cheek and tells you once more of how deeply you are loved. 

    "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  II Corinthians 12:9

Jewelz

©copyrighted:  2008 Julie L. Todd

Still, In His Embrace

     Where do the years go and why do they have to fly by so quickly?  We encourage our children to take their first steps and before you know it they are running so quickly through life that we want to slow them down.  

    

     The toddler years brought the battle of restraint.  Finding their footing made each child eager to get down and run, independent and free.  But there were times when it wasn’t safe.  Holding my arms tight, my children often squirmed trying to break free of my hold.  A battle ensued testing the strength of my arms. 

      It was out of protection that I held them back.  It wasn’t safe to run, or even walk.  They had to be held and carried.  After minutes of struggling against my hold, they would finally settle down and nestle into my chest, often falling asleep.

     I had an active little boy.  He loved being independent and on the run.  I loved the moments when I held him close.  Those were precious times with memories that I still hold dear.  Now sixteen years old, I occasionally have to fight for hugs.  Those years of holding my son in my arms,  are still my favorite.

      Once again a picture spills into my mind revealing more intimately this place of stillness with God.  Aren’t many of us like my boy?  Could it be that we enjoy life more when we are busy for Him, running free and independent, while He savors the moments of holding us close?  

    

      I believe He loves it when I linger in His arms, depending on Him to carry me where I need to go.  Why do I fight to break free and run.  Why do I fight against His restraint?  He pulls me close to cuddle me and tell me how deeply I am loved.   Yet, I wrestle to be busy and independent.   The thing is, He didn’t create me to be independent of Him.  I was made to be carried by Him.

     For years I didn’t like stillness.  I found it difficult to sit through a meal without moving some body part around.  Energy coursed through me as a young child.  I wanted to be moving all the time.  To this day my husband still laughs when my foot starts to swing.   

     When God called me into stillness, at first I struggled against it wanting to be free to run.  Tenderly he clasped His arms around me and held me tight.  “Not yet, dear Jewel, it’s not safe.”  “Stay with me a while.”  “I have some things I want to tell you.”  “Rest dear one, rest.”  “I’ve got you.”  “When it’s time I will set you free to run, but for now I need you here with me.” Eventually I settled down and nestled into Him.  

      It’s in the stillness as I cease from my efforts, that I truly hear His heartbeat.  It’s there I become acquainted with the tenderness of His true nature.  I am His beloved, the one who rests securely in His arms.

     

     As the months and years have plodded by I have come to appreciate this place called stillness.  His Spirit washes over me, as His words calm me. I discover in this place that He is becoming a verb in my life.  No longer is the action up to me.  He is the action in me.  He invites me to rest in His work through me, allowing me to see things from His bird’s eye view.

     There’s nothing like being in the rest of God’s embrace.  It enfolds, soothes and nurtures you all at the same time.  It’s in this tender place that I find Him as the one who delights in holding me close.  As I’ve settled down in His hold I’ve come to see more of His heart.

     Though I have loved watching my children grow and change, my favorite memories are the times I held them close.  The gentle kisses, the sweet whispers of love were precious times.  I tend to think God feels the same way about me.  I think His favorite times with me are those endearing times that He gets to hold me close and whisper in my ear how desperately, deeply and intimately I am loved. 

      He is so safe, loving, personal and deep.  I think I’ll linger here in this stillness for a while.  For one day, I believe, He will set me back down on my feet to run.

    How do you feel when there is stillness in your life?  Do you see it as a time of hearing His heartbeat or do you try to fight your way down to run?

     "Let the beloved of the LORD rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the LORD loves rests between his shoulders."   Deut. 33:12

©copyright: 2008 Julie L. Todd

     

Rebel With A Cause

   I don’t read my Bible every day.  I never thought I would broadcast this news.  Admitting this after years of being drilled with the importance of daily reading, makes me sound and sometimes feel like a rebel.   Early on I had been told that if I loved God I would read His Word daily to prove it.  

     It wasn’t that long ago that I realized I was trying to earn His love.  I didn’t believe that in and of myself I was enough.   I performed, and strived hoping that somehow it would make me enough.  The problem with this theology is that life became about Me.  It was all about what I could and would do.

      It’s not His way.  He wanted me to know the true way.  He wanted me to know I was loved for who I was, not for what I could do.  Quiet times didn’t prove my love for Him, like I’d been told.  What He longed for was my response to His pursuit.   I didn’t know Him as the pursuer of my heart.  I thought it was up to me.  He wanted me to know that it was He who pursued me.  

       It all began with Him alluring me into the desert to speak tenderly to me.  In the desert His Word became the streams that watered my soul.  It was no longer about a daily reading.  A question of desperation would lead me to search through the scriptures to know His heart for me in the moment.  During that time I dissected His Word to discover truth.  I loved treasure hunting in His Word.  In moments of the barren desert, I was desperate for Him.  He not only revealed Himself to me, He stored up treasures of truth in my heart for the season to come.  

     The next season He began to take the demands of reading the Word off of me.  At first I struggled to remain there.  I felt so out of balance and guilty.   The feelings of guilt indicates that my reading had been more requirement than relationship.  Were I living out of the response of the relationship there would be no guilt.  After all guilt is not in His vocabulary.  That was what He was coming for, the lies that brought the guilt.  He wanted me to know that I could just “be” with Him, without “doing” a thing.  

     Many days I spent confessing to Him my guilt for not reading until He whispered to my heart.  “Jewel, it’s OK that you are not doing anything.  I don’t want you to have to do anything for love.  I want you to rest here with me.  Just be you, Jewel.  Just respond to me the way your heart tells you to.  Forget the assignments, forget the requirements, just be here with me.”

     Could it be that simple?  Could I let it all go and respond to His pursuit of my heart as I felt led?  Were there really no requirements?  Somehow in the midst, the guilt dissipated and I began to relax.  He knew my heart.  He knew I wanted Him more than life itself.  He knew I loved His Word.  He wanted me to respond to His invitation without a set “to do” list?

     The Word of God is vital to my life.  Both the written Word and the spoken Word.   His spoken Word erupted into my world during this time and I was undone.  I wondered how long had He been waiting to speak to me.  I had never  heard such words of love and affirmation.  All this time He had been waiting for my ear.

        Each and every day He woos my heart to “be” with Him so that He can love on me.  Sometimes it is with the written Word and sometimes it is with the spoken Word.  He amazes me with His presence as He delights in pursuing me with His relentless love.  

     An amazing transition has taken place.   I am breaking free from the rules to live in the freedom of responding to His pursuit.   Everything is by His initiation.  He invites me to come to Him so that He can love on me.  Guilt has fallen off of me.  I am free.  Maybe I am a rebel after all, a rebel with a cause, to know how deeply and intimately I am loved by the pursuer of my heart because I am made for love.

        The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying:  "I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.  Jeremiah 31:3

JEWELZ

©copyrighted 2008 by Julie L. Todd