Jewelz Sightings

To My New Subscribers

2011-08-13T14:34:00.004-04:00

Hello to the my new subscribers, first let me thank you for coming here and joining me. I am grateful to have you along on my journey. Second, I wanted to let you know that I recently felt led to start afresh on a new blog. I spend most of my time there writing these days. I hope you will join me as my journey continues on at: "My Long And Winding Road"

If you'd like to subscribe at the new blog you can find the link on the home page,(right hand side) where you will enter your email address. Once you enter your email address you will find a confirmation email sent to your inbox. Click on the link provided in that email to confirm you subscription and you will be all set. Every time I put up a new post you will receive an email with the post in it.

Thank you again for being here.

Here's a taste of my most recent post at the new blog:

Tempered By Love ©

The personality profile test the church used was supposed to help me understand myself. Everyone seemed to buy into it. I was told it was helpful in knowing how to work in relationships in ministry together. I bought into it too. I wanted to know who I was. I wanted to understand the lingo everyone was using. Little did I know that it would end up being something used to shut me down.

I attended the seminars where the pastor presented the information. I received my label. “D”, Direct, Decisive, High Ego Strength, Problem Solver, Risk Taker, Self Starter. As he described the weaknesses of my new-found diagnosis I felt the shame wash over me. Really, is this who I am? It didn’t look good for a southern woman in the church. I didn’t want to be her. I wanted to be someone else. I didn’t want to anyone to know.

I will never forget the Sunday I was asked by one woman in particular about my profile. As I spoke I heard the groan escape her lips, confirming what I had come to believe. No one wants to have a personality like mine.

*You can finish this post here:

"Dead Man's Float"

2011-08-01T13:22:00.002-04:00

I am loving my new blog at Wordpress. If you want to check out my latest post, here's an exerpt:

Sometimes it feels like the blind leading the blind here. This is the first time we’ve embarked on territory like this. Brennan Manning said it well. “The reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious and secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future.”

That pretty much sums up the road we find ourselves on. In 11 days it will be 5 months since David lost his job. It was not something we chose, it was what we were given. Once we got over the initial shock we began to ask God, “what now”.. We agreed that it was time to do something different. It was time to not allow the bills to dictate the job. It was time to walk a more narrow path than we’ve known, stepping out into the unknown, trusting God with the results.

There is no rational explanation to justify the decision we’ve made, nor is there a guarantee of our future. We walk by faith, not by sight, for honestly there’s not much to see right now. Applications and resumes are out there. No one’s biting. Crickets are chirping getting louder with every day that passes, yet we wait, we choose trust. What else is there after all?

If I were being honest I would have to say that it would be easier to handle things the way we were accustomed to using a lot of striving and self effort. It feels much harder walking by faith, trusting the Spirit inside to guide us into what needs to be done, believing we are hearing well, and following rightly.

To continue reading, click here

Changes, a new home....

2011-07-13T16:10:00.003-04:00

Dear friends,

After much prayer and consideration I've decided to start afresh in a new blog home. I've posted my first post in my new home. I'd love for you to join me there. If you are a subscriber to my blog, look for an email from me in your inbox. The new blog address is: My Long and Winding Road:

Some of you have been with me for a long time here. If you would like to continue to follow me and my writing you will find a link where you can subscribe. You will receive emails every time I put up a new post. It is on the right hand side of the new blog. Once you put in your email address you will receive a confirmation email. You will need to respond by clicking on the confirmation link to validate your subscription. If you do not confirm, you will not be subscribed.

I have not activated the blog on Facebook yet. I'm still praying about that one. So if you are a Facebook fan I'd encourage you to sign up under the email subscription until I determine what to do about Facebook.

Thank you all for being with me here. It has been a gift to my heart. Here is an exerpt from my first post in my new home...

The Doors Are Open, please come in....

I was counting it out today. I’ve moved 7 times since I married 28 years ago. Every single time there was something better that waited. We always knew when it was time to pack it all up and leave. Things closed down around us as a stirring made it’s way in, inviting us to leave the familiar to experience something new. Whether a new town, fenced yard or more living space it was always worth pulling up the stakes.

The hardest relocation for us all was moving to a new town. Everything familiar we had known was left behind. Not only did we leave a house full of wonderful memories, we left relationships with good friends. What would happen to the bonds we had formed? It’s always in the back of your mind when you step out into fresh territory. Will the connections stay through life’s horizons? To continue reading, click..... The doors Are Open, please come in....

I hope to see you there. I've loved having you here!

Thank you!

Stuck

2011-07-03T18:45:00.008-04:00

I've been stuck lately.

I feel the words inside my mind. I want to write, I need to write, yet I am stuck. My brain is constipated with words jammed inside unable to move or be moved. The question plagues my mind; what do I write about?

I've been in a wilderness of sorts these last 4 years. Sequestered by God, I've been given time alone unlike any other time in my life. I've wrestled until I nestled. I've found my way into discoveries about who I am and who God is. I feel the piles of words stacked up in my brain yet I feel like a deer immobilized by head lights.

It reminds me of our backyard at a house we once rented. The owners had moved of town, therefore the yard had not been tended well. One glance out the back door would send my husband's mind to a place of overwhelm. Accumulation of overgrowth was everywhere. Where does one begin? It was enough to send him away from the piles to some quiet place of retreat.

It's what happens to me these days when I draw away to write.

Having been a self-effort performer who is learning to live in dependence sometimes it gets tricky stepping out. You tend to second guess your every move. Is this me or is this God? Sometimes the fear of stepping out on my own efforts restrains me from making a step at all.

Little did I know 4 years ago when I started this little blog that I would be blessed with so many dear people who have come to follow along. Beautiful responses from dear hearts encourage me that words written are touching a place in them, sometimes awakening them to things they'd never considered. I feel the weight of this sacred place of my heart written down. What if I step out and do this thing on my own? What if I let people down? Do people really want to hear about my day in and day out struggles? What if I don't have anything profound to say?

Something has gotten distorted in the union of this gift of writing that I love. I find my mind lodged, unable to move forward, yet longing for the exhilaration of words written down. I need to be rescued from this dark, cold shaft.

Years ago there was a little girl named Jessica McClure who became entrapped in an abandoned well shaft. She was playing in the yard of her day care center when suddenly her little 18 month old body fell and became lodged. It took rescue workers 58 hours to pull her out of that shaft. I remember sitting by the television watching as they brought her up to her release. Tears of celebration of a life saved filled the faces of those who had been diligently working to set her free.

It is for freedom that Christ has set me free. I don't want to be stuck anymore.

So dear friends who have blessed me with your presence, I am asking God to free me from the shaft that has held me captive. I am asking Him to set me free to write whenever and whatever crosses my heart knowing that I cannot leave Him behind, for He lives in me. I leave the weight of responsibility of all this on His shoulders. May He bless you with His heart in me as my life is lived before you.

I am considering starting afresh with a new blog. I'm not sure yet what God is saying about all that, but I am asking. If He says yes, I will let you all know where to find me.

I would be grateful for your prayers.

With gratitude....

Julie

What's Love Got to Do With It? ©

2011-06-10T14:33:00.011-04:00

The year was 2005. I'd been asking God to awaken me to my true identity. I wanted so desperately to know who He saw me to be. I knew the things I believed about myself. I truly hoped that He didn't see me that way too. I frequently asked Him for pictures that would reveal His heart to me. On this particular day I asked again. Suddenly a vision flashed into my mind.

I saw a woman dressed in a beautiful free flowing skirt. She was in the parking lot outside the church we were attending. I couldn't see her face. I didn't know who she was. With arms raised she twirled around in dance. There was freedom and beauty in the way she moved. She didn't care who saw her. She only cared about the One who watched. As the vision left I began to ask God what it all meant. Who is that? "It's you!" What is that? "It's the dance of freedom." How do I get there, God? "I will take you there." "It is for freedom that I came."

I remember a piece of furniture my mother restored. Layers of paint hid it's raw beauty. It wasn't a quick or easy process. One coat of paint was stripped away at a time. I remember the steel wool, the sharp tools, the strong smelling solvent. Underneath the years of history the beautiful, original wood found it's way out. Sandpaper was used to smooth off any remaining rough edges. Afterwards stain was rubbed in bringing the piece to life. The grand finale was the top coat applied protecting the work that had just been completed.

I am like that piece of furniture.

For God so loved me He sent Jesus to restore me back to my true identity. Layers of lies brought on by my own sins and the sins done against me are being stripped away. Their coatings of shame cover me no more. Religious mandates are falling by the wayside, no longer holding me captive. He is peeling away the layers allowing me to receive what's been there all along. Love... just love.

The finished work of Christ now sets me free. The beauty of the original is making it's way out. I am free to live as one who is loved because I am.

No longer is there need to dance the exhausting dance to be acceptable. I no longer have to strive to be holy. I can believe that I am. He will never use the words, "after all I've done for you, what will you do for Me?" The lists are over, the plates can stop spinning. It's not about getting everything right or being enough. It is no longer imperative that I keep watch on my behavior for it does not prove my godliness. I now see His arm wrapped around me as we look at my sin together. It's not about the sin. It's about living in who I am.

He's known me for a lifetime. All that was has been removed. He sees me free from the layers, dancing in liberation. He invites me to see that too. Embracing love freely given brings me to an abandon unlike I've ever known. I am free to be just as I am knowing He will show me who He knows me to be. To the extent I trust I am loved, I will be loved.

The vision makes sense to me these days. It's breathtaking. I find myself dancing in the beautiful freedom of the free flowing life of Christ in me.

What's love got to do with it? Everything.

©copyrighted 2011: Julie L. Todd

On the Mat Again©

2011-04-22T15:07:00.006-04:00

A memory floods my mind today. It was June 2002. It had never happened to me before, nor has it happened to me since. I was awakened from a deep sleep with a sharp pain in my hip. I didn't think much about it. It wasn't enough to disturb my return to a solid sleep. I don't know how much time passed. Suddenly I was re-awakened with the same sharp pain. This time my mind was flooded with a story I'd heard dozens of times. Jacob wrestled with God until God dislocated Jacob's hip overcoming him.

There must be some meaning to it all, I remember thinking. After all I'm not one to wake in the middle of the night with a Bible story on my mind. I put it aside to contemplate the next day. I visited the story in the pages of Genesis and discovered something.

I wrestle with God, frequently.

Sometimes life takes over. Things look much different then I expected them to. Longings I thought would be fulfilled aren't. Doors I believed would open slam shut. Some days life feels more like a constant battlefield than a valley of life. Lost jobs, family struggles, uncertainties, dead-end relationships find their way into my everyday life. The question lurks in the corridors of my mind. Do I really believe God is good?

I find myself there frequently these days. It doesn't take much with all that's going on in my world. Walking out into my garden to assess the growth of the seeds I had planted exposed the battle this time. What could be so wrong in having the garden I desired?

I was so excited to start a spring garden. It was my first time growing things like lettuce, carrots, beets, and spinach. With each seed I planted I prayed for God's bountiful blessing. Why is it now a month later I'm looking at empty soil? Was it too much to ask?

My faith is being challenged in mammoth proportions these days. What will I believe? Does God really have something good on the other side of this job loss? It's hard to reconcile it all when little things like prayed over gardens don't grow.

I find myself back on that mat with God. What does it mean that you long to give us the desires of our heart? Can you explain what you meant when you said that you love to give your children good gifts? Can I have any desires fulfilled? What's real here? What's true? When I don't understand these "unexplainable" things , can I really call good what God calls good?

It's a life or death question for me at a time like this.

I wrestled. I cried. I exposed the rants of my heart.... disappointment, fears and pain made their way up and out. The job David just lost had brought us to this little town. We had such high hopes for deep community and friendship here. Sadly, It didn't happen. I had continued to believe that somehow good was going on behind the scenes... But now, this.. Do I have to give up having a garden too? Lurking behind it all was the age old culprit with the age old question. I am afraid. Can I really trust the heart of God? Will I call good what He calls good even when it does not feel good?

There is no other question to be answered by my soul. Would I allow the things happening around me to tell me the story of God's heart, His love, His care?

He wrestled with me until my mind could grasp my reality.

As much as I long for these desires to be fulfilled they can never prove His goodness to me. It is proven in His character, His life. He is unpredictable in what He does, yet consistent in who He is. I will never be able to put my trust in what I see Him doing. My only salvation is to trust in who He is. In that moment, the power of the Spirit overcame the power of my flesh. In that vital moment a choice was made as a cry erupted from within the walls of my heart.

"I will call good what He calls good, so help me God."

Though the fig tree should not blossom And there be no fruit on the vines, Though the yield of the olive should fail And the fields produce no food, Though the flock should be cut off from the fold. And there be no cattle in the stalls, Yet I will exult in the LORD, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord GOD is my strength, And He has made my feet like hinds' feet, And makes me walk on my high places. Habakkuk 3:17-19

©copyrighted: 2011; Julie L. Todd

The Lessons of a Tricycle©

2011-03-27T16:28:00.001-04:00

It was my very first tricycle. Christmas Day brought it to me. I couldn't wait to get on it and ride; so I did, all throughout the house. I've been told that I was unstoppable. I was determined to ride it no matter what obstacles lay in my path. I would start out, hit a piece of furniture, back up, turn around and push forward. It was a clear revealer of the spirit inside the young child.

I've been known to set my face like a flint when going after the things I wanted. In my quest toward the goal, giving up was not an option. The words of my mother to this day still ring in my ears, "If you get your will going in the right direction, everything will be all right." I didn't really know what it meant then. I am beginning to now.

I remember early on in my years of parenting being given the advice, "you have to break the will of the child." I look back now and see the absurdity of those words. You cannot break the will of a child, it has to be given up. It cannot be forced. It must be chosen.

Life often feels as if it asks more than it gives. Difficult days find their way into our lives. Aren't I supposed to set my face like a flint to keep walking? Aren't I supposed to persevere? Yes, but somehow, somewhere in the mix of it all something can get so cunningly twisted. It's a subtle thing you know. I had been told to hang tough, keep at it, fight the good fight. Life often requires that to some degree. But what about God?

How does all this balance out? Christ is the hope within me. He is the lifeline extended to me every single day. Where do my self-willed efforts hinder His?

It's so easy to find myself much like that young girl on her tricycle. Push forward, hit the obstacles, turn around, and keep going. I find myself now questioning where does that leave me to look for the strength of the One who is my strength? Whose strength does that leave me enduring in, really? Where is it me instead of Him?

In some hidden, subtle way it's easy to find myself living in the old way of the self-willed life.

Barriers fill our road these days making it difficult to maneuver around. My husband just lost his job. There is no income coming regularly into our home. We have no clue what to do next. What now God? Will we choose to endure for the sake of endurance, setting our faces like a flint or will we cling to the One who endured it all needing His perseverance to come in us? There's a subtle difference there. One requires my efforts and disciplines. The other requires His.

Life often comes around full circle for me. Need suddenly opens the door for humility extending an invitation that readies my heart to receive. I cannot, nor do I want to do this life alone. It's starting to make some sense to me now. I'm understanding more and more the words my mother once spoke.

Life's obstacles are awakening a place within me, allowing my will to be placed in the right direction. I'm learning to receive what Christ waits to give to me; all that He accomplished for me when He walked out of that grave. He, is my perseverance. It's not up to me. He perseveres in me, through me, into life around me. He is my hope, my endurance, my strength, the one who keeps me hanging on.

I see Him there. He rides on the heavens to help us and underneath are His everlasting arms. He invites me to fall into them allowing their strength to move me forward. I need Him, oh how I need Him. I am convinced it's the invitation He's been waiting for.

©copyrighted: 2011; Julie L. Todd

Living in the Unseen©

2011-03-18T15:23:00.012-04:00

Who hasn't heard the saying, "when a door closes a window opens?" It's one of those infamous cliches that one uses to comfort when things go wrong. But what does one do when the door’s been slammed and the window has yet to open?

We are there.

Last Thursday my husband was laid off from his job of almost 6 years. We knew the possibility existed, we just didn't think it would be us......

Being a one-income family has caused this abrupt end to rattle us. Honestly we don't have a clue what we’ll do next. Some days we’re still in the shock stage. These are the times that try a man's soul.

Our emotions have been all over the place. The questions rise up from some place deep. Is God really good? Will He really take care of us? Do I really trust God with me, with us, with what all this will look like?

The words have been spoken repetitively. "God's got something better."

I want to believe it, I really do. But I contemplate how there could be something better than what we had? As I type the words I see how easily my focus goes to what I can see working out. I can easily equate the goodness of God with the goodness of my circumstances.

I've been around the block enough to know that the "God has something better" might not mean the most pleasant of circumstances. Can I really trust God with this unknown territory? It doesn't help that years ago we lived through the season of the jobs. Though much good came out of that time it's hard not to remember that long hard winter and wonder.

At times the battle is fierce. There are moments when the uncertainty of it all shakes me at my core. The enemy whispers his taunts hoping to discourage me. "How can this possibly work out?" "Look around you." "How in the world will you guys make it?" His voice resounds in this seen world around me. Yet Jesus' voice trumps his when I choose to trust Him with what I cannot see.

I find myself remembering the words in Hebrews, "more blessed are those who have not seen, yet believe." They take on new meaning at a time like this. If I look at what I can see there is not much hope here. I live in a small, rural, mountain town where jobs are few and far between. But isn't it in the unseen world that the unexplainables happen?

I have a favorite clip in the movie, "The Last of the Mohicans". A group of British soldiers are escorting 2 women through Indian territory to their father. Suddenly their guide turns on them in ambush. Those in the midst of the ambush have no idea of 3 Mohicans who are on the run to rescue them. Suddenly out of nowhere, they appear. The ambush is thwarted and the remaining party is saved.

The story line makes me think of life behind the scenes in my world. Father, Son and Holy Spirit are always on the move. It's not dependent on what I can see happening. It's dependent on their faithfulness to move heaven and earth to come for me, simply because I need.

I want to trust in the way of a child. They don't question whether they’ll have food or shelter. They don't wonder if they will be cared for, protected or even rescued. They rest in the care of their parents because they know their place in the family.

I want to be there, all the time, with the One who Fathers me. I want to rest in knowing my place in the heart of Love. It’s the battle my mind now faces. These inner struggles are part of the “greater things” that He does.

Darkness meets light as fears that lay hidden make their way out in the open. In their moments I am invited to wrestle with God until I believe what is already true for me. It is then He can overcome me much as He did Jacob, allowing me to find that which has always been true. I belong to One who loves me to the point of death. Nothing stood in the way of His rescue then. Nothing stands in His way now.

Selah

“Those who are historically experiencing the greatest measure of the Holy Spirit’s power are those who doggedly choose to give up control over how their life must look and instead call good whatever God has allowed, caused, withheld, delayed or denied.”

John Lynch - 2011

©copyrighted: 2011; Julie L. Todd

Another One Bites The Dust ©

2011-03-03T16:48:00.010-05:00

The more I walk through this journey the more I am stunned at how much wrong I have believed. The God I have known is not the God I now know. So many things were distorted through the years. I don't blame the people who taught me. I see it for what it is. The thief comes to steal, kill and destroy. I have been realizing just how deceived I have been. Good news is God is exposing them all. One more bit the dust this week.

When I heard my friend John say the words I knew someplace deep that something had been powerfully distorted in my mind. "Faith is never the grounds for salvation, never a meritorious work in your behavior." "Your believing, while an essential response, proves only that His grace was extended to you."

"It is by grace you have been saved, yet it is not of yourselves; it is the gift of God."

For years I believed that I had invited God into my life. I had prayed the prayer asking Him to come in. We sang the song, "Into my heart, into my heart, come into my heart, Lord Jesus." I literally believed that somehow Jesus entered my heart because of my choosing of Him. I didn't realize that I had it backwards. He didn't enter into me. I entered into Him.

I didn't choose Him. He chose me. It was His grace that was shown to me inviting me to receive His eternal gift. It's not just the gift of heaven. It's not even about forgiveness of my sins.

The invitation of God woos me to respond to a love that has been and always will be. It's a love that offers me to come as I am and be known for who I was made to be. It restores all that was broken, reconciling me to Him completely.

Somehow things got all mixed up.

I've used the term too many times to count.. "I need to get that from my head into my heart." As I type the words I see the disparity in them. If I truly embrace the gift of this God I love why do I struggle between two worlds of head and heart?

God gives His gifts for free. He expects nothing in return. He's just plain crazy about me. After all He made me to love.

As I have seen my justification, so I have seen my sanctification. The same way I believed I had my part in being made right with God, I have believed I have my role in being transformed. I've spent the better part of my life running around trying to make myself worthy, acceptable, lovable. All the while all He wanted for me was that I would receive the gift so freely given.

If Jesus paid it all then how can I owe Him anything? What could I ever do that would be enough? In some strange, warped way I believed that I owed Him my life.

I believed I played my part in salvation therefore I must play my part in cleaning myself up. I see how subtlety the lies wove their way into the fabric of my walk. I see how naturally I became the one who would work hard to make who she was better.

It is by grace I have been saved. It is a gift from God so that no man can boast. Without receiving I will do nothing but strive and try to prove myself worthy. I will need to "one-up" others around me. I will have to do more and be better.

In that one moment when I took His outstretched hand offered He joined me to Him. He called me righteous. He announced I was holy. He wiped out all my sins, past, present and future. Everything that had been broken was made new. I was totally and completely reconciled to God on no part of my own. It's astounding to consider.

Awakenings come frequently now. This beautiful thing that I have walked into is absolutely and totally His. Transformation is taking ahold of my life.

It is by grace I am saved. It is by grace I am changed... Grace - charis, a gift which is freely given. The extravagant love of my God not only has reconciled me to Him. He wants nothing from me but that I would let Him love me. Another lie bites the dust as this beautiful Spirit inside reveals the truth that sets me free. Freely He gives, freely I receive.

©copyrighted: 2011; Julie L. Todd

Fanning The Flames Anew ©

2011-02-18T14:51:00.008-05:00

My tears led the way to my chat with Jesus. It all started with my friend’s words. Her blogpost spoke of how after a long, hard season, she was beginning to dream again. I saw myself woven into the details of her story.

It’s been a year of endurance not only for myself but for my family too. Early in 2010 my 3rd born experienced his first real break up. The next day he broke his hand requiring surgery. Eight weeks later, he was released from the doctor. Soon after his release, his hand was broken again in the same spot while playing a game at camp. He started the healing process all over again.

My 2nd born excitedly announced the expectancy of our first grandchild. Twelve weeks later when she went in to hear the baby’s heartbeat she was told her little one had died.

Around the same time, my 1st born announced her engagement. Two months later the traumatic phone call came. Her engagement had been broken off. She needed her father to come and drive her home. She walked in the door broken and confused.

Since the beginning of 2010 God has been plowing up the fallow ground of my husband’s heart awakening us both to broken places hidden away inside. It’s been needful yet very, very messy.

A friendship I had had great hopes for took a turn in a direction I didn’t expect, taking pieces of my heart with it.

As I sat with my journal open I allowed the pain that lay hidden behind the emotions to spill out. "What's the point of desiring, I just end up getting hurt." "I'm better off not longing for anything, at least that way I won't have to deal with the pain of hope deferred."

Why is it that life seems so daunting sometimes? I was taken back to the pastor's words spoken to me in 2004. Instantly God had given him a vision of me. He saw a horse itching at the gate wanting to get out. "You see yourself as a sprinter, get in, get the job done," he said. "But God wants you to know that you've been built for endurance." "In the days that are troubled, ask yourself... how do I have hope today?"

I hadn't done that. I'd set my face like a flint to keep enduring but I’d forgotten to look for hope. As I sat with the tears pouring down my cheeks I realized I’d lost the ability to dream. I’d lost trust in His delight to give me the desires of my heart. All I could see were the hardships that must be endured. I forgot to look for hope.

It was my husband's prayer for me that day that stirred the longings up to the surface. "Surprise her today, God."

I packed up my things and drove to Starbucks. It was after all my writing day. I couldn't understand why I was going. I hadn't written one word in weeks, words have been stuck inside me. I hoped that as I moved forward God would do something to re-ignite the embers of my heart.

While I was gone a package came. I wasn’t expecting anything.

Inside the box was a letter.... “You are our ipad winner of the day.” I had entered one giveaway after another longing to give one to my husband. David is always thinking of his family, never buying anything for himself. I knew if he could buy himself anything it would be an ipad. I knew I probably would never have the money to buy one yet I longed to give him this gift. I don’t know if the neighbors heard my squealing.

Wait! How did this happen? They said the winners would get an e-mail that they would need to respond to in 72 hours in order to receive their prize. I hadn’t gotten an e-mail. I hadn’t responded. How did they get my mailing address? I didn’t give it to them. What about the winner’s list where all the winners are listed? My name wasn’t on there. Why wasn’t my name on there? It didn’t make sense. How could I be their winner of the day?

It was in that moment that I saw the twinkle in His eyes.

God gave me a desire of my heart. He took the bellows of my fragile faith and fanned it anew as I watched a desire satisfied before my eyes.

Last Friday I saw once again that a longing fulfilled really is a tree of life.

©copyrighted: 2011; Julie L. Todd

How He Loves Revisited ©

2011-02-14T22:20:00.003-05:00

* Note: I am revisiting a post I wrote in Feb. 2008. Hope you enjoy...

What is it about love stories? Scenes from movies I love become etched in my brain: Aragorn’s captivation with Arwen in “Lord of the Rings”; Nathaniel’s pursuit to rescue Cora in “The Last of the Mohicans”; William Wallace’s passion for Murron in “Braveheart”; or Colonel Brandon’s patient love that waited for Marianne in “Sense & Sensibility”. There’s something about these scenes that speak to the deepest places of my heart. I was after all created for love.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful love story. I was seen, delighted in and loved, yet I didn't really know. A villain had previously entered my story, disguised his voice and told me lies about who I was. He told me that I was not loved or wanted. He whispered to me, “You are lacking”; “You are too much, and not enough all at the same time"; “You are a problem who causes problems.” And I believed him.

Hidden in the shadows was another who was watching, calling out to me. Even when I didn't know Him, He knew me. I never left his eyes. He was waiting to rescue me. He was waiting for me to need His rescue.

One day I cried out. I became his, at least in his eyes, that is.

I wanted to be loved by him, but couldn’t resolve the facts. The things I had heard from the villain seemed so true. They matched up with the things that had happened in my life. I couldn’t believe anything else, for the lies had become my truth.

There was so much that was unlovely about me. How could he possibly love me? Maybe if I worked hard enough for him he would notice me and approve.

No matter how much I did it was never enough. I graded myself daily on my behavior. Surely he must see what I see. Surely he finds me lacking. Yet He waited patiently until I was done looking for love, in all the wrong places. He waited for me to see His. Could it possibly be true that I was being pursued for love alone?

He invited me to take a go with Him into the wilderness. He knew it would be arduous and long, but it was the only way to free my heart. The barren lands and empty springs left exposed what I really believed about me and about Him. I began to remember what had happened while in captivity. Though painful to remember I knew it was the only way to be free to be loved. The lies had to be exposed for what they were in order for the truth to take root.

He never left my side. He was my constant companion. With each memory he soothed me with his words of love, while applying salve to the open wounds. He spoke against the lies that I had believed. He began to tell me the truth of who I was to him. Like a tiny rosebud at the onset of Spring, life and love began to burst into my being.

Finally I began to believe. There was someone who saw me. There was someone who loved me. He had that look in his eyes. I captivated him. I never knew I could be loved so fiercely just as I am.

I am loved with an everlasting love. I have always been loved. I will always be loved. Love came down to rescue me. I am His and He is mine.

Happy Valentines’ Day, Jesus. You take my breath away. I love you forever.

Your Jewel

Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. In that day," declares the LORD, "you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master'." Hosea 2:14-16

©copyrighted: 2011, Julie L. Todd

Sinking Into the Armor ©

2011-01-13T16:20:00.011-05:00

The more I am exposed to the unmerited favor of God, the more the epiphanies make their way into my paradigm, renewing my mind afresh. He's taking things that have been tucked away and making sense of them, opening my eyes to see them differently than I have known.

Yokes of performance and striving have filled my life for most of my years. Slowly but surely each one is being exposed for what it is. The wheat is being sifted to blow away the chaff, allowing that which has no value to be removed for good. Scriptures that I have read for my entire life are being seen through different lenses. The more the Spirit of God fine tunes my eyesight the more clearly I see, things are not what I thought they were.

I'd heard the passage preached throughout my life. If you look in my Bible you'll see the notations from things heard that I wanted to put into practice. Each element was described beautifully, revealing it's importance. Exhortations were often strong and commanding. "Put on the full armor of God."

How does one actually put an armor like that on? How do you envision wearing it all day? I feared what would happen if I didn't. I was told I would leave myself open for attack. Was I doing it correctly? If I didn't would I then be exposed to dangerous attempts at my well being? I tried hard to obediently put on each piece daily, doing my best to picture each part in it's place .

That is until the epiphany came.

The armor is not something that I put on. It is something I sink into. It's not a visible set like the knights wore. It is Jesus in Me.

Paul is exhorting me to live in the identity of my new nature where Jesus' completed life interweaves with mine. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live. Christ now lives in me. We are interwoven together as one.

Jesus is the armor that I sink into. Jesus in Me.

I don't put it on, as an act of obedience, I live in it. Paul is inviting me to realize what is already true. I am Jesus in Julie. The resurrected Christ lives in me. He is my armor. Each piece described in the passage points back to the One who conquered sin, death and the grave.

The belt of truth - Jesus is the way, the truth and the life. (John 14:6)

The breastplate of righteousness - Jesus is the Righteous One who makes me righteous. (II Corinthians 5:21)

The shoes of gospel of peace - Jesus is the Prince of Peace. (Isaiah 9:6)

The shield of faith - I live by the faith "of the Son of God" who loved me and gave Himself for me. (Galatians 2:20)

The helmet of salvation - Jesus is the Savior of the world. (Luke 2:11)

The sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God. - In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was with God. (John 1:1)

It's not about my envisioning placing armor on my body, it's about living out what happened the day Jesus walked out of that tomb. I was made righteous once and for all. My old life is gone. I was given a new nature. Christ lives inside me perfecting my imperfections. He is the way to the truth to the life. Even on my worst day I am and will always be the righteousness of Christ.

Once more the chains that once bound me fall away as I realize it all. Jesus invites me to step into His completed life in me. Just the thought of it all astounds me. Christ exchanged His life for mine. He gave me another chance at life. He made me new.

It's not up to my obedient act that gets it right. It's Christ in me that makes me right. Baby step by baby step I'm learning to see this Jesus who lives inside me. As I do I find absolute protection as I realize, Jesus the Prince of Peace, the Righteous One, the Savior of the world has now become my armor. I'm sinking into the full armor of God.

©copyrighted: 2011; Julie L. Todd

When God Came Down©

2010-12-21T13:06:00.005-05:00

I've heard the stories. Flannel graph pictures depicting lives of people born years before were told each week in Sunday school. I've known the story of Jesus for as long as I can remember. He came as a baby born in a manger with a mission. I was told He would die to take my sins away.

The emphasis was salvation from my sins and entrance into heaven. Nobody really talked much about the relationship or the completion. Until recent years I didn’t really understand that it wasn’t my sin He was focused on, it was ME. Sin and shame blocked my heart from receiving. He came to clear the pathway, opening a way for me to get to His love. For God so loved, ME, He gave His only Son to clear away the effects of my sin.

In His unmerited favor I was given, life. Grace opened the door allowing me to receive all that He offers me. It's by His grace that I have been saved, not by anything of myself. As I trust Him with me, my heart has opened to embrace the love that has waited in the wings. As I have seen that my sin isn’t His focus I have been driven to run into His presence. He doesn’t care what I’ve done. He cares about me.

At this time of year the focus is on a baby born in a manger who would take away the sins of the world. But this year more than ever I am seeing the beauty of the story of this One who came to redeem my heart. Jesus came to love the world. Sin and shame were in His way. He had to stand against them once for all with the gift of His life. He’s not focused on the sin. He’s focused on loving those He created to love.

When Jesus stepped out of that grave, he left my sins behind, buried in the grave with death. They no longer keep me from Him. From that moment forward my offenses were covered forever. I no longer have to live in the identity of a woman covered by sin and shame. I was given the gift of a brand new life. I was invited into the embrace of love, perfect, unconditional love.

I am not loved less for what I’ve done. I am loved perfectly. My actions don’t please Him. I do. I do not have to do another thing to be pleasing to Him. The works of the law are fulfilled forever closing the door on performance based acceptance.

Unmerited favor is freely given. I can’t do one thing to deserve it. I can't earn it nor can I attain it. I just get it. It's not based on me and what I do. It's based on the heart of the Giver. I am invited to receive all that He freely gives.

Jesus invites me to live His life out of me. He reminds me when I fall He is there to pick me up, brush me off, wrap His arms around me and love me with truth of who I am. He constantly reminds me that my junk has been redeemed, forever. He desires that I live as He made me to be before sin wracked my mind, soul and body. He tells me often who I am to Him. I do not have to do any rituals to be close to His heart. I am already there. I am now invited to receive my inheritance.

The One who is perfect love came to this earth to redeem me from a life riddled with sin, guilt and shame. He took me off the gerbil wheel of performance. He perfected my imperfections. He gave His life in exchange for mine. My old stony heart was removed and His was transplanted in. When Jesus walked out of that tomb my life began over again.

He has made me holy, righteous, godly once for all. The requirements of the law have been fulfilled for all eternity. The Old Covenant has been replaced with a New Covenant. Love has redeemed me from the law of sin and death.

When God came down life was altered forever. For the first time since the sin of mankind perfect love was put on display for all to see through the life of one who came as a babe and grew to be a man. I rejoice as I consider what this little life meant to me. When God came down in the body of a baby perfect love invaded the world to change my life forever.

©copyrighted: 2010 Julie L. Todd

Seeing Anew ©

2010-12-05T12:55:00.006-05:00

As I sit here contemplating life I am reminded of my son around 4 years of age. I see his little face looking up at me and winking. At first I thought it was adorable. But when it became more prominent I began to wonder if something was wrong. He was taken to a specialist who diagnosed him with a high level of farsightedness. His right eye was turning inward seeking to find it's focus. After several years the treatments stopped yet he continued to wear glasses.

We believed the problem had been absolved but it hadn't. Unbeknownst to us the brain had reverted back to it's previous, familiar focusing techniques. Bifocals were added to his prescription to force the right eye to focus correctly. In the process the doctor believed the mind would be trained with the true programming. He's been in this process now for several years. As time has passed we've seen improvement.

A month ago we went in to pick up a new pair of glasses. As he put them on immediately he struggled to find focus. At first we thought the lab had gotten the prescription wrong but upon further examination the Optician discovered the problem. His old pair of glasses had gotten out of sync. The bifocal line had moved altering his vision once again. The new glasses were correct. The old were not. It would take a little adjusting but in a matter of hours he should be good to go.

Immediately I knew it was a picture for my heart.

Years of living a religious life has left it's effects on my mind. So many "should's", "ought to's" and "musts" have been pounded in. For the better part of life I had been trained to think a certain way. "I need to make who I am better." "I need to strive to be pleasing to God." "If I do enough right things maybe God will be happy with me." "If I study, pray, and read enough maybe it will be enough." It was a life about what I could and would do that would make the difference. It was bondage at it's finest. It caused me to live with a ruler that measured everything and hoped it would measure up.

That is until God added bifocals to my prescription. It was then I first began to see.

At times it feels as if there is a boatload of mismatched thoughts floating around in my brain. Years of knowledge have programmed my thinking. It's easy to revert to the old way of seeing pretty quickly. But as God sifts the wheat from the tares my focus begins to change as my mind is renewed with truth. It's a process I'm certain will go on until I meet Jesus face to face.

I've begun to see things I'd never seen before. I cannot make who I am better. The old me was crucified forever. I was made new. My past and all it's effects have been removed once for all. The sins I have done, the sins that have been done against me are forever absolved. I will never, ever be able to do enough to make God happy with me. For it's not about what I do that makes Him happy, it's about who I am to Him. I don't have to pray or read to find Him, He's inside me all the time. His Spirit has made His home in me.

Everything now becomes an invitation at His initiation. His Spirit indwelling woos me to walk with Him into new places. He allures me to a life that requires nothing of me but to receive all that Christ gave to me when He was crucified, buried and rose to new life. As Jesus was buried so was my past. When He rose anew, I did too.

I'm trying to wrap my mind around it all.

Sometimes these lenses get out of adjustment and my mind wanders back to the old way of seeing. Gently, lovingly He takes my face in His hands to direct my gaze back to where it needs to be. Slowly but surely my mind is being reprogrammed by each new prescription. Moment by moment I am seeing anew.

At times it overwhelms me. At times it feels as if there is too much out of sync in my mind. It's then I remember that God comes for me in the out of sync places to tell me what is true. The gift of His Spirit indwelling will always guide me into to the path of life. I rejoice as I see it is He who connects the dots inside my mind. His Spirit makes the way into understanding. He leads the blind along the unfamiliar paths. I see I am right where I need to be. I am desperately dependent on Him in me.

©copyrighted 2010, Julie L. Todd

A Puzzle in the hands of God©

2010-11-27T20:57:00.004-05:00

I’ve always enjoyed a good puzzle. There’s something about watching the pieces come together to form it’s picture that gives you a sense of accomplishment. It’s rewarding to watch the segments fall into place.

A few years back I bought a 1,000 piece puzzle and brought it home for the children and I to work. As we dumped the pieces onto the table a daunting task lay before us. Could we put it all together? It became a contest to see who could put the most sections together. Mountains, fields of flowers, blue skies and clouds made up the scenery.

At the onset it was easy. We placed the edges together first setting up the exterior frame. Once the frame was in place the difficulty of matching up the rest of the pieces came into play. The greatest challenge was the solid blue sky and the field of flowers. We began to wonder if we would ever find the pieces that would fit. At times we wanted to give up. But there was something about seeing our puzzle’s completion that kept us persevering till the end.

Victory came the day the last piece was entered into the picture. Fields of flowers had been matched, mountain tops displayed, blue skies conquered. Every piece had found it’s place. It felt good, really good.

Life has felt a bit like that lately, since God started awakening my heart to my reality. I am a new creation. The old me has been crucified with Christ.

Sometimes I feel as if I am in between two worlds. Much is being restructured in my life as I walk away from trying to make the old me better. I’m learning to embrace that I am already made new. In these last few years I’ve come to understand that God is crazy about me, just as I am. It’s been quite the paradigm shift from the religious order of things.

Years of discrepancies had been pounded into my head. Old Covenant teachings had been mixed with New Covenant realities. The two don’t mix you know. One was fulfilled by the order of the other. No longer is my walk with God about what I do. It’s now about what has been done for me. No longer do I have to make who I was better. I get to start over and live in what’s already true about me. I am the completed Christ in Julie.

Sometimes the two worlds collide and I find myself wondering which way is the right way? What’s really true about me? I so desperately want to see myself in the new creation that God has made in me. Yet so often the old, programming finds it’s way in making things a bit confusing.

It’s then God reminds me of how perfectly He has cut each of the pieces that make up my life. He tells me that it’s not up to me to figure out what this crucified life looks like. It’s His to open the eyes of my understanding to reveal the truest things about me. He’s got each piece in His hands. His Spirit which dwells inside will make all things known.

I am taking baby steps into my reality. I am learning how to live all over again. For I am new. If it were not so, the Spirit of the living God could not dwell in me. But it is true, therefore He can and does. All that was required of me through the law is fulfilled. I am forever free from the shame that has blanketed my soul.

As far as the east is from the west are my sins and the sins of others removed from my life. No longer does my sin stand between God and me. Jesus now stands beside me with His arm wrapped around my shoulders. We now look at my sin together. He waits to show me a better way. He loves me into what has always been true.

I am being reconstructed, one piece at a time. The best news of all is that I no longer have to figure out where the segments fit. It is the work of His Spirit.

He who formed every piece is placing them one by one right where they belong. In the process He unveils the scenery that makes up my heart. Little by little I am becoming who I was always made to be. I am learning to live anew.

©copyrighted: Julie L. Todd; 2010

The Hidden Places of the Soul ©

2010-10-30T11:27:00.002-04:00

It's been 2 months since I have written a post. I've ached for words to fill my mind and spill out onto the page, yet none have come. I have to admit I've wondered if the season of writing has moved on in my life. Though I don't know why anyone would want to read these musings of my heart, I love putting them down on the page. It's like walking into my garden and seeing a seed come to life.

The absence of words have been a result of this season I am walking in. Endurance has been a frequent visitor here where I dwell. I live in a broken world. Sin broke God's perfect order. I feel it as broken places are being made known.

As I try to put into words what is being experienced in my life I once again remember when my mother, sister and I cleaned out the attic in my grandmother's house. In order to find the treasures that lay hidden inside, the remains had to be sifted through. As we made our way through the layers of artifacts from years of life, there was much to be discarded. There was much that had no value.

So it has been with our little family. God has been shaking all that could be shakened so that only that which is lasting will remain, (Hebrews 12:). I have felt the shaking of the sieve that contains my life. Though I know the hands have been gentle as they have held me, the sifting has at times been vigorous. It's what has been needful to remove the affects sin has left on me and mine. Sins I have done; sins that have been done against me have left their messes. Lies about who I am have lain hidden in the crevices of my mind.

Hiddenness seems to be a safe place to be, yet it's not. For in the concealed places of the mind, the pain is there even though no one really knows. Hidden away hurts are never gone. It's only as I allow the Spirit of God to bring them into light that they can be exposed for what they are. It was made to happen best in the context of relationship.

It's much easier to hide than to let others know what's real inside of me. Shame blankets the mind convincing me that if anyone knew they'd run. It doesn't help that a few people who I've opened up to have appeared to run. It's hard to let people get close enough to see. It feels as if I'm standing out on a street corner naked while others stand there fully clothed gazing at me. What will they do with what I share? Is it safe to tell? When I share my life with someone and they withhold themselves I feel the stark nakedness.

Stepping out into the light, allowing another to know me, exposes the dark things hidden inside that continue to hold me captive. It exposes the voices in my head. It opens the doorway for love to have it's way. It gives another the opportunity to tell me what is real and true.

That is where David and I have been walking these last few months. We are stepping out of our hidden places into the light. We are exposing the dark places of our soul. We are risking, trusting that in the process we will be found. As a result we are finding a touch unlike any other.

Too many years of wearing our masks, trying to be who we thought we were supposed to be has kept us from the freedom to be who we really are. The guilt and shame of sin had told us a story that was far from true. Hidden away underneath all the rubble lies the beautiful identity bestowed on us. Slowly but surely the messes in our lives are being discarded and treasures are being found.

The Rescuer is coming for us, just as the team went for the miners of Chile. He knows we are hidden away and need to come out. So He drills down deep, one layer at a time, to find us. Some days the road feels arduous. Some days we want to give up. Some days we feel that we will never get out of this dark cave.

But just as the darkest hour of night is right before dawn so it is with the pitch black hours of the soul. At just the right moment a shaft in the mine opens, the Rescuer reaches down and brings me out to the brilliant light of a fresh new day. I am found.

What about you. Are you allowing yourself to come out of hiding to be known?

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

The Freedom of a Child©

2010-08-29T14:37:00.003-04:00

My fifth child came out of the womb looking to give affection. There’s just something about touch that is in her dna. Even as a teenager she still likes to come, climb up in my bed after waking, and snuggle. As a younger child, no matter what was going on in her day she was often drawn to where I was. She wanted to be with me.

In the late afternoons I would steal away into my bedroom for a little down time before the arsenic hour of dinner and bedtime hit. It wouldn't take long for my little one to come toddling in looking for me. The ways she came varied depending on what was going on inside her.

Sometimes she would come in wanting to talk to me. Other times she would walk in to see what I was doing, give me a hug, a kiss, then leave. But her favorite times were when she would hear me chatting on the phone with a friend. She would grab up her blanket, toddle into the room to climb up into my lap and rock. Laying her head against my chest she would just sit. There was something about those moments that beckoned her away from her busy activities into my embrace. It was the moment of stillness where she could just be, with Me.

As I chatted away, she snuggled down close, allowing my voice to reverberate in her ears. As my heart strummed it's steady beat, soothing her body, she would often ease into a sweet rest.

I loved how she came. I didn’t keep track of how often she chatted with me, or how frequently she climbed up in my lap. I just loved that she knew her place with me. I loved the ease in which she moved into what her heart stirred her to do. She didn't wonder or question. She lived in the comfortable freedom to be who she was in the moments never wondering if it was acceptable. She came just as she was longing to come.

It has taken me a while to get here but I’m finding my way into the childlike faith that knows the ease of being with One who loves them beyond any fears or expectations that might tell them otherwise. I'm finding that it requires no real discipline to follow the heart. Regimen requires discipline while the Spirit's urgings of the heart evoke following. The longings of the heart well up inside luring you to be where you need to be.

In these beautiful moments I find His invitation is extended wooing me to follow Him inside me.

As I grow into this love that takes my breath away, I’m finding life with God is much simpler than I've known it to be. He invites me to be with Him as my heart beckons me to be, for it is after all where His Spirit dwells.

In simplicity I am finding the beauty of the invitation of His Spirit made known. This beautiful, childlike faith is drawing me into a place much like my daughter has lived with me. Sometimes the Spirit lures me to look to see what He’s doing, give him a hug, a kiss then leave. Other times I come to talk to Him about what’s on my heart. But my favorite times are when I hear His voice and ease up into His lap. The sound of His voice soothes me into a stillness unlike any other.

As I delighted with my daughter's varied responses He delights with me. No records are kept, nor are there any agendas waiting to be fulfilled. He delights in seeing me come as I long to come. It's a stunning transformation. Day by day, moment by moment, I'm learning to live in the comfortable freedom of a child again. It's in that freedom I am learning to be.

©copyrighted: 2010, Julie L. Todd

Update/Courtney & Kevin

2010-08-25T21:50:00.006-04:00

Just a quick note to thank those of you who have visited Courtney & Hannah's blogs. You have blessed them so much! Also, I wanted to tell you of an amazing thing that is happening in town.

Courtney & Kevin, as you know, are in the process of raising support for their 6 months' missions trip to Europe and the 10/40 window. A local restaurant/pub heard of their endeavor and wanted to help raise funds for them. They decided to do a raffle with all proceeds going to Kevin & Courtney. The prize is a week's vacation in a condo at a resort in Cocoa Beach, Florida.

I've attached a copy of the poster/brochure they've posted in their restaurant/pub.

I'm just so blessed to see this local business want to come alongside Kevin & Courtney, it's just amazing!

Thanks again for your love and support. You've blessed us all!

Captured by His grace©

2010-08-14T10:51:00.014-04:00

It happened again this past week. Another one of my babies became an adult. It's a bit more daunting this go around. I must let go, trusting that this man-child whom I love will find his own path. It leaves my heart feeling torn as I rejoice over his time to fly, yet grieve for the life I've known with him, changing in an instant. It's a bitter/sweet moment in the life of a mother.

I came at some things later in life. Now in what feels like the last few moments of influence there is one piece of wisdom that resonates from the depths of my being I yearn for him to know. It is in utter dependence on the One who formed him in my womb that he will find his life.

I've walked the path of the capable, independent life where self-effort leads. I know it's cost all too well. Grace is not realized there. I see those things trying to make their way into my son's life as he tries to stand on his own two feet. As I watch, I yearn for him to know what I didn't know. In need he will find his path.

The emotions welled up inviting the tears to cascade down my cheeks. In a moment it hit some place deep inside me as I realized. These aches I feel for my boy have been God's for me. In patient love He has waited for me to come. I am astounded as I understand more intimately this unconditional love that watches, waits and yearns.

God has yearned for me to need Him for all things, not just the things I could not manage on my own. He never intended that I figure out this life I've been given. He's longed for me to know who I am to Him. He's waited for me to utterly need Him in the depths of my being. For it is need that opens the passageway to receive His beautiful grace.

Self-effort kept me off the path of life. Independence bolted the door. Being a capable woman hindered my rescue.

Need led me to the door of life, humility turned the handle while trust opened my heart to receive. It was then that grace began to be realized in me. Grace is Christ's efforts that fulfilled all things, given in exchange for mine.

Humility is not the absence of pride. It's being desperate enough to receive from God and those He places in my path. Trust is the driving force that allows me to receive Christ's life in it's totality. Without trust I will live between two worlds; the world of trying to do all the right things to please God with my righteous acts of service and the world of grace where the life of Christ is lived from the inside out. They are two very different worlds.

It's one of the most vital things I've seen in my life. My attempts have kept me from the beautiful life of Christ inside me waiting to be lived out.

Christ has done it all. It's over. It really is finished. Every requirement that was placed on mankind has been satisfied. It's not what I do that pleases Him. It's living in who I am. The old covenant is fulfilled, and never to be mixed with the new. Everything started afresh at the resurrection.

The slate was wiped clean, and continues to be each and every moment of each and every day. There are no record of wrongs kept. No longer does shame cover me. I am righteous, holy, godly not because of what I do but because of what He did.

I have encountered Him in my midst. I have found the beauty that lies within weakness and need. It is in that place He comes in all His glory to awaken me to all of Him in me.

He has captured me with His grace. Step by step I am learning to walk, sometimes baby steps, sometimes strides. I have wrestled with God. He has overcome me. Though I may still walk with a limp I will never be the same again. Slowly but surely, I am learning to live from the inside out. As He yearns for me I yearn for my own. May they too will be captured by His beautiful grace.

©copyrighted: 2010, Julie L. Todd

Meet My Daughters:

2010-08-03T22:55:00.007-04:00

Hello my friends, I just wanted to take a minute to introduce you to my two daughters' blogs. Both are on a God journey.

My girl, Hannah is walking a difficult road after her engagement was broken this past May. She is writing the musings of her heart as she seeks to find God in the midst of her brokenness. Her posts are raw and vulnerable as she honestly reveals the battles and questions she faces. If you'd like to visit, her blog is: Walking Into Freedom:

My Hannah:

My girl Courtney and her husband Kevin are following God into a new adventure. This past April, at 12 weeks into their pregnancy, they learned that they had lost their baby. They were told that they would have to wait a year before trying to have another child. They began to seek God's heart on what He would have for this season of their lives. They felt Him leading them to go overseas for a YWAM Discipleship Training School/Outreach. They are currently raising support with plans to leave in early October. They are writing of their journey from marriage to miscarriage to missions. You can visit their blog here: Together In Him:

My Courtney:

My girls have walked some tough roads these last few months. I'd love to have you visit them and share the love that you have so beautifully given to me. If you stop by their blogs, please tell them you are a friend of mine. Thanks, friends for loving on my girls!

The Fabric of My Life

2010-07-25T18:52:00.006-04:00

An adorable little blonde girl sat contentedly on her father's lap eating her doughnut, not a care in the world. As I looked down at her small feet slipped inside her white sandals memories of years gone by flooded into my mind. Wasn't it just yesterday that my own girls wore cute little sandals much like hers?

God's timing is so impeccable at times that it overwhelms me.

I had just been having a conversation with Him about my children and the years that had passed. When my children were the age of that little girl I didn't know much about grace. I wish I had. My life's path as a mother would have taken a much different turn. I would not have been so focused on modifying their behavior. I would have spent my time telling them who God saw them to be and what Christ's death really meant for them. I would tell them that they didn't have to get it all right, because that's what Jesus came to do. I would tell them that their sins will never define them, that God defines them. I would speak of His delight in them, telling them that He would never, ever, ever be ashamed of them for their mistakes. I would invite them to live in their reality, Jesus in them is their life. He wants to live from the inside out in them.

But I came into grace too late for their early years. I couldn't give them what I didn't have. Sometimes it feels like too much water has passed under the bridge.

How does one reconcile the years gone by? What does one do with the tangle of threads they've woven into the life of another, especially when it is their child? How would one untangle such a mess? As I contemplate it all, feeling the overwhelm, I am reminded of when my grandmother taught me how to cross stitch.

She started off showing me how to look at the pattern and count each square, placing the thread right where it needed to go. Once my lessen was finished I was sent home to work on my own. When I returned for my next instruction she turned the fabric over to look at the back. She immediately saw that I had been carrying threads across the fabric instead of taking the time to cut them close. The result was a chaotic mess. Patiently, Grandmother took the tangled threads out and wove them in neatly right where they needed to go. By the end of my first project the back of my tapestry was as neat as the front. Each and every mess had been resolved.

It's what I imagine Papa God does with the threads that I've woven into my life, and the lives of those I love. Somehow, someway He takes those threads and intertwines them into the fabric of each life weaving His story of redemption.

In some unfathomable way there is never too much water under the bridge for any life. God is the God of my yesterdays, my todays and my tomorrows. He weaves His story of restoration in ways my mind cannot comprehend. As He does with me, so He will do with my children. It's that which gives me hope.

Nothing I do will ever fix a thing in my life. I cannot make who I was better. Jesus died so that I might have a fresh, new start each and every day. He fixed everything and now offers to live His perfect life through me. I get to step into what He has done for me. He makes all things new.

One by one He's taking the threads of my life, unraveling them, cutting them close while weaving them into a unique tapestry. It is the story that tells of how He came for one stuck in sin and shame and brought them out. As my children watch they are given a picture for their own lives. He is the God who makes all things good.

I live to tell, for I am His story of redemption.

Confessions of a Child©

2010-07-18T12:29:00.004-04:00

When I read about the disciples I don't feel so abnormal. They walked with Jesus for 3 years in the flesh, yet sometimes they were really clueless. One day they were debating who was the greatest among them. Jesus' response is classic. "Unless you become like a little child you cannot enter into the kingdom of heaven." His words take me back to the early years of my children.

My children wanted protection and guidance. They took my extended hand when it was offered.

They knew they didn't have all the answers. They were inquisitive. They wanted to be taught.

They didn't have their own provision. They came to us to be taken care of.

They didn't try to figure out their lives. They needed guidance to tell them where to go, what to do. They trusted the one who guided them.

When they were in pain, in need, in fear, afraid of the dark, they cried out. They were humble.

They weren't ashamed to come as they were to climb up my lap. They didn't question whether I wanted them near, they just came. They loved to be loved. They loved to love.

They wore no masks. They played no roles, they simply were who they were. They knew their place with me.

They believed. They trusted.

I see it so clearly now that I've lived it so wrongly. It's not just about salvation. It's about my identity. Unless I become like a child, I will never fully enter into the kingdom of Christ which now dwells in me.

At 23, I walked through the door of salvation, with the heart of a child. Immediately I began to live as an adult. I took care of myself. I didn't have a clue how to need. I leaned on my own understanding. The "shoulds" of the law captured my heart and life became about me and what I had to do to be right and pleasing to him. I began to try and sanctify myself by trying to make my "old man" better. I lived from the outside in.

I put on my masks to cover my shame. I played my roles, the ones that gave me some sense of value and fulfilled expectations. I protected myself. I trusted myself. Before I knew it I had forgotten what it looked like to enter in as a child. I quenched the very kingdom of heaven that made it's home in me, yet I didn't have a clue.

At 52 years of age, Jesus is bringing me back around. I am learning how to become a child again.

I continue to come back to this thought. Jesus said He had to leave in order for something better to come. He ascended into heaven. His Holy Spirit descended upon the earth. No longer would I have to experience Him from the outside, He would come to my inside. He would tell me who He knows me to be. He would teach me, counsel me, guide me into truth, leading me through the paths of life. After all He said He leads the blind on the unfamiliar path.

To inherit the kingdom is to live Christ in me. To live Christ in me, warrants the heart of a child that trusts out of a desire to be loved. He beckons me to come out from underneath my masks and be real before Him and others. He invites me to learn how to need again as He waits to take care of me.

Trust is the key that opens that door. Without it I will never believe. Jesus is the way, the truth, the life. He is the way that leads me into the truth that gives me life.

I'm coming back around now to where I once started. I'm learning to trust, really trust. I long to be loved. I long to give love. I have no resources of my own. I need and I need desperately. I have no role to play, no ministry to fulfill. I don't need them anymore. I am learning how to be who I am in the moments of each day with a Spirit who inhabits me.

He has made me new. I am learning what that looks like, living from the inside out with the One who knows the path of life. In this magical place I am rediscovering the kingdom of heaven, Christ in me, is the hope of glory.

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

The Cries of the Heart©

2010-07-02T16:04:00.011-04:00

Before I had children I often heard women speak of the different cries their children had and how they knew what each one meant. I couldn’t fathom how one would know the difference. Then I became a mother and I understood.

There were different cries for different needs. I knew them all. Even when they could not speak a word I knew from the sound of their tears what they were crying out for. Their need warranted my coming for them. I didn’t wait for them to express what was going on correctly. As their cries resounded, immediately I ran to gather them up.

I remember the day like it was yesterday, yet more than 6 years have passed. Times were tough and life was hard. I could feel the effects of the storms we found ourselves in the midst of. On this particular day I had reached the end. I felt the tears waiting just behind my eyes. As bedtime approached I started the water in the tub. I needed a place to escape and let loose. Once I stepped in, the dam of emotions broke loose sending it's rivulets down my cheeks.

It didn't take long for the sobs hidden someplace deep to find their way up and out. As I soaked my body, my soul released the longings of my heart. There were no words to speak. I was void of them. Where was God? I didn't have the energy to pray as I had been taught to do. Truth is I couldn't even breathe the word, "help". Wasn’t I supposed to cry out for help in order for God to come? What would happen to me now? I was about to find out.

I didn't do one thing, I didn’t utter one word, yet Jesus came.

It was the beginning to an end for me. All these years I’d been trying to do and say all the things I was supposed to so that He could show up for me. Yet when I couldn’t do any of them He came in the most beautiful way.

I was totally and completely bereft of words, actions, godly attitudes and choices, yet God came near to me and lifted me up into His arms' embrace. I didn’t do one thing and still He came. It was in that moment I began to see something new and fresh. It's not about what I do that makes the difference, it's about who I am to Him.

I couldn’t get over it. I still can’t.

Tears are the language of the heart. Jesus knows what they mean. He reads them and rides on the heavens to save me. I don’t have to say the right words or have the right posture. I simply need. It is my need that warrants His rescue.

As a mother comforts her child, so He comforts me. His great love stands ready, listening for my deep need to be made known. It's absolutely mind blowing when I think about it, just as I heard the needs of my children in their tears, He hears the cries of my heart.

"There is no one like the God of Jeshurun, who rides on the heavens to help

you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms.” Deut. 33:26-27b

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

The Interwoven Life of Us ©

2010-06-18T14:52:00.009-04:00

I've already raised two teenagers. I am currently raising two with another waiting in the wings to start her journey in about six weeks. Regardless of their gender they've shared a generic phrase during life encounters; "I know".

My teenagers think they know alot more than they really know. That is until life proves otherwise.

It's really not just a commonality with teenagers. It was true for the "learned" in Jesus' day.

It's true for me too.

Knowledge became my goal. I believed that if I learned enough about God I would be loved. At least I would prove my allegiance, hopefully pleasing Him. Had I lived in the days when Jesus walked the earth I think I too would have been a good Pharisee.

Once I came to the end of my quest it was there I found love.

As I considered this paradox the other day Jesus sweetly began to reveal to me what knowledge had done to my life.

"Knowledge puffs up, Jewel." "It's often the hindrance to the encounter." "It's not about trying to understand me to know what I want from you." "It's about being open to receive me as I am in you."

"You've spent most of your life trying to understand me so that you could be like me.... do all the right things, make all the right choices..."

"That's not it, Jewel". "That will take you into a life of knowledge much like the men of my day." "They thought they knew so much about my Abba, yet they didn't have a clue about Me." They didn't see me for who I was." "They were looking for something they had learned." "I was there in their midst, yet they didn't see me." "Their knowledge puffed them up and kept them blind."

"Knowing about Me and living in Me are two very different creatures." "One requires Me, the other requires you." "Seek me to know me in you, not to know about me to imitate me." "You cannot imitate me." "I've lived my life, now you must live yours..." "It's the life of you and I interwoven together as one."

"As the Father was in me, so I am in you." "The Father was reflected in me as I lived our life together." "It's the same for you, Jewel." "Dependence is the key." "Knowledge just puffs up."

"Encounter me in you." "That's the ticket." "The people of my day had me right in the scope of their eyes and they had no clue." "They could have encountered my Abba through me, but they didn't."

"I'm in the scope of your eyes, too Jewel. I'm in you." "Live out of that." "Don't try to figure it all out yourself." "You'll never figure it out." "It is my Spirit which was given to you that reveals all things." "Listen to My Spirit within you." "He will guide you into all truth." "You need Him in order to live this life." "Don't forget that."

Jesus told the disciples that He had to leave in order for something better to come to indwell them. No longer is Jesus on the outside living His life. His Spirit now lives in me. His Spirit waits to reveal what that looks like, allowing me to live from the inside out.

Maybe that's why Jesus told us to become like little children. Little children look to their parents to guide them. They need.

It's in the need that I am finding my release. I can't figure out this life. I have no clue. Honestly I don't want to have a clue anymore. After all, having my own ideas kept me from the beauty of encounters.

The Spirit of the living God resides in me. He was sent to comfort, guide, counsel, teach. I have access to Him every moment of every day. It is He who guides me into all truth. No longer do I have to lean on my own understanding. I don't have to get it right or figure it all out. I am now invited to need Him to live. By His Spirit alone I live and move and have my being.

Life bearing encounters are making their way into my life as I awaken to this beautiful Spirit that chooses to make His home in me. As He engages with me in the moments of life I am finding my way into the stunning discovery of this interwoven life of "us".

"Knowledge puffs up by love builds up."

I Corinthians 8:1

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

Loving the Impromptu©

2010-06-12T12:42:00.008-04:00

I gathered my things together and headed out for my normal Friday Starbucks day. I knew my 1st and 3rd born children would be standing behind the counter, waiting to serve me. I was surprised to see my 2nd born married girl walk through the door. She'd stopped by to sit with me on her lunch break.

What a gift it is to have impromptu times such as these.

We grabbed a table and within minutes my oldest took her 10 minute break and joined us.

The 3 of us sat talking, laughing, enjoying the sheer pleasure of being together. It wasn't what we talked about that brought me joy, it was the gift of comfortable conversation and love shared.

My heart was taking it all in, relishing the gift of this time. I had no record in my mind of how long it had been since we had all been together like that. I didn't really care. The truth is all I care about at those moments is the pleasure of sitting there with my girls.

It's in times like these my heart sees a clearer picture of the One who loves me beyond measure.

So many years of my life I went to sit with God due to a requirement I was encouraged to fulfill.

I was told often that if I loved Him I would spend at least 30 minutes a day in "quiet time", preferably in the morning. So, I did. I wanted to prove my love for Him.

When I missed a day, guilt came after me. If I missed several I often chastised myself. I didn't deserve for Him to talk to me. After all I had neglected Him for days. I had no idea how wrong I was about Him. But now, as I move into this place of intimate relationship He opens my eyes to see things I've not known.

He's not waiting with a record book to see if I will come. There is no data kept that tells Him how frequently I've visited Him. There's no agenda that needs to be discussed, no right words to speak. His heart is the one that beats in me. He loves it when I drop by for a visit. He relishes the impromptu visits led by the heart.

The words spoken in conversation are not even what it's about. The sheer pleasure of having me come to hang out with Him is.

The truth is, He's just plain delighted to see me.

As Hannah's break ended, Courtney's time was up as well. Hugs and kisses goodbye, "I love you's" spoken left my heart full to overflowing. My girls came to hang out with me. There is no greater gift for my mother's heart.

I love the impromptu moments of the heart's leading with my children. What if I required them to come and sit with me? How would it fare? Intimacy would be replaced with expectations. It just wouldn't be the same for my heart, nor theirs.

Days will go by before the next opportunity comes. Impromptu times have no routine for they happen as we live in the moments. It's times like these that fill the soul unlike anything a schedule could ever bring.

"Come as you are, Jewel." "It's what my heart longs for." I hear Him say.

His Spirit indwells us. He said He had to leave in order for something better to come to us. Yet far too often I've not even allowed this Guide inside me to invite me into the moments of the impromptu. I've met requirements for the better part of my life. Intimacy, true deep heart igniting intimacy, has been held back.

It's in the moments that my heart cries out to "be" with Him that I am finding a love that leaves me undone. For in those moments, those beautiful moments I see that all He ever wanted was for me to come as my heart beckoned me. It's in that place I find the sheer pleasure of His delight.

As I relish the impromptu moments of with my children it's then I see, so does He.

I really am the image of God.

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

Do You Want to be Well?©

2010-06-04T14:12:00.015-04:00

I always hated it when my children were sick. It caused me to spring into action, finding whatever resources I had on hand that might lessen their suffering. Immune building medications were given to help fight the culprit that invaded their bodies. Some took the dosages easily, one did not.

Whether not wanting to deal with the taste of the liquid or the swallowing of pills, one of my children often refused that which could help their body recover quickly. Their choices often prolonged their illness. I hated it for that child. I would try to coax them asking, "Do you want to get well?" When it came down to it, they wanted their suffering to end, but on their own terms, terms they were comfortable with.

It's funny how you can read a story several times, yet miss the revelation hidden inside. It happened to me a few days ago while reading John 5: As Jesus pulled the veil back to reveal, I saw something I'd never seen before. Like my child, I unknowingly refused that which would set me free from the ailments of my soul.

The story goes like this. Jesus came upon the pool of Bethesda. A man who had been ill for 38 years lay beside it. When Jesus saw him laying there he said, "Do you wish to be well?"

The man answered, "Sir I have no man to put me in the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming another steps down before me."

Thirty-eight years this man has been sick and yet he knows no one who can help him into the pool? Seriously? How in the world did he get to the pool in the first place?

Did he want to be well? Really?

There written in the spaces of Jesus' question was the confirmation of what I have been discovering. Self effort gets you no where. Living in my old self trying to make her get to where she needs to be doesn't work. It only prohibits my healing.

I didn't understand that. I thought this walk with God was somehow up to me. Wasn't I supposed to work out my salvation with fear and trembling? Wasn't I somehow supposed to get this life right. I wanted to make God happy with me. I wanted Him to be glad that He had allowed me in. I didn't want to be a disappointment. Therefore, I worked hard to make who I was better.

Something was always missing for me in that life. I was crippled with my shame and brokenness. No matter how much I did, I never knew if it was enough. I had no way to measure. Like the man who lay by the pool I kept trying to get myself into the right place to be made whole.

Once that man acknowledged he couldn't get himself into the pool, Jesus said, "get up, take up your pallet and walk." He allowed the One who spoke this world into existence to be the answer. Immediately he was made whole. Afterwards Jesus told him not to go back to his old life, to leave it be. It's not who he was any longer. Life started anew.

"Do you want to be free from those things that cripple you," Jesus has asked me? "Are you willing to stop living by your efforts so that I can be lived out in you?" "Are you willing to let that old self, you've lived in so long, die?" "Will you allow My resurrected life to be lived through you?

That old self mentality with it's lies, hurts and shame will continue to hold me captive. Yet Jesus offers His life to me, which brings my release. "Jewel, cut the ties with your old self, let her go." "Who you were before you entered into a covenant with me was crucified with me." "Everything started afresh." "I gave you my life." "Now it's Me in you joined together as one."

This story paints quite the picture for me. I cannot get myself where I want or need to be. Jesus died to the requirement of having to live by my abilities. He offers me His perfect life resurrected in me, now.

I'm making my way there, sometimes one baby step at a time. The more desperately I need Him, the more I find, I live. In those moments He comes in totality of who He is and releases me to see what He knows. The old is gone, the new has come.

So, how about you. Do you want to be well?

©copyrighted 2010 Julie L. Todd

His hand is extended©

2010-05-18T13:02:00.003-04:00

One of the things I love about God is the pictures He shares with me. It’s amazing to think that before I took my first breath I was made to be a visual person. I see pictures. They speak a message to me. It’s in the day to day living that most often He gives me deeper glimpses of His heart.

As a mother I watch my children walk through the situations of their lives with an ache and longing. I find myself wishing desperately that I could give them that next step that will take them to the truth that will set them free. I see His heart in me there.

All five of my children walked at different times. They had to get to that place on their own. I could always tell when they were getting ready to make that move. They started crawling up to a surface to pull themselves up to stand. I knew they were only days away from stepping out into a new path.

Arms outstretched beckoned them to come to me. At first they were afraid to make that first step. But eventually they would come. Finally they trusted enough to take a chance. It was the beginning of their freedom.

In the beginning it was baby steps, one, two, maybe three before falling down. Soon they discovered that grabbing hold of my outstretched hand allowed them to walk alongside me for an indefinite amount of time. I became the support that stabilized them as they stepped out into their freedom.

So many things I see in this picture of life that I’ve lived five times over. In this moment I find myself there again. I am learning to walk in new territory. I want to live in my reality, Jesus in Julie, but to tell you the truth, so much is still so hazy to me. I’ve lived the life of the “old Julie” for so long that sometimes I can’t see where or how to step.

I was reminded afresh the other day of a phrase that was repetitively brought to my mind in years past. “I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” It made me think about the times that I would hold my children’s hands while they learned to walk. It was then He spoke tenderly to my heart.

“Jewel, “I am your support.” “I will lead you on the unfamiliar path.” “Let my strong hand guide you.” “Walk with Me, Jewel.” “Hold onto me.”

He consistently stands there with arms outstretched beckoning me to come. He knows the ropes. He knows the path, the way to walk.

Just as my children trusted me to run into my awaiting arms, I trust Him. As my children grabbed hold of my hand to stabilize them I grab hold of Him. He will walk me to where my feet need to be planted. He is my strong arm that holds me upright. He knows the path that leads to life. He knows the path that leads to my freedom.

He will make them known to me.

It is His outstretched arm that brought the children of Israel out of Egypt. He parted the waters of the Red Sea and brought them to safety. He fed them, carried them, rescued them from their enemies. He brought them out of the wilderness into the promised land. It is that hand that is extended to me.

As I grab hold it is then I will find my way into my freedom. For in that place I let go of carrying myself to find I desperately need. I will never get there on my own. I’ve tried that, it doesn’t work. He invites me to walk into that resurrected life. It is His life in me. He knows what it looks like. He waits to show me.

He invites me to let go of all that I am able to do for myself and need Him alone to do for me. It’s an invitation to my freedom for He walks on the paths that lead to life.

I see Him there looking deeply into my eyes. His arms are outstretched, His hand is extended.

Do you see Him?

©copyrighted:2010 Julie L. Todd

As A Mother Comforts©

2010-05-09T11:19:00.003-04:00

The years of skinned knees are a distant memory. I wonder how many “boo-boo’s I’ve kissed through my 23 years of parenting. There’s something about the comfort of a mother that makes it all better.

I remember a time in my life many years ago when I had a boo-boo that needed to be kissed by God. It was unlike any other storm I had faced. With tears streaming down my face I pleaded with His mercy to give me something to hold onto. He spoke tenderly to me. “As a mother comforts her child, I will comfort you.”

As the days moved forward He began to show me in tangible ways how present He was. My daughter kept getting hurt. I would sweep her up in my arms, hold her tight, wipe away her tears until she was comforted. He spoke to my heart. “That’s me with you.” “I’m holding you tight, wiping away your tears.”

He knows when we sit down and when we rise up. Our thoughts are ever before Him. He knows the number of hair on our heads. He wove us together in our mother’s wombs. We are intimately and personally known. I get a small taste of it when I think of my own love for my children.

As mothers we kiss boo-boo’s, sometimes staying up into the wee hours of the night to nurse our children. We sweep them up into our arms to comfort them. As we hold them tight, sometimes we sing softly over them or whisper words of love until their pain is soothed.

I can hear my children’s cries above any other. In a crowd full of people my eye is searching to know where they are. I know their voice. They know mine.

I have carried them close to my heart while forming in my womb. They have felt my heartbeat. They are forever woven into the fiber of my being. They have left their mark on me, now part of me is carried in them. They are the apple of my eye, my greatest treasures on earth.

As I consider my heart towards my children, He invites me to see Him. As a mother comforts her child, so He comforts me. He dances over me with singing. He tenderly carries those who have young. I am the apple of His eye. He is woven into my very being and I am woven into Him.

The Mother heart of God tenderly carries me when life beats down. He sings to me His songs of love. He knows my voice. He hears me when I cry out. He runs to grab me up and kiss away my pain. He listens to me when I want to talk.

There’s a place upon His breast where I can nestle in. It’s a place where the storms around me subside. It is there I hear His heartbeat. I settle in close as the rhythm of His heart soothes me. It is then I realize. I am where I belong.

©copyrighted 2010, Julie L. Todd

The Embrace of Grace©

2010-04-30T23:46:00.004-04:00

At the beginning of March, David and I were gifted two nights stay in a beautiful mountain town. The occasion was our 27th anniversary. The timing couldn’t have been better.

God had been calling new things into our lives more intently since the beginning of the year. A deeper excavation of our hearts has been His agenda. Things that have been hidden away are being brought into our eyes’ sight. He’s faithfully exposing those places where we continue to live by our own efforts. It’s a painful process sometimes seeing the flesh up close and personal. But the fruit that comes makes it worth the pruner’s shears.

The more we embrace this unbelievable grace the more the shame we've lived under is being made known. In the process the expectations and requirements we have placed on each other are slowly beginning to fade away. It's a domino effect, after all. When we begin to find what we need in Jesus, we don't put the pressure on another to deliver.

For most of our years together we have not lived that. Paths of destruction have been sown in our lives trickling into our marriage as we have lived under our blankets of shame. There are ruins from the years of trying to cover ourselves to protect our broken places. There is wreckage from the years of trying to be good enough to attain righteousness.

As we headed to our getaway we chose to leave the past and all it’s expectations and requirements behind. There was no agenda. We took our masks off. As we lived in the moments we followed our hearts, giving and receiving love. Something deeper began to happen in that place. We were reminded afresh of the beauty of our lives joined together as one. It happens when the heart leads the way. It happens when we come as we are, leaving our facades behind.

So much of this life parallels between the physical and spiritual that oftentimes I am stunned when the pictures begin to connect in my mind.

I said "I do" to Jesus 30 years ago.

Jesus invited me into a love relationship. I was His bride, He was my groom. I pledged my life to His. But because of my own shame, I put on my masks. I couldn't see what He saw. I tried to make who I was better. Instead of receiving love I began to try and fulfill assumed expectations. I embraced self-effort instead of grace. My felt insecurities became imposed on relationships around me. Things became desperately lost from where they were meant to be; and then He came for me.

Jesus allured me away with Him. He began to invite me to leave the past with all it’s expectations behind. He invited me to come as I am to live in the moments with Him. He told me He would live His life through me, that we would face my broken places together.

He is removing the rags of shame that I have covered myself with. He is wooing me to live as one who is loved. As a result my masks are finding their way into the fire that burns away the chaff. They are no longer needed. I am known, seen, adored just as I am.

The ruins that were created are being rebuilt right before my eyes as I dare to believe what God says is the truest thing about me. I am the righteousness of Christ. There is no need to prove anything ever again. It was proven the day Jesus conquered death. Shame has been removed forever.

He invites me to walk in the moments with Him trusting that He will show me what it looks like to live in this new nature.

This love, this relentless love is allowing me to see that grace covered all the bases so that I would not need to. The beauty of my heart is being released as I embrace myself as He knows me to be. And in that place, that amazing place I am beginning to believe that I am adored by the One who is love.

©copyrighted: 2010 Julie L. Todd

As I was editing this post, this song came on, how appropriate. Enjoy!

Life's Big Eraser ©

2010-04-19T17:03:00.001-04:00

When I was a teenager the rage in school was rubbing our initials into the back of our hands. We took a big eraser and rubbed away the top layer of skin, making our unique designs. Once the outer layer was gone, the inner layer, raw and exposed, revealed what had been rubbed in.

Life is like a big eraser. Things happen throughout the years etching messages into the layers of the mind. I don’t often know they are there until God shows up and touches a place in a way that only He can touch. I’ve come to recognize it as His invitation into my healing.

It was just a simple question David asked one day, yet it hit a place inside me like an arrow piercing straight into a bulls eye. “Have you dealt with the shame you felt when that happened?”

There was something about his question that was unnerving to me. I knew that until I chatted with God, the quivering in my heart would not go away. I began to ask Him what was going on inside me. Why the emotions, what was I feeling or hearing? He began to open my heart to see what had been etched into my mind. Within seconds the emotions flooded my soul as I realized....

I have been ashamed of who I am for as long as I can remember. For the majority of my life I have felt that who I am is peculiarly unfit. I’ve been embarrassed to be me. I have felt like too much and not enough all at the same time.

I have believed that people couldn’t handle the “real me”, weaknesses, strengths and all. Which led me to hide parts of me away while at the same time, trying to be more, make a name for myself, do some significant ministry. Maybe if I could play the part, be the woman, do the good stuff it would get me the acceptance I so desperately wanted.

Shame caused me to create my own self-story to cover the wretched feelings of how I perceived I was seen in the world around me. It led me to try harder, be better, do more. I hoped one day I could be that good girl that everyone would want and love. I put on masks and pretended that everything was okay while layers of shame covered me.

Shame blanketed my soul like grave clothes wrapped around a dead body. I did not feel the freedom to be me. I often felt misunderstood and held captive by the story of my past.

That question, that simple question opened my eyes to see. I had never dealt with the shame I felt about who I saw myself to be through the eyes of others. What I couldn’t understand then, I now get. The world and it’s people around me will never give me an accurate picture of who I am. It is God and God alone who reveals the hidden things in my heart.

Words of love flood into those places in me as He tells me there is nothing to be ashamed of. He has loved all of me since before the foundations of the world. He sees me as I am and loves me in my totality, strengths, weaknesses and all.

I am adored by Jesus, just as I am. Knowing this takes away the need for a significant self-story. It allows me to be in the moments with Him, allowing Him to show me what it looks like for He and I to live as one.

This beautiful dance with Jesus is setting me free. As I’m learning to rest in this amazing embrace something stunning is happening inside my soul. I’m settling in more deeply into my place. I’m finding that place where I’ve longed to be. I am no longer peculiarly unfit. I fit perfectly with Him. No longer do I need a ministry, to make a name for myself, to be famous or seen. I am finding that place of rest that comes from being adored by Him.

Grace has brought me a love that takes my breath away. It’s in this place, this beautiful place, He is removing my shame so that I might see we are woven together as one. Jesus in Julie. The glory of God and I are fused together showing up hand in hand, shoulder to shoulder as one. Who could be ashamed of that?

How about you? How do you see, You? Have you dealt with the shame you have felt?

©copyrighted: 2010 Julie L. Todd

The Ease of His Burden©

2010-04-03T19:18:00.007-04:00

Little by little I’m starting to grasp the reality of what Jesus gave to me in that moment that He walked out of the tomb into new life. His sufficient, finished life now dwells in me. Though my mind has known what is written in the scriptures, realizing it has been a whole other matter.

God often allows the visuals of life around me to paint pictures that bring understanding to the deep things of the heart. It has happened once again for me as I’ve watched my teenage son.

Six weeks ago my son was fooling around and decided to hit the garage door head on with his fist. An emergency room visit confirmed what was suspected, he had broken his hand. A follow-up visit with the orthopedic surgeon brought the full diagnosis. Surgery was required to help adhere the bones back together as they were made to be.

For six weeks his active life would be virtually shut down. He would need to depend on another to carry his load. At first he struggled to let go. He had gotten used to his independence. He liked taking care of himself. But it wasn’t long before he finally succumbed. He realized he couldn't do it on his own.

It’s been an amazing thing to see. As I’ve watched my son, I’ve seen me.

I kinda liked being independent to tell you the truth. It was easy to rely on myself. I knew I could depend on me. On top of that I thought it was what was needful. You know, “work out your salvation with fear and trembling." I took those words as an indicator that I was supposed to work out life.

I prided myself in being able to figure things out. After all I was a gifted planner/administrator. I found myself carrying life's’ burdens with my own intellect, trying to reason it all out in my finite mind. That is until the bills piled up and the income didn’t.

The “what if’s” and “how to’s” began to invade my mind leaving me overwhelmed. Too many places needed too much, much more than I could decipher. My independence couldn't carry all this. With no other place to turn, I found myself needing God to come.

Most of my life I didn’t really get that part of the scripture where Jesus says, “take my yoke upon you and learn from me, my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” But now I'm beginning to get greater glimpses.

The yoke Jesus offered was a yoke of reliance. He invites me to depend on His Abba, just as He did. Though He had no place to lay His head, life did not overwhelm Him. He didn't try to figure it all out. He left that to God. Instead He lived in the moments knowing the cares of His world were under the care of One who created the heavens and the earth.

That same life He offers to me. I haven’t known that for the better part of my life. I’m starting to now.

Jesus’ yoke was easy, His burden light because He didn’t try to make life work. He didn’t allow the “what if’s” or “how to’s” to invade His mind. He trusted. He knew that all would be cared for. He knew God.

It is God who works out my life. Jesus knew that. He invites me to know it to. It's in that place that I will begin to experience the “be still and know Abba” kind of rest. The worries of this world will lose their power. Peace will come to the borders of my heart. For in this place, this remarkable place I find more deeply His life in me.

So where are you? Does your load feel heavy?

©copyrighted: 2010 Julie L. Todd

He Lives in Me!©

2010-04-02T22:53:00.005-04:00

It's Easter, which means once again we remember what happened on the cross that fateful day. For most of my life I was encouraged in church, to get in touch with what happened to Jesus on my behalf. So many times I tried to "feel" the cross and what happened there. I tried to picture Jesus up on it, looking down at me covered in sin, saying, "I forgive you."

I tried to see His love for me through it all, but all I could see was my sin, my shortcomings.

Too many times I'd heard people say if I continued in sin, then Jesus died in vain. After all He died to take away my sins. If I continued to live in them, what then was the point of His death?

I felt horrible that Jesus had to be in that place because of me. I hated that my wicked sin had caused Him to go to the cross. Every Easter it was the same, I was to remember what MY sin cost Jesus. Each time I struggled with the thoughts that if I had never sinned Jesus would not have had to die. I tried to get in touch. I wanted to feel the weight so that it would change me forever.

If I could somehow grasp the greatest sacrifice of all, maybe it would cause me to be better, serve more, be more grateful. Instead it just left me feeling guilty that I couldn't get in touch enough to be all those things.

I had no idea that the cross wasn't really about my sins. That is until grace knocked on the door of my heart. Grace opened a door into a room where love could be realized. New life stood outside waiting. Grace invited me in to see what the cross was really about.

It wasn't for my sin that Jesus went to the cross and died. It was for me. Sin was the ransom that had to be paid to get to me. A fierce love that would do whatever it took to take me back into the embrace of love took Jesus to the cross that fateful day. He wanted to love me. When He looked on me, it wasn't my sin He saw. It was me.

My sins never are and never will be His focus. My heart will be. Sin doesn't change the way He sees me. After all love keeps no record of wrongs. Sin keeps me from living in His embrace. With it comes shame. Shame is a barrier that keeps me from living in who He has made me to be. Jesus came to remove the barrier to bring me back to love. That's what the cross is about.

He came to heal the broken-hearted. He came to set the prisoners free from their captivity; to restore ashes into beauty. He came to give me what I was always meant to know; true love.

The cross was HUGE but without the resurrection it would just be another man who died on a cross. What set Jesus apart from the other men who were executed that day was that He conquered death, hell and the grave. He conquered it all. It was finished once and for all!

I was crucified with Christ. All that was required of me was finished. I don't have to try to be better on my own. I was raised with Him to new life. Christ now lives in me. He will live out of me. I am invited to live by the faith of the Son of God who loves me and gave Himself for me.

The finished life of Christ in me, loving me as I am into who He knows me to be; that's the invitation of Easter. That I can feel. That I can picture. That I can rejoice over.

For by grace I have been saved.

©copyrighted: 2010; Julie L. Todd

A Mosaic in the Making©

2010-03-19T15:50:00.007-04:00

Sometimes I feel so out of sorts. So much of me has been changed that at times it's hard to know what is normal, if there is such a thing.

Ministry that I thought I would be doing, I’m not. In fact those desires that I once held close seem to have disappeared completely. Currently. even the stirring to write feels distant. Words that once awakened me seem to have fallen asleep inside me. With a bit of sadness, I sit wondering if my writing season has come to an end. It's been on my mind lately. For oftentimes in the stillness it's hard to see that anything is moving forward.

Yesterday, Jesus brought back a memory of a time much like I find myself in today. I was sitting on a porch overlooking a pond. I felt what I saw displayed; stagnant and unmoving. I begged God for something that revealed that I was was where I needed to be. It was then He met with me as He drew my eyes to a spot in the pond.

Suddenly the pond was set in motion when something lighted the surface. At that moment, from that one touch, the waters started rippling out. As I watched their path I saw something that was absolutely stunning. The water rippled across the reflection of a brilliant red-leaf tree, creating a beautiful mosaic on the water.

Immediately He spoke to me, reminding me of the beauty of stillness. He told me that Mosaics capture beauty through their broken pieces. For in a Mosaic, pieces must be broken to fit the picture.

Yesterday as the memory faded, He brought fresh words to this current contemplative place. "Jewel, the new wine can't be placed in old wine skins." "The outer is wasting away while the inner is being renewed."

“Old ways, things, and habits must waste away.” “Don’t fret this season.” “Pieces are being broken off as part of the fashioning of your life's Mosaic.” “Some pieces didn’t belong there.”

“It’s time to remove the old wine skins.” “They won’t hold the new wine that ferments inside you.” “This is a time of ceasing of life as you’ve known it.”

It’s an awkward place for me sometimes. So much of my life has been doing that often the being catches me off guard. I feel like I SHOULD be doing something, yet I feel no stirring to do those things I once considered. Am I really supposed to just sit back and wait for something to hit me? It's so foreign to my normal way of thinking.

At that moment He answered my questioning with such simplicity. “Why not, Jewel?” “What if that’s all it is about” “What if you were in tune with my Spirit in you and then waited until the stirring hit you before you moved?” “Would that be horrible? "What if it were left up to me and not up to you?" "Could you trust me to move you when you needed to move?"

A picture flashed into my mind as if He wanted to sear all this into my very being.

I have a salad dressing cruet that I make Italian dressing in. In the middle of the lid is an attached stirrer. Once I have poured in the ingredients, they immediately begin to settle and separate. Therefore, before the dressing can be served it must have a vigorous stirring. Once everything is stirred up, I then pour.

Can it be that simple, Jesus? Can I really wait for your stirring? It almost sounds too good to be true.

“You can’t patch the old on the new, Jewel.” “It may feel as if the outer is wasting away.” “That’s a good thing.” "Your "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" old flesh needed to die." “Take heart, your inner man is being renewed on the outer.”

His words strike a place in my heart that once again bring me to that place of rest. This current place that sometimes feels too still is His appointed place, where beauty is unfolding inside me. The outer garments that I have worn for so long are wasting away, while He renews my inner man. The wine that ferments inside cannot be placed in the old wine skins. Therefore He takes the pieces that fit my life and fashions them to one day display my own Mosaic, Jesus in Julie. It's who I long to be.

©copyrighted: 2010, Julie L. Todd

A Journey of Grace: Rebuilding the Ancient Ruins©

2010-03-05T17:49:00.007-05:00

When Jesus called me out of religious activity, life began anew for me. I began to realize things I’d never known before. When at Calvary Jesus said, “It is finished”, He meant it. When He walked out of the tomb His completed life was made available to me. I could now lay mine down. I’m still learning what that looks like. I guess I’ll be learning until He takes me home.

All the years of trying to be something for God had left me empty. I was ripe and ready to need, though I didn’t have a clue what that looked like. I didn’t know how to be different I just knew I wanted to be. I entered into a road where dependence would be the key that would unlock the doors to my freedom. I would never be able to figure it all out. It would be up to Jesus. I needed and I needed badly.

Everything around me was affected by that one choice, especially my children. For the first time they were given the opportunity to be seen in who they really are, apart from their performance. It’s a domino affect after all. What the parent experiences trickles down to the children. If we don’t live in our true identity, our children won’t be allowed to either. I won't ever be able to give something that I, myself am not experiencing.

One of the hardest parts of it all has been seeing the affects that my captivity cost my children. My performance-driven lifestyle had spoken to them in so many negative ways. I wish it weren’t true, but it is.

When I do not live in the finished work of Christ in me, I will hurt those I love the most. I have passed along messages that were far from the truth. Words and actions really do affect children. I’ve seen it. I know. My love for them is not based on what they do or don’t do, I love them because they are mine. They haven’t seen that. They have a chance to now.

I can often feel the regrets of the years that have gone by. Sometimes it's hard to understand why it took so long for me to get to this place. The damage could have been much less had I gotten this sooner. But even that His grace covers. I was reminded of that this past weekend when my oldest came home with her boyfriend for a visit.

As I shared some of my story with Nathan, I verbalized that I wished things had been different for my children. Immediately my daughter responded, “It’s OK, Mom, things are different now. I see a difference.”

Such tender words remind me that God paints a picture in the midst of the mess that opens eyes of those around us to see, “there’s a difference.” He even uses my blunderings to show His character. The mess of my flesh allowed my girl to see that God really does make a difference.

It’s that mysterious thing that God does with His grace, as He makes all things work together for good. My children see what life lived in one's own strength looks like. It never works, it never will. It puts expectations on people. It hurts.

But best of all they now get to see that God really does make a difference.

I've often contemplated what it was that catapulted me into this newfound change? What was it that finally made things begin to click? It's simple, really. My point of reference changed. Instead of seeing myself in all my broken places I began to ask God what He saw in me. I started learning to love myself the way God loves me. In the process I’ve discovered something. Who He tells me I am is so much better than who I've thought myself to be.

Learning to believe what He said was true has allowed me to learn to trust Him. It has opened me up to be a lover. Now it’s trickling down affecting those I love deeply.

The rebuilding continues as layers of flesh are being exposed and peeled away. He has come for me. He won't stop until I see Him face to face. He has changed my heart. I will never be the same again.

The Restorer is rebuilding the ancient ruins of my life. This time it's built on a firm foundation. He is the builder, not me. My regrets are turned to joy as I see that nothing is wasted in His economy. He really does make all things good. His grace covers everything, even the ruins of my past.

©copyright: 2010, Julie L. Todd

Thank you to all who have taken the time to read my journey into grace. From time to time I've had people ask me questions about things I've shared in my story. I would love to open my blog up for that. If you have a question, or would like to know more about a specific thing I've written about, simply write a response to the post and ask away, or you can email me if you prefer. You can find my email address on my profile page.

To read previous posts, click on the titles below.

A Journey of Grace:

Part One: In The Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost In Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

Part Five: My Deliverer Is Coming:

Part Six: Alone In The Wilderness:

Part Seven: Glimpses Of The Wilderness:

Part Eight: Walking Without Crutches:

Part Nine: Assessing The Damage:

2010-02-19T15:18:00.005-05:00

One of the most brilliant scenes in the Lord of the Rings series is when Theoden is delivered from his captivity. He had been brainwashed by the whisperings of the evil adviser, Wormtongue. Gandolf arrives on the scene and demands the curse of darkness leave. Once Theoden awakens, he is told that he will remember his strength if he grasps his sword. The sword is brought to him, he takes hold and rises up into who he really is, the king of Rohan. He throws Wormtongue out of his domain and begins to assess the damage done while under the influence of evil.

Every time I watch that scene I see my world. The whispers of the enemy disoriented me. I was brainwashed by an evil advisor in hopes that I would be steered away from living in who I am. Once the Deliverer awakened me it was then I was able to see what my captivity had cost those around me.

Fear always leads us to control our world. Control births expectations and expectations sabotage relationships. Expectations are resentments waiting to happen. I’ve had many of them. I have sabotaged relationships, especially with my David.

I will never forget the day that God came to talk to me about him. I remember it now 7 years later as if it were yesterday.

This time God spoke through a vision. As if watching a scene from a movie, an image was immediately uploaded into my mind.

I was on a playground, with my children. Another woman I knew was there with her children too. All of a sudden she began to parent my children right in front of me. She didn’t like what they were doing so she took it upon herself to try move them to do what she wanted. It upset my children. It offended me. As quickly as the vision came, it left. It was then God spoke.

“How would you feel if someone did that?” I answered back, “I wouldn’t like it.” He replied, “Neither do I.” “David is mine, Jewel, he’s my child.” “Can you leave him with me?” “Will you let me parent my child?” I felt His words pierce to a deep place. I knew I had sinned. I had stood in the way of love.

For too many years I pushed, pulled, and guilt motivated, hoping that I could get David moving. I told him what he needed to do and then griped when he didn't do what I wanted. I complained because he wouldn’t lead me. Like most women who aren’t led I didn’t realize the part I played that blocked the path. You can't lead a person who's not easily led.

I was often frustrated with David’s passivity, yet unaware that my demands fed it. It was easier for him to shut down than to try and fail. He could never do enough to meet the unending expectations. The demands I had could never be met. They were birthed out of fear. No matter how hard he might try. He could never satisfy my fears.

I sought to manage the apprehensions that infiltrated my world. I allowed them to grab hold and shake me, causing me to try and shake my husband too. I spent many years trying to move him where I wanted him to be. I sought to control his world, while maintaining mine. It didn’t work, it never will.

In the process I emasculated him with each failed attempt. I spoke many words of death.

Many say control is the curse on the woman because of Eve’s sin. As if that makes it okay. But it’s more than that. Control is giving way to the presence of fear. If I do not trust, I will fear, which will lead to control. I will try to control what I fear.

And so it comes down to trust, yet again. To live in grace, there must be trust, not in a man or his performance, but in my God.

I’ve looked to David in many distorted ways. It’s the most common place a woman goes. I believed he should meet my deepest longings to be loved, wanted, desired. I’ve wanted him to make me feel safe and secure.

It never happened. It never will.

For only God and God alone can fill the deep needs of the soul. I didn't know that for such a long time. I wish I had.

God saw me. He knew. He came.

As His perfect love cast out each fear, the demands are melting away leaving no need for control. In the process, David is being released to be parented by the only One who knows.

Grace has come to this heart, and this home. It has opened the eyes of the blind and is setting the captives free.

Next up: Rebuilding the Ancient Ruins

To read previous posts in this series, click on the link:

Part One: In the Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost In Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

Part Five: My Deliverer is Coming:

Part Six: Alone In The Wilderness:

Part Seven: Glimpses In the Wilderness:

Part Eight: Walking Without Crutches:

2010-02-08T17:29:00.006-05:00

As I stepped into the waters of trust I found myself crying out to be emptied of all the efforts I had used to manage my world. They had become crutches I had relied on to carry me. Though the pruning was painful I knew the old had to be removed in order for the new to be known, seen and lived.

As the pruning progressed I found myself relating to a hedge that sat at the end of our flower bed. David had gotten a little carried away when pruning it for spring. By the time he finished all that remained was the base of the trunk.

I watched it weekly to see if there would be any signs of life. If it could be cut back that far and still live, maybe I would too. If spring came to it, maybe it would come to me too. I waited and watched for new life. So much of my life was being rearranged that I often found myself wondering who I really was.

I knew that in order to find life, the old things had to be left behind, as well as the hurts of my yesterdays. For until the hurts were redefined I would carry them into my today and my tomorrow. They would remain in my memory bank continuing to define my life. The affects of the past had to be removed in order to move on.

I always knew when it was time to have one healed. Jesus would bring up a memory. It was as if He was hand delivering an invitation to my healing.

I had believed many things about myself through events that had taken place through the years. Who I truly was had become lost underneath layers of deception. Jesus came to scrape the lies away, much like a restorer with a piece of furniture. At just the right moment He would apply the varnish remover, pick up the tools, and gently sand away one layer at a time. He was determined to bring the original design out from under the coats of deception that covered me.

On one such day I remembered a deep rejection I had experienced. I knew it was a summons to my healing. I could hear Him asking, “Can we talk about what happened, Jewel?” Hand in hand Jesus and I walked back into the memory.

When I was a 16 years old I thought I had fallen in love. I thought I would love this young man forever. After all he had promised we would marry. Less than a year later he broke up with me, breaking my heart into tiny pieces. I reasoned through the mind of a 17 year old girl. At that point I believed there was something wrong with me. I believed this man had rejected me because of my flaws. I believed I was unwanted, yet again.

As we remembered together I began to tell Jesus how rejected I had felt. I wanted to know where He was when this was going on. I wanted to know what He saw, what really happened. He gently spoke, “Jewel, you weren’t rejected.” “I took him away from you.” “He wasn’t right for you.” “I had to remove him.”

Years of heartache and rejection were healed in an instant. I could see something I had been blind to for years. Until that point my identity had been defined by a moment in time when I believed something that was far from truth.

For years the hurt places caused me to look for things that could bear the weight of who I feared I was. In the process they became the crutches that hindered me from walking in what was really true.

The broken places distort everything much like the carnival mirrors I played with as a child. He came to restore the broken places with His truth. He came to teach me how to see and love me.

Remember the shrub that had been cut back to the trunk? By the end of spring it was filled with new fresh shoots of green life. The pruning had had it’s purpose. So it has been with me.

He knew who I was all along. He invited me to see. In the process the crutches have been removed. I don’t need them any longer. For I now walk with a God who has been loving away my pain. As He has loved me He has taught Me how to love Me. In loving me I have become free to love.

Next Up: Released to the Redeemer:

Part One: In The Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost In Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

Part Five: My Deliverer Is Coming:

Part Six: Alone In The Wilderness:

Part Seven: Glimpses Of The Wilderness:

2010-02-05T14:53:00.004-05:00

In the wilderness the facade is exposed for what it is. All that you have relied on no longer holds any value. Amidst the barrenness the oasis of God meets you and in the process you are changed.

You can ask anyone who knew me, I was not known for being still. It didn’t seem to be in my dna. As a child I couldn’t sit still for the life of me. As an adult stillness was not a place that I volunteered to go. As I entered into the wilderness the call became clear. “Be still and know me as God.” I didn’t have a clue what that meant.

Soon after I heard a woman speak of how she had asked God what He wanted to say to her about a particular subject. She mentioned how she waited and listened until He spoke. Truth is I’d never considered such a thing. Most often the times I spent with God focused on my telling Him what I was thinking or what I wanted or needed from Him.

After 22 years of walking with God I decided to give it a shot.

I so desperately wanted it to work, yet at the same time, I was so accustomed to getting into the mix of things. What if somehow I manipulated His words? It came down to this. Could I trust Him to overcome me?

At 44 years of age, blank notebook in hand, I stepped into uncharted territory. I asked, “Is there anything you would like to say to me?”

What happened next was ‘otherworldly’. God began to speak so fast that I struggled to write it all down. I had never experienced anything like it before. The words He spoke took my breath away. They were so tender, so intimate. I became aware of patient love. It’s the love that does not force, but waits until the recipient is ready to receive.

When I was ready to receive, I discovered He had much to tell me. It all began with receiving and receiving begins with trust. For the truth is, until I trust, I will never receive.

It’s easy to trust God with the big things in life, like keeping the earth rotating, but trusting Him with me was a whole other matter. What if He didn’t show up? What if He let me down? What if I couldn’t make it? There were many seeds of control planted in my life and the root of control is fear.

God began to expose what I feared. With each one He asked “will you trust me with this?” Until I released my grip on my life, His would never be realized.

He spoke to me often about trust. Would I trust Him with my life and the plans He had for me? Would I trust Him with my husband? Would I leave David to Him? And what about my children?

I’d spent many years trusting in myself. He wanted me to trust in who He was. He is unpredictable in what He does, yet consistent in who He is. It was time to learn that. To do so meant to step out in unknown waters, believing He would be there. Would I trust in what I knew about Him verses what I could or could not see Him doing?

As I learned to trust, the doorway of grace opened for me. It was there all along, I just couldn’t find my way in. As I found that perfect love, fear began to dissipate taking with it the need to control, releasing my hands to His.

In the stillness He came to restore His image to me. He began to teach me who He really was. It has changed my world forever.

The desert has been what He promised it would be. He has tenderly spoken words that have freed me to know Him as my One true love. They’ve revealed to me the heart of the One I’m learning to trust.

When I entered the wilderness I didn’t have a clue what it looked like to be still. I do now. In fact I’ve come to love this place called stillness. For it is the place where His voice has been loudest to my soul. It’s the place where He has become my God.

Next up: Part Eight: Walking Without Crutches

To read previous posts, click on link:

Part One: In The Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost In Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

Part Five: My Deliverer Is Coming:

Part Six: Alone In The Wilderness:

2010-01-29T17:54:00.002-05:00

In March 2002 David and I attended one of the last Sacred Romance conferences put on by John Eldredge. When I walked out of that building I knew that I had been awakened in a way I’d never known before. For the first time I could see, God had been loving me for a long, long time. I realized that His pursuit of me had been and would always be, relentless. Little did I know it was the beginning of the end of an era.

At that moment in time I had no idea what God was inviting me into. I had no idea that my life was about to change forever.

Life around me began to be altered. God began to pull me away from the busyness. Friendships either changed or were shut down. All of a sudden I just didn’t have it in me to keep pressing forward. I found myself alone with God, my family and myself. It wasn’t a place that I would have volunteered to go, after all I’m quite the people person. It was by invitation only.

No longer able to strive or perform my way through life opened my eyes to a sad reality. I had become the older brother in the prodigal son story. I’d worked hard to receive the Father’s blessing when all along it had been there waiting for me. I’d been so busy striving “out in the fields” that I had never entered in as one who was loved. I had never lived as a daughter to a Father. I had lived as a slave to a Master.

I had read the passage before, but for the first time I heard the heart of the Father in the words of Hosea 2: 14-16. “Therefore I am going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards and will make the Valley of Achor (suffering) a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the days she came out of Egypt. In that day, declares the Lord, you will call me ‘my husband’; you will no longer call me ‘my master’”.

In an instant I knew. God was calling me to be alone with Him in the wilderness. He had some things He wanted to tell me. He wanted to break the yoke of slavery so that He might reveal to me the intimacy of His love. It was an invitation into my transformation. The wilderness would become my cocoon.

I had spent so many years living in my own abilities and performances that I didn’t have a clue how to live in the finished work of Christ in me. Truth is I didn’t really know the heart of the one I called Father.

Life as I had known had to be shut down. The grave clothes waited to be removed. They held me back in the land of Egypt, captive to their commands. It was imperative that I know who I truly was, so imperative that God was willing to clear my day timer. He wanted me to know who He saw me to be. That had been stolen from me years before. It was time for it to be restored.

I have been there now with Him for seven years. The change that has come is nothing less than miraculous as I have come to realize who I was made to be.

A caterpillar is already a butterfly it just doesn’t know it. Woven into the body of the caterpillar is the dna of a butterfly. It matures into what is already true about it.

Inside of me is the dna of Jesus. I am fused with Him. God does not see where one starts and the other ends. He and I are woven together as one. The thought of it all continues to leave me undone; that He would choose to dwell in me.

The Creator of the Universe waited to love me into my reality. Once I laid down the plowshares of striving and the oxcarts of performance I opened myself up to receive true, genuine love. It is a freely given, unconditional, unearned love. I can’t do one thing to get it. I can’t do one thing to lose it.

When I unlatched the door of my heart to receive, my ordinary, busy world was overcome by an extraordinary God. I have discovered a love that takes my breath away. Alone, in this wilderness, I have found grace.

Next up: Part Seven: Glimpses of the Wilderness

To read the previous parts of my story, click on the link:

Part One: In The Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost in Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

Part Five: My Deliver Is Coming:

2010-01-22T16:08:00.007-05:00

Religion had brought me so many wrong views. I didn’t know a Father God who loved. I knew one who expected. I often felt as if I fell short of fulfilling those expectations becoming a disappointment at best. How do you ever know if you’ve done enough? Instead of finding my fulfillment I was tired and empty.

God continued to peel away the layers of my self-protective coverings. He began to restore His image to me. He began to talk to me about love. He invited me to trust.

Everything comes back to trust. If I could not trust Him, I couldn’t find the truth that would set me free. I found that I trusted God with the big things, like having air to breathe or my heart continuing to beat. But I didn’t trust Him with me. I found it easier to trust myself.

As a result I found myself turning to other things to find fulfillment, the most prominent being my husband. If he showed me love well I would know I was wanted. It was a tall order that would never be fulfilled.

I’ll never forget how Jesus came to rescue me.

I was attending a women’s retreat. It was the last day. We were invited to go to the cross set up in the room and lay down what God had asked us to give up that weekend. I approached the cross knowing it was time. I had to lay down my expectations for David to give me value. As I paused to talk to Jesus the tears began to lightly fall down my cheeks. “Jesus, I release David from having to give me value.” Within seconds I heard His response, “I’ve always wanted you.”

The soft tears became sobs at the realization that Jesus had always wanted me. Why hadn’t I known that? He spoke again. “I gave my life to love you. Is it not enough?”

In that moment I realized I had looked to another lover for value when the One who loved me perfectly waited and watched. My heart ached as I considered how many times I had walked right past Him, allowing my heart to seek it’s value in someone who could never give it. What must I have put on my husband in the process?

My Deliverer came for me that day. I’ve not been the same since. It was the beginning of a romance that had been waiting to happen. Jesus would continue to woo me as a bridegroom pursuing the one He loves. He would not stop until I knew that I was not only loved but wanted.

I love the story of Lazarus’ defining moment. Dead for days in the tomb, the One who came to deliver all mankind appears on the scene. Those around think it’s all over. But not Jesus. He knows that it’s just beginning. He tells those standing around the grave to remove the stone. The family was concerned about the stench of death that would fill the air, but not Jesus. He knew the glory of God had come to set Lazarus free.

With a loud voice Jesus declares “Lazarus come out”. Out walked Lazarus, his hands and feet still bound by strips of linen and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to those standing around, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” Those placed in his path began to remove the cloths that held Lazarus body bound in death.

That moment at that retreat God called me out of the tomb. Finally someone had convinced me that I was wanted. I walked out that day, grave clothes still wrapped around me, yet alive.

In the years that followed Jesus would begin to peel away the cloths of “religious works” that had covered my body bound in death. He would exchange their ashes for beauty. For my deliverer had come to set me free.

Next Up: Part Six: Alone in the Wilderness

Part One: In the Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost In Translation:

Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

2010-01-21T23:33:00.002-05:00

I remember the day back in 1991 when David told me I didn’t respect him. His eyes revealed his pain. I knew he was right. It pained me to admit it, yet I knew I had to in order to move forward. To be honest, I didn’t have a clue what respecting my husband looked like. I had been killing my marriage.

I had been a controlling, woman for so long I didn’t know how to be anything else. Control had become part of my self-protective armor. It’s what you do when you’re afraid, you try to control your world by controlling those around you. Behind the facade of the competent woman was a scared little girl who wondered if she’d ever be enough to be wanted.

I was ready for a change. I was desperate. I couldn’t live like this any longer. So much of how I had lived was wrong. Though it felt overwhelming I later learned that not being able to fix myself was the best place I could be. I couldn’t possibly change this mess I had made.

God brought along an older woman to mentor me. There’s something about having a woman who’s a bit farther down the road involved in your life, especially when your personalities are similar.

I began to learn how to see God from a different view. He invited me to enter a new road, one where I would begin to see things through His eyes. It would take some time to get there. There were many destinations to be visited along the way.

I read a book titled “Hinds Feet on High Places.” I saw myself in the character, Much Afraid. She too wanted to find love. I prayed that God would plant a seed of love inside me to nurture and grow I didn’t realize it was already there.

God began to rescue this damsel in distress, one layer at a time from myself. I can look back now and see how relentlessly He has continued to pursue me. As He began to teach me, my grasp on my tightly controlled life began to loosen. God began to woo my heart to trust.

Learning to trust has been the longest, hardest road I’ve walked. So much of who He was had been distorted to the point that I really didn’t know His heart at all.

Gradually He began to wash away my preconceived ideas. It was slow going at first, much like a patient lover with a woman who had been betrayed. He waited for me to be ready for each and every step of His pursuit and then He came. Like an onion being peeled layer by layer, He has taken me to greater levels of freedom one step at a time.

Special times stand out as mile-markers in my mind. In 1992 I had found a house that I wanted to rent. It was more than we could afford. The owners were discussing whether they could rent it for less. As the clock ticked by I found myself at a pivotal place. Would God love me enough to give me the house? I had always gauged His love based on how He responded to my requests.

The next day at church during communion I sat thanking Jesus for the cross. Out of nowhere words stopped me dead in my tracks. I wasn’t used to hearing His voice so clearly, yet I knew it was Him. “Whether you get the house or not, is not about my loving you.” “The cross proves my love for you.”

It was my first encounter with the deep love behind the crucifixion. It would not be my last.

He continued to speak to me at random times. Each time I would recognize His voice more easily.

One night I was walking towards our bedroom when out of nowhere words interrupted my thoughts. “I loved you first”. A few days later I sat down to look at my Bible study homework. The verse for that week was “We love because He first loved us.”

I knew then and there that He was breaking through my “Cinderella syndrome”. It was one of those defining moments in my life. He was telling me that He loved me before I could ever think of loving Him. I wasn’t the daughter He had to take because I wanted Him. I was the one He loved first. It would be the beginning of the rest of my life.

Next up: Part Five: My Deliverer Is Coming

Part One: In the beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Part Three: Lost in Translation:

2010-01-15T16:11:00.005-05:00

Part Three: Lost in Translation:

I continued to disguise my shame, putting all my efforts into being a hard working woman. As I entered into Christianity I was given a “to do” list pretty quick. Words like “if you love God you’ll spend at least 30 min. a day in quiet time, preferably in the morning” were spoken frequently. I was encouraged to do more, be more, give more. As a woman who found value in striving those words were music to my ears. I was always up for the challenge. I strove to be the best of the best.

I began studying God. Maybe if I did enough Bible studies I would learn enough about Him to find that place in His heart. The desire was good, but twisted in the mix was this need. Maybe if I did enough I could be loved.

I took a break from men. The dating scene had done it’s damage on me. I wanted the next man I gave my heart to to be the one I married. A year and a half later I met my husband. We married 9 months after that first meeting.

I waited for the other shoe to drop. I wondered when he would wake up and realize the mistake he had made. Even though I had been chosen, I couldn’t grasp that he could really want me.

When David got me, he got my brokenness and my striving. Not only was I going to be the best for God I was going to take my husband with me. We’d be spiritual together. I became a dominant, controlling, manipulative, aggressive woman. What I wasn’t receiving from God I began to demand from my husband.

Four years into the marriage we began to have children. I poured most of what I had into them. They were after all ready to love me. In fact they thought I hung the moon. I began to forward the expectations I felt for myself onto them. I wanted to make them the best they can be too. After all, what mother doesn’t want her children to be successful?

My studies of God increased. I believed that the more you knew the more mature you became. Knowledge became my friend. It became another covering. After all, knowledge accompanied by performance and striving looked good on the spiritual resume.

Eight years into our marriage the foundation fell apart. In the process, I was exposed for who I was, an unsubmissive, controlling, woman who didn’t have a clue how to honor or respect. I began to pour my efforts into learning to be a better wife. If I could just be better maybe things would change. Something had to change.

No matter how much I studied, strived, performed, I found myself living Romans 7: “the things I don’t want to do I still do.” “The things I want to do I don’t do.” The more I tried the more it became apparent I would never do enough to free myself.

Performance based acceptance and conditional love were the only things I knew. For you see I had entered into the doorway of salvation by grace, but once in, grace became lost.

Grace is about receiving something you don’t deserve freely. I had lost the ability to receive. LIfe had become more about me giving and doing. Truth is I was more comfortable there. It made me feel better. What I didn't know was that you can't really give until you receive.

This went on for years. No one in the “church” knew how to free me. In fact, the answer was often “do more” which wasn’t an answer for me. I’d tried that.

I had a friend tell me once, “you are dead in Christ.” My answer to her was, “and I’m going to be the best dead in Christ I can be.” I’ll never forget her response, “Julie, there’s something wrong with that.” What? What could be wrong with wanting to be the best dead in Christ? I had no clue.

But God did.

Next up: Part Four: Let Freedom Ring:

Part One: In the Beginning:

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

2010-01-09T16:54:00.012-05:00

Part Two: My Fig Leaves:

Once I entered this world the first people I looked to to give me love were my parents. I didn’t understand how sin had distorted everything. I just wanted to feel good about myself... to know that I was wanted, loved, needed. It was a natural response to the broken world I had entered.

Being a parent myself as I write those words I feel their weight. What a burdensome expectation to put on others. It’s another one of sin’s misrepresentations brought onto this world. No one can give me love. People can only be expressions of love. God is the giver of love. As a child, I didn’t understand that therefore I looked to many different sources to find something that only God could give.

Once we get out in the world around us it’s easy to look at how others respond. It didn’t take long for me to turn to my peers. Moving into my late elementary school years I began a gradual move towards boys. Maybe one of them would find me pretty. Possibly one would like me. Believe it or not I had a steady boyfriend at 10 years old.

For years men became the outlet that I ran to for the love I so desperately longed for. At the core of every woman’s heart is a longing to be desired. I took my desire to men.

With each failed attempt at finding love I believed things about myself, things that were far from truth, yet I had no clue. Messages were woven into the fiber of my being. After all a child can only reason through the mind of a child, interpreting actions and reactions. With each negative reaction of unfulfilled desire I believed it must be me.

You don’t realize the traps that are set in your path you just get caught up in them. Many traps were set along my way. It seemed one thing after another spoke a resounding message. “You’re not what people want.” It became the programming of my mind.

I grew up in the church, praying a prayer in the third grade out of fear that I would end up in hell. I was the queen of Bible drills, memorized scriptures, attended church faithfully. I knew about God, yet I was far from Him. I remember an old pastor of mine saying to me once, “Just let God be God.” I didn’t have a clue what that meant.

One dating relationship after another left me more rejected than the one before. Would anyone in this world ever want me? I couldn’t see how that could ever be. Alone and empty at age 22 I felt as if I had reached the end of life. Desperate to be loved I knew that if I did not find it, I would surely die. I cried out to the One who is love. He came for me.

At that moment He covered my shame. He exchanged my life for Christ's, giving me a new identity, but I was oblivious. I entered into the relationship with Him much like I did everyone else. Surely I was His Cinderella. He had to take me because I wanted Him. Full of shame, feeling like damaged goods, I felt pity for Him that He was stuck with someone like me. Maybe if I did enough, worked hard enough, somehow He would grow to want me. It became the hope I held to.

We all make our coverings in life. Much like Adam & Eve we turn to things to hide our nakedness and shame. I covered my shame with fig leaves of performance and striving. I became a hard worker for the Kingdom of God and I was good at it. I did things well. I did them fast. You could count on me.

Finally I believed I had found my niche. After all everyone wanted a hard working, religious woman. Maybe now God would be pleased with me. Maybe now I would find a place in His heart. Little did I know it would be the beginning of my demise.

To start at the beginning go to : Part One: In The Beginning:

Next up: Part Three: Lost in Translation

2010-01-04T21:55:00.005-05:00

In the beginning:

I was born October 25, 1957 in Tennessee. Before I tell you more of my story I have to go back to the real beginning; you know, before the earth began.

In the beginning; before all time; there was a fellowship of three. Father, Son and Holy Spirit were together in relationship. In the shadow of the Trinity, the earth was formed.

A command was declared and the earth began it’s existence. Dark and void of life, another word was exhaled and the most brilliant light danced across the universe, invading the darkness.

Each day brought a different gift, preparing the stage for the grand finale. At the beginning of the sixth day, the music of heaven swelled as something astounding happened. God set His image onto the earth.

In the midst of a fellowship of love, God breathed the breath of life into Adam. I can see the image so clearly in my head. After all how close does one have to get to breathe into one's nostrils? Could it be that mankind’s first breath started with a kiss? After all God IS love.

God breathed and man became a living being. He saw that it was not good for man to be alone so He created woman. They were placed in the garden He had prepared especially for them. It was filled with everything they would need for life. They walked in perfect communion with God and each other. They were naked and they were known, for there was no shame. It was meant to be that way forever.

But something went terribly wrong. Evil infiltrated the garden. Man and woman turned away from the One who is love. Sin penetrated a perfect world. Life would be altered from that point on for all who would enter the earth.

Man & woman, now covered in shame, covered themselves with fig leaves and hid from God. Surely God is disappointed now.

But God in His love, knowing fully well what they had done, went after them. After all His heart had not changed.

It was love that caused Him to find them in their sin. He asked them what they had done. Blame became the game of earth. Eve blamed the serpent. Adam blamed Eve.

God saw their attempts to cover their shame with fig leaves. Out of love He sacrificed the first animal, covering them with it's skin. It would be a shadow of what was to come. A plan of redemption would be set in motion. One would come, to shed His blood to cover mankind's shame forever.

Once He had covered their nakedness, He knew they had to leave His beautiful garden. For in the center, the tree of Life was planted. If they stayed in the garden and ate of it's fruit, they would live in their state of sin and shame forever. He couldn't bear it. He loved them too much to leave them there, so He sent them out, and closed the garden forever. It wasn't anger that banished Adam & Eve from Eden. It was love.

From this point on they would face the thorns and thistles of life. The moment sin pierced into the world, the heart of God became misrepresented. A level of doubt now filled the earth. Can you really trust the heart of God?

Something has gone desperately wrong. God's original plan was that I would enter into a world where Perfect love was expressed. People living in perfect love would invite me into living as one who is loved. But that didn't happen. Sin had changed the course of God's original design. Sin had changed the course for my life.

This is the story behind the story of my life. On October 25, 1957, I entered a world covered in sin and shame.

Next up: Part Two: My Fig Leaves

*Note: I will be writing my journey of grace in stages. If you want to know when I post you can subscribe to this blog. You will see the subscription link on the side. Once you subscribe you will receive a confirmation email. Reply to the confirmation email and you will be signed up to receive emails when my blog is updated.

I am absolutely complete

2010-01-01T21:14:00.009-05:00

As a year ends it’s common to hear the phrase “out with the old, in with the new.” Even though I know God does not measure time in my life by the turning of a calendar page, it always feels to me as if a new day is dawning.

At the end of each year I reflect by reviewing my journals for the year. I then contemplate the year to come as I hear Him ask me, "What do you want me to do for you this year, Jewel?"

It does my heart good to remember all that God has said and done. This time I felt the tug to do something a little different. I heard the Spirit prompting me to go back to 2004 and read forward. So I did. Those who know me, know that's alot of reading as I am quite the journaler. My family often teases me in regards to my many journals.

By the time I got to the end of 2009 I knew what He was asking of me. I could not hold onto the data that filled the sheets of paper any longer. The words rang out clearly inside my head, "forget the former things, I'm doing something new."

I had journals from as far back as the 1990's full of data. It was time to lay them aside and remove all records of wrongs. God keeps no record of wrongs, He was asking me to let mine go too.

Filtered throughout the pages of each journal were accounts of offenses that had been done by me, and to me. It was time to give myself and those who had offended me a clean slate. I had at some level done that as I had forgiven the injustices long before. But dwelling between the covers of each book were well kept documentations that brought the memories back to life. They would continue to dwell there until they were destroyed. Christ beckoned me to let go.

In the wee hours of the morning of New Year’s Eve I knew it was time. I gathered several up and began the process of turning the sheets of pages into ashes as I began to burn each journal.

As the ashes filled the fireplace I knew it was symbolic of what He had repetitively told me through the pages I had just read. He was turning my ashes into beauty.

As the fire burned I pondered the year to come. I decided to look up the Jewish meaning of the number ten, as numbers carried meaning to the Hebrews. Ten means absolute completion.

Suddenly I could see something I'd missed for years. There planted in John, between two tens was my promise for the new year. “The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy, but I have come that they might have life and have it to the full," (John 10:10). The thief has tried to steal me away from my reality. Jesus has come to dwell inside me to make me absolutely complete. Just like my journals, He has burned my past into ashes. It is no more. His life in me realized will be my completion.

As I watched the pages of my life burn my heart cried out. "Beauty for ashes, dear Jesus." "Take the ashes and turn them into the beauty of your life in me realized completely.

The "it is finished" life of Christ dwells in me richly replacing the ashes of the past. His life is my beauty.

On this new day of this new year, my heart cries out. Oh that I might live my reality. I am absolutely complete.

The Misunderstood God

2009-12-30T00:04:00.006-05:00

I was given the privilege of reviewing the book by Darin Hufford, "The Misunderstood God". To be honest with you I knew by the title that this would be one of those books that I would not only enjoy but find myself agreeing with. It did not disappoint.

He starts out at the beginning of the book describing the God presented to him in church growing up. He says, "The God they told me about was not someone I would want to be friends with."

He then begins to paint a portrait of the God of Love. Each chapter takes a facet of love described in I Corinthians 13 and reveals how it is displayed in the heart of the One who is Love.. Darin exposes how the heart of God has been not only misinterpreted but misunderstood. The God many of us have known is not the God of I Corinthians 13:

Darin brings home the revelation of the effects of love. He says, "We spend more time trying to perform the effects of love than we do loving."

Many of us have been confused by God's true nature. Darin has taken the mess that religion has made and exposed a clear, beautiful revelation that God is love itself.

I loved reading this book and highly recommend it. If you desire a greater revelation into knowing what true love looks like, pick up Darin's book. You won't be disappointed.

You can find it here: The Misunderstood God

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What's Love Got to Do With It? ©

On the Mat Again©

The Lessons of a Tricycle©

Living in the Unseen©

Another One Bites The Dust ©

Fanning The Flames Anew ©

How He Loves Revisited ©

Sinking Into the Armor ©

When God Came Down©

Seeing Anew ©

A Puzzle in the hands of God©

The Hidden Places of the Soul ©

The Freedom of a Child©

Update/Courtney & Kevin

Captured by His grace©

Meet My Daughters:

The Fabric of My Life

Confessions of a Child©

The Cries of the Heart©

The Interwoven Life of Us ©

Loving the Impromptu©

Do You Want to be Well?©

His hand is extended©

As A Mother Comforts©

The years of skinned knees are a distant memory. I wonder how many “boo-boo’s I’ve kissed through my 23 years of parenting. There’s something about the comfort of a mother that makes it all better.

The Embrace of Grace©

Life's Big Eraser ©

The Ease of His Burden©

He Lives in Me!©

A Mosaic in the Making©

A Journey of Grace: Rebuilding the Ancient Ruins©

A Journey of Grace: Assessing The Damage:©

A Journey of Grace: Walking Without Crutches ©

A Journey of Grace: Glimpses Of The Wilderness©

A Journey of Grace: Alone in the Wilderness©

A Journey of Grace: My Deliverer Is Coming©

A Journey of Grace: Let Freedom Ring©

A Journey of Grace: Lost in Translation©

A Journey of Grace: My Fig Leaves©

A Journey of Grace: In the beginning ©

I am absolutely complete

The Misunderstood God