How do I adequately share the feelings towards my children as I watch them step into a calling? There are really no adequate words to explain the emotions. There’s this place in my heart of sheer delight as I watch them rise up into who they are. It all started several years ago when my firstborn did her first worship dance. I couldn't hold back the tears as I watched her step onto that stage.
It's happened with each child. Whether stepping into a role in a play, raising their hands in worship, boarding an airplane to go on overseas missions trips, or watching them play in the youth worship band, I delight in watching my children be who they are. I take great pleasure in seeing them bask in the giftings of God on their lives.
I don’t want to miss one event. I don’t want to miss one moment watching them step into who they are. My eye is always on them. In fact I can’t take my eyes off of them.
I've come to understand something I've never known before. As I step into the desires of my heart, living out the gifts inside me, my Papa God can't take His eyes off of me. He stands up, applauding me, cheering me on. I can hear Him say, "that's my girl". Why has it taken me so long to see that?
Why have I looked to others for approval or disapproval so easily? He’s the proud Papa who is watching me at all times. His eyes are captivated with what I am doing, yet I haven't seen Him there watching, nodding, cheering, affirming.
I have spent too many years looking for the acknowledgment of man. I wanted to be known by what I could do. It was easy for me to talk of the Bible studies I had led or taught. It gave me some type of value when people noticed my abilities. I looked for affirmation from man because I could not see the applause of God.
What must it do to His heart to watch me struggle to embrace who He made me to be? Why is it that when I desire something and He gives it to me, I back away from it, thinking it couldn’t possibly be true? For example, I struggle to call myself a writer. There’s something about the title that throws me. Why haven’t I seen that it was He who placed those desires within me. I love writing because He put that love in me.
His invitation into the desert has opened up so many areas that have been distorted to me. I can now see more clearly what is really true. He delights in me. In the intimacy of the desert experience, He has uncovered misconceptions about me that I have carried for so long. His truth breathes life into those places. Man’s approval and affirmations, though nice, will never fill me up. Neither should man’s disapproval take from me. I was made with a cavern in my soul that was made by Him, for Him. He is the depths that reaches into my depths. HE is my affirmation.
As I step up to offer what's inside me I acknowledge the breath of God flowing through me. I am a writer who writes because He breathes the words into me. It's not about me. It's about Him in me. My Papa God, with eyes glued to me, stands up to applaud as I step into who He made me to be. I have captivated His heart. I can be me. I have the approval of the one who matters. I am His daughter, the one He made for Himself. He has poured His heart into me, for I am loved.
What about you? Do you see Him applauding YOU?
Fifty one years ago today my first breath of life was breathed into me. Today I celebrate my birth. For the first time in my life I feel free to celebrate who I am. I love who He has made me to be. Thank you Papa God for the revealing your heart towards me. Thank you for breathing the breath of life in me. Thank you for delighting in me. You are my life.
©copyright: 2008 Julie L. Todd